What do men really want from a woman in bed?
“He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects the deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer—because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of achievement.” ~ Ayn Rand
A man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions.
I have always thought of men as mysterious creatures. A bit animalistic. I thought for sure that most men I spoke with would tell me they look for a woman who can perform Cirque du Soleil acts in the bedroom all while wearing some vampy, barely-there lingerie along with six inch stiletto heels.
I was pleasantly surprised to find that this was not the case.
My intention in exploring this topic was not to dis-empower women or make them feel that they are somehow not enough if they aren’t doing the things the men I spoke with talk about here. My intention was truly one of curiosity—but more importantly, to show that what men want is very similar to what women say we want as well.
As much as we may think that we are such different creatures, especially in our sexual wants and desires, what I found through talking to these men is that we really aren’t that different after all. At the end of the day openness, honest communication and being fully yourself while making love is what makes a really great sexual encounter.
So here’s to all the men (aged 25 – 58) who made me laugh, blush and roll my eyes with their openness, honesty and candidness. (Names have been changed to protect their privacy):
Justin: “I think men want pretty much the same thing as women in many ways…fantasy, play, respect and boundaries. Where we may differ: It’s a little harder for us to cuddle and be vulnerable in the same way. Women are usually more focused on behavior cues and men focus more on the physical/visual cues.”
Craig: “I love a woman who knows what she wants and takes control. It’s a turn on if she’s a little aggressive and open to role playing.”
Cam: “For me, a great lover is someone who is passionate and confident. A woman who is comfortable expressing herself in bed and communicating what she wants from me. I never want to have to guess. I prefer she be vocal about her needs and desires so that I can fulfill them for her.”
Jeff: “I want someone who can just relax and have fun, rock my world and make me not know where I am or at least not care. Whether it’s a quickie or an all night session, I want to lay there afterwards with her and smile.”
Tom: “I want to be with a woman who enjoys intimacy and sex as much as I do, but is completely grounded, attentive and focused. Definitely someone who isn’t hesitant to tell me what she likes, especially in the moment.”
Joe: “Tell me, teach me, show me things that make me want you. I think of it as an investment in her. Show me the body parts you love. Show how they feel against me. Show me how you want me to touch you and turn you on…like you feel I’m the only man for you.”
Sam: “I think men want to feel connected, felt and in complete balance with the give and take just as women do. To not have awkwardness, but to have a solid nurturing and uplifting experience that brings each other closer. To feel safe to explore each others’ vulnerable sides and to reach new levels of joy and bliss together.”
Peter: “Vulnerability. Playfulness. Honesty and enthusiasm. There is nothing sexier than an enthusiastic lover. I never want to feel that a woman is doing me a favor by sleeping with me. “
Chris: “I like when a woman compliments me, tells me she thinks I’m sexy…We get insecure about our appearance and performance too. So hearing her say that there is something about me that turns her on goes a long way with me in the bedroom.”
Todd: “Men are super visual and we want to see everything. Women get very hung up on their insecurities with their body. We don’t see what you see. We think you’re beautiful and want to appreciate every part of you. For me, leaving a little light on is essential so I can appreciate every part of her and what she’s doing.”
Kevin: “Taking the initiative and being a little bossy. As men, we always feel we have to be in charge or in control. I appreciate when a woman makes the first move and orders me around a bit. It’s very sexy.”
James: “I like a mix of romance and dirty talk. A combination of safe connection, appreciation of each other and the playfulness of telling me what you want to do to me or what you want me to do to you. A woman confident enough to do that is one I feel the deepest connection to.”
Mike: “Expressiveness! Don’t fake it but if I’m making you feel good let me know. There is nothing sexier than a woman who expresses her pleasure. Nothing turns us on more—nothing—than knowing that we are pleasing you.”
Anthony: “For me it’s all about the connection. I want to be seduced by the combo of our connection, her personality, looks and love for herself. The kiss is probably the big tell of how intimacy will be. I love it when a woman finds kissing just as intimate as sex.
Nathan: “It’s highly personalized what a guy wants in bed. There is no ideal version. Here’s what guys want in bed… be yourself. In full expression, whatever that is. There is no right or wrong.”
The responses I received on this article made me realize that men are as vulnerable and in need of validation, passion and connection as women are. They may not always express it, but when you ask them to get real, they are the first to admit that sex isn’t just about sex or getting off for them. It’s about feeling an emotional connection to us that brings us closer.
At the end of the day, I was reminded of all those little things that men value and appreciate about us which make us sexy, beautiful and insanely desirable. And I’m honored that all of them were willing to share themselves with me.
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Author: Dina Strada
Apprentice Editor: Carlene Kurdziel / Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: Flickr/Gabriel S. Delgado