I am of the age where people say I should be on my way to drying up—over the hill.
I should be finished with all that.
I am a woman well into my 60s and I can tell you that my libido and sex life have never been better.
Of course, a big part of it is that I teach sacred sexuality so I am always thinking about people and sex, but another is that I feel better than ever.
I have so much wisdom about my own body and about other’s bodies that I could never think for one second that I would want to quit on having sex.
I wasn’t always this way.
Yes, I was interested and intrigued by sex. I was also precocious in exploration, but at the same time, I was also afraid of public opinion and of the consequences of sex gone wrong (like pregnancy). So, I acted more prudish than I really was in secret.
What got in the way of my sexual expressions (and yours)?
Sex is like a roller coaster ride. It’s scary because it involves getting naked and being open and vulnerable with ourselves and or another person. And it’s really exciting too, both because of arousal and having to overcome that fear. So, it’s like a ride that makes you want to scream and laugh and cry at the same time.
Showing our body parts to another or even to ourselves evokes tremendous feelings of shame for a variety of reasons. One is that we have been raised to believe that these parts are somehow dirty. Another is that we have judged these parts as not perfect enough.
To complicate things further, many people learn about themselves through watching pornography in which, the people’s body parts are often humongous and exaggerated and the sex acts they are involved in are no reflection of real life sex. They are acting in five minute segments to perform the pornography script.
We should not be judging ourselves by these standards. Everyone’s body parts are different and all are beautiful.
We fear what others think of us. We don’t want to be called cheap or slutty or predatorial by our parents or friends. And even when we are not being judged by others, we have so internalized our fears about it, that we judge ourselves as those things we fear.
Of course, it’s not true, we are brilliant radiant beings, but when are held back from having ecstatic sex, it’s usually based on this particular passion-killer.
So, how do we (re)take pleasure in our bodies?
First of all, it’s necessary to outline that there are four types of sex:
Procreation is sex to have offspring, make babies, propagate the species. Any animal can do it and they do. Many of us only know of this type of sex or have religious beliefs holding us to this type of sex only. Sad but true.
Recreation is sex for sport. It’s the type of sex that often takes place when we have had too much alcohol upon first meeting. Chemicals start flowing and we take each other to bed just for the experience and to fulfill our lust.
Restoration is sex that feels so good, it fills us up from head to toe and the feeling restores youth and energy to the body. It’s been known to feel better than a deep sleep or vacation.
Transformation is sex that takes us into other realms—out into space, walking in the cosmos. It’s a kind of sexual healing that restores our dignity and makes us feel like we are living in a new paradigm of unlimited possibility.
It’s the two latter forms of sex that ultimately lead to ecstasy.
What we need to do is keep ourselves juicy and healthy by keeping the happy, sexy chemicals flowing to our brains. These are oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine.
We do this by borrowing from the ancients for starters. We take some practices from traditions that have been around for centuries like Tantra and Taoism and even practices from ancient Egypt. Then, we add practices from modern psychology and transformational workshops.
It comes down to five broad practices.
1. Practice Emotional Clearing.
There are many forms of this practice to choose from. In general, move your body to get things warmed up. Then, make sound. Then be still in silence. Each of these can be done for several minutes at, say, 10 minute intervals.
2. Practice Pleasure.
Find out what pleases you and then do it. Get somebody else to do it to or with you too. Self exploration practices for discovering what you like are optimal. This includes loving self-touch and masturbation. There are a variety of tools to use as well including vaginal weight lifting eggs and Lucite or glass G-spot wands.
3. Practice Sexual Communication.
Tell your partner exactly what you like, how you like to be touched in detail including light or soft pressure, fast or slow speed, circles or not circles. Include being present—paying attention and being honest. Also tell them when something changes—you wanted soft and now you want hard, for example. It’s best to practice this communication when you are not trying to have an orgasm. It’s better to have these conversations outside the bedroom.
4. Practice Latihan (moving in the unknown).
This practice cultivates the ability to follow your inner guidance. Put on some ethereal or relaxing music and stand silently—-open to existence. Allow whatever energy that comes to flow through you, taking any form—laughing, dancing, singing, crying. Anything can happen. This exercise is often referred to as authentic movement. The idea behind it is to throw away preconceived notions of sex and love-making. Just hang around in the unknown to see what wants to happen authentically in your body.
5. Practice Sex and Keep Practicing.
Experts say that having frequent loving and positive sexual encounters is possibly one of the most important pieces of any anti-aging regimen. The chemicals released to the brain and throughout the entire body during a sexual encounter of this sort are invaluable for restoration and transformation. The operative words here are positive and loving sex.
By following these steps, we should find ourselves able to generate higher and higher levels of ecstasy within, regardless of our age and despite our fears.
From my experience, we can change our body, mind and spirit beyond belief.
The best part? Once we actually do it, it’s simpler than we (over)think. And for the most part, it’s also free.
Author: Laurie Handlers
Editor: Khara-Jade Warren
Image: simpleinsomnia/ Flickr