Ecstatic Sex: 5 Ways to Reclaim our Pleasure at Any Age. {Adult}

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I am of the age where people say I should be on my way to drying up—over the hill.

I should be finished with all that.

Au contraire.

I am a woman well into my 60s and I can tell you that my libido and sex life have never been better.

Of course, a big part of it is that I teach sacred sexuality so I am always thinking about people and sex, but another is that I feel better than ever.

I have so much wisdom about my own body and about other’s bodies that I could never think for one second that I would want to quit on having sex.

I wasn’t always this way.

Yes, I was interested and intrigued by sex. I was also precocious in exploration, but at the same time, I was also afraid of public opinion and of the consequences of sex gone wrong (like pregnancy). So, I acted more prudish than I really was in secret.

What got in the way of my sexual expressions (and yours)?

Fear.

Sex is like a roller coaster ride. It’s scary because it involves getting naked and being open and vulnerable with ourselves and or another person. And it’s really exciting too, both because of arousal and having to overcome that fear. So, it’s like a ride that makes you want to scream and laugh and cry at the same time.

Shame.

Showing our body parts to another or even to ourselves evokes tremendous feelings of shame for a variety of reasons. One is that we have been raised to believe that these parts are somehow dirty. Another is that we have judged these parts as not perfect enough.

To complicate things further, many people learn about themselves through watching pornography in which, the people’s body parts are often humongous and exaggerated and the sex acts they are involved in are no reflection of real life sex. They are acting in five minute segments to perform the pornography script.

We should not be judging ourselves by these standards. Everyone’s body parts are different and all are beautiful.

Public Opinion.

We fear what others think of us. We don’t want to be called cheap or slutty or predatorial by our parents or friends. And even when we are not being judged by others, we have so internalized our fears about it, that we judge ourselves as those things we fear.

Of course, it’s not true, we are brilliant radiant beings, but when are held back from having ecstatic sex, it’s usually based on this particular passion-killer.

So, how do we (re)take pleasure in our bodies?

First of all, it’s necessary to outline that there are four types of sex:

Procreation is sex to have offspring, make babies, propagate the species. Any animal can do it and they do. Many of us only know of this type of sex or have religious beliefs holding us to this type of sex only. Sad but true.

Recreation is sex for sport. It’s the type of sex that often takes place when we have had too much alcohol upon first meeting. Chemicals start flowing and we take each other to bed just for the experience and to fulfill our lust.

Restoration is sex that feels so good, it fills us up from head to toe and the feeling restores youth and energy to the body. It’s been known to feel better than a deep sleep or vacation.

Transformation is sex that takes us into other realms—out into space, walking in the cosmos. It’s a kind of sexual healing that restores our dignity and makes us feel like we are living in a new paradigm of unlimited possibility.

It’s the two latter forms of sex that ultimately lead to ecstasy.

What we need to do is keep ourselves juicy and healthy by keeping the happy, sexy chemicals flowing to our brains. These are oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine.

We do this by borrowing from the ancients for starters. We take some practices from traditions that have been around for centuries like Tantra and Taoism and even practices from ancient Egypt. Then, we add practices from modern psychology and transformational workshops.

It comes down to five broad practices.

1. Practice Emotional Clearing.

There are many forms of this practice to choose from. In general, move your body to get things warmed up. Then, make sound. Then be still in silence. Each of these can be done for several minutes at, say, 10 minute intervals.

2. Practice Pleasure.

Find out what pleases you and then do it. Get somebody else to do it to or with you too. Self exploration practices for discovering what you like are optimal. This includes loving self-touch and masturbation. There are a variety of tools to use as well including vaginal weight lifting eggs and Lucite or glass G-spot wands.

3. Practice Sexual Communication.

Tell your partner exactly what you like, how you like to be touched in detail including light or soft pressure, fast or slow speed, circles or not circles. Include being present—paying attention and being honest. Also tell them when something changes—you wanted soft and now you want hard, for example. It’s best to practice this communication when you are not trying to have an orgasm. It’s better to have these conversations outside the bedroom.

4. Practice Latihan (moving in the unknown).

This practice cultivates the ability to follow your inner guidance. Put on some ethereal or relaxing music and stand silently—-open to existence. Allow whatever energy that comes to flow through you, taking any form—laughing, dancing, singing, crying. Anything can happen. This exercise is often referred to as authentic movement. The idea behind it is to throw away preconceived notions of sex and love-making. Just hang around in the unknown to see what wants to happen authentically in your body.

5. Practice Sex and Keep Practicing.

Experts say that having frequent loving and positive sexual encounters is possibly one of the most important pieces of any anti-aging regimen. The chemicals released to the brain and throughout the entire body during a sexual encounter of this sort are invaluable for restoration and transformation. The operative words here are positive and loving sex.

By following these steps, we should find ourselves able to generate higher and higher levels of ecstasy within, regardless of our age and despite our fears.

From my experience, we can change our body, mind and spirit beyond belief.

The best part? Once we actually do it, it’s simpler than we (over)think. And for the most part, it’s also free.

~

Relephant read:

The Tale of the Broken Vibrator & the Happy Ending. {Adult—Funny}

~

Author: Laurie Handlers

Editor: Khara-Jade Warren

Image: simpleinsomnia/ Flickr

~

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anonymous Feb 15, 2016 10:09pm

Great article! So true!

anonymous Feb 13, 2016 2:43pm

Wonderful insight and advice Laurie! Keep up the great work.

anonymous Jan 29, 2016 12:56pm

Thanks for sharing your views and experience that sexy is not limited to the youth but that it actually keeps us young and radiant… you are a walking testament of this truth!

anonymous Jan 28, 2016 11:30pm

Bravo Laurie, for reminding women that they get more delicious with age. Like you, I am more fit, have more energy and my sexuality is off the charts. Thanks for your insight !

anonymous Jan 28, 2016 4:33pm

Thank you Laurie for This great insight. You have a way to teach valuable and sometimes delicate subjects in easy language. Keep it up !

