December 12, 2015

5 Fears that Keep Us with the Wrong People (& How to Overcome Them).

scared, girl, fear, sad

Fear is the main reason we stay stuck in unfathomable situations during our lifetime.

Sometimes we are aware of the fear but we are unwillingly controlled by it.

In other cases, we likely deny or ignore its sheer presence in our mind.

I was someone who was thoroughly controlled by fear. Change consistently seemed to be a danger zone for me.

Looking back at my own past, I can easily spot behaviors of mine that demonstrated a fearful pattern, particularly in romantic relationships.

Unfortunately, people don’t come with signs that read “right” or “wrong.” If they did we would’ve saved ourselves plenty of suffering and agony.

Speaking of which, the “wrong” person isn’t only tied to romance or relationships. Sometimes, we are stuck in a friendship with a toxic person and we are too scared to “unstick” ourselves.

We might ask ourselves, “but what am I scared of?” We put up excuses like “it’s not the right time” or “I’m not ready yet,” but the truth is, we are being pulled back by an unconscious, terrible fear.

What are the most common fears that hold us back and how can we overcome them?

1. Fear of the unknown.

The unknown is a place that represents danger.

We feel an unexplainable aversion towards it as we don’t know what it holds. Our species loathes situations that are arbitrary. Hence, getting unstuck from a friendship or a relationship means stepping out into a new field of potential scenarios we know nothing of.

The only way to overcome the fear of uncertainty is to take the role of an adventurous being that is ready to go on a journey blindfolded. Fear of the unknown is an illusion that we hold in our minds because we can’t see what is yet to come.

I am sure that if we retrace our past, we can spot the times we had a completely different expectation of what is really taking place in our life right now versus what we feared would happen.

We should realize that the unknown is not real—it is only a fear which our ego painted because it looks unfamiliar.

We ought to trust the universe that it has in store for us only what is for our betterment.

2. Fear of starting again from zero.

This category of fear reminds me of my old self. I had one particular relationship when I was very young that kept me stuck for almost six years. Whenever I was on the verge of breaking up, I would imagine myself starting again from zero with someone else. I would instantly panic and mentally stay stuck.

I was ready to keep walking down an unpleasant road that was already finished, rather than starting a beautiful one from scratch.

I overcame this fear by realizing that good things require a good amount of time and effort. However, rather than fearing the time we will spend rebuilding relationships, we should take a look at the growth that will stem from this process.

With time, I learnt that with whatever I am building, I should keep my expectations low. Life is unpredictable. There is a high probability that we will have to rebuild and destroy relationships many times before we can sail on calm waters.

3. Fear of not finding the same person.

Regardless of the abundant unsuitable behaviors the wrong persons show us, on the other side stand pleasant traits that keep us hooked and mesmerized.

We often fear not finding a similar friend or partner that will share with us what this certain person did.

This fear takes over our minds to the extent of urging us to refrain from building new relationships, even if things did end. We keep telling ourselves, “I will not find someone like him/her.”

Well, yes, we will not find the same person. Actually we will find better. Personally, I overcame this fear by believing that with the partner or friend I am losing today, there is someone else standing right behind the door. This is how the universe operates. You are actually winning when you think you are losing.

We might not find the same attributes, but we will find traits that will suit our life and our well-being better even though we don’t realize this at the beginning. We always tend to get attached to people and situations, but we don’t really know what is good and bad for us.

The universe will allow the best to happen, and we should allow it to take place.

4. Fear of regret.

We usually fear regretting any action we take in the present moment. Additionally, we fear losing the person and realizing later that we want him/her back in our lives when it might be just too late. Those are typical scenarios of what the mind draws in when we are about to end any relationship. We secure the future by staying stuck in an unfathomable present.

Regret is nothing more than missing what we were once attached to. It represents thoroughly demolishing the ordeals we have been through and only keeping the good memories. This, in return, will give birth to regret leaving us in a state of confusion and loss.

Overcoming this fear requires a good deal of faith that we will not get anything in the physical realm if it is not meant to be ours. Call me crazy, but I do believe in destiny. My experiences have shown that no matter how much we struggle to get something, we will never take it if it’s not ours.

5. Fear of misidentifying with pain.

The ego uses our emotions and feelings to define who we are. Thus, when we are in pain, our ego takes it as a chance to give us a victimized identity. This might seem insane to hear, but deep inside we have an expansive fear of cutting the chains with our fellow pain. I have been through this many times and I realize how tricky the ego can be. I decided to stick to it even when I realized that it was totally unnecessary.

We usually don’t overcome this fear because we indirectly believe that it gives us a reason to live for. It hinders our path to happiness and lets us believe that without it we are naught. In fact, we are naught with its presence.

We should consistently stay aware whenever we see patterns of suffering emerging in our being. We should let them be and watch them as they leave our system.

To overcome this fear, I think we should realize that pain can never give us our correct identity. The ego is only good at playing games, tricking us into believing that he is in control. But, he is not; we are. At any time, we can turn the tables and become in control whenever we are ready.

We are blessed with strength and intelligence. The moment we decide to use them, we will have the power to change any situation in our life.

Fear is not a blessing, it is not a trait warranted by the universe. Fear is self-created. Its only purpose is to keep us where we are now. Let’s think to ourselves, would we want an illusionary feeling to control our life and mind?

Words are easier than actions. But I believe we aren’t losing anything if we give the action a shot.



Are You in a Conscious or Unconscious Relationship?


Author: Elyane Youssef

Editor: Caitlin Oriel

Image: Charles Harry Mackenzie/Flickr & Derrick Tyson/Flickr

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