Bob

anonymous Jan 28, 2016 4:32pm

You made such a difference in my life, Laurie, and this article is a perfect example of how! You are a wonderful, exciting model for me, of how to feel even more alive! You are a gift to the world!

anonymous Jan 28, 2016 11:22am

Wise and wonderful as always. Thank you Laurie for sharing your journey!

anonymous Jan 28, 2016 4:36am

Wonderfully written~ Great primer to clarify what has bewildered people for eons. I prefer restorative and transcendent sex myself with a partner with whom there is a heart connection. This subject is part of my growing edge these days. Thank you for being one of my sexual inspiristas! Hugs, Edie <3

anonymous Jan 28, 2016 3:28am

Laurie knows how to keep life exciting.

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 11:50pm

Amazing, Laurie. You have the uncanny knack of summing up your whole self in whatever form or direction you are currently teaching! Beyond that, you're simply the most effective facilitator of Shift I have ever had the pleasure to work with, and I would never have moved to this crazy city were it not for you. Of course, you already know this. Forever endeavor…

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 11:04pm

Great inspiring article Laurie, and you are an inspiration to me also. Wonderful to know that everyone, regardless of how many years they have been alive, can have positive and loving sex.

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 6:59pm

Wonderful article Laurie!! Your teachings are amazing, and you are truly an inspiration to all!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 6:19pm

Fantastic read!

Love your work Laurie!!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 5:59pm

Great introduction to a topic so relevant to us all. Thanks for sharing some pearls of wisdom. Much appreciated

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 5:46pm

Loved this article Laurie, well done. Looking forward to our first Tantric day on Sunday!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 5:27pm

love your article !!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:59pm

Thank you, Prahas!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:39pm

I love this article!! Laurie, you are an inspiration! You're doing important work for people, men and women.

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:30pm

Laurie is the poster child for the new American ideal woman. We should never have to give up sex, passion or living life to its fullest because society tries to tell us we are "too old".

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:16pm

Well said, Laurie! Enjoy and have fun!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:07pm

Thanks for sharing. Love your article and look forward to more! –Amy

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 3:03pm

Great article Laurie ! Everyone needs to read this!

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:58pm

    Thanks, Bunny! Please share to everyone you know!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 2:58pm

I have taken classes with Laurie in Phoenix, AZ. She is my inspiration and has helped me to discover sexual self. I am 57 years old. Great article.

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:57pm

    Thank you, Carrie! Love that I inspire you! Love to see you i class again!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 2:35pm

Great to see you writing here, Laurie. It’s been far too long since we’ve been around one another. I’m looking forward to seeing more here soon! 🙂

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:55pm

    Mark, yes miss you too! More articles to come!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 12:37pm

Laurie, great article! Lets people know that there’s no end to sex based on age.

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:54pm

    Scott, thank you so much for this comment. So, true, nothing to fear as people age. Just do it! Find a way!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 12:29pm

Awesome article by an awesome teacher. So inspiring and full of life!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 11:29am

Laurie, you are genuinely badass gorgeous woman! I always love to read and listen to what pearls of wisdom you come up with. Your wisdom helps me appreciate my 40s much deeper and looking very much forward to the 50s and 150s, as a woman.

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:49pm

    Thank you so much, Denisa! Yes, I am badass! Smiling! Only more to look forward to indefinitely!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 10:31am

Laurie Fabulous article, thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom Elaine

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 10:22am

Lovely as an older man to find something about women my age also feeling that this isn’t the end of the equation.

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:47pm

    So glad you feel that way G. Definitely not the end of anything!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 10:02am

I love having a clear list of practices that are effective and doable. And do feel so much more confident and comfortable with my body at 57 than I did at 27. Excellent article!

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:46pm

    Glad I could offer you practices, Nina. Yes, as we age, we actually get more comfortable in our bodies than earlier in our lives. Makes us much sexier!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 9:43am

Great ideas! Great article! Everyone needs to know how to stay juicy regardless of their age or relationship status. Thank you!

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:44pm

    Thank you, Valerie! So true.

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 9:24am

This is a very hope-inspiring article. Thank you.

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:44pm

    Hi Gregory and thanks for you comment. Glad it inspired hope in you. If there's any way I can help bosst you more, please do not fail to let me know.

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 8:16am

Great, enlivening article.

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 8:04am

I really love the article that Laurie Handlers wrote. It addresses powerfully many areas that would really empower me in my sexuality in my life and in letting go of my shame, fear, shyness and my uncomfortableNess in sec and intimacy.
I love her definition of restoration sex.

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:41pm

    Thank you, Jodi. Love to get you feeling empowered in this area. You know how to find me!

anonymous Jan 27, 2016 8:03am

Great article Laurie! Keep up the amazing transformative work! Love and Hugs, Sherry

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 12:49pm

    Terrific concise article! Go, Laurie!

    anonymous Jan 27, 2016 4:40pm

    Thanks, Sherry. Appreciate your comment!

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Laurie Handlers

Laurie Handlers is a Sex and Happiness Coach, author of Amazon #1 International Bestseller Sex & Happiness: The Tantric Laws of Intimacy. Through her company, Butterfly Workshops, she offers sexual health and awareness and leadership courses for corporations and individuals throughout the world. She hosts a weekly radio show, Sex and Happiness where she has discussed all things sex, and happiness, since 2006. She has also produced and starred in two independent films, Beyond Dinner and Tantric Tourists.