“Love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation” ~ Khalil Gibran

We were both sitting on the bed when I decided to let you go.

You have caused me too much pain. I knew I had no other choice but to leave. And for the first time ever, you agreed.

You knew you no longer brought me gratification, so you accepted my decision—if only to see me happy again.

In the moment I felt satisfied. After years of being inconsiderate, you finally admitted that you only kept me by your side because you were scared of losing me. At last, you owned up to your selfishness, mistakes and problems.

Nothing could take away the agony of what you put me through, but your honesty helped lessen my suffering.

My pain was less. But it didn’t perish.

When someone hurts us, we tend to start noticing all their flaws. And because you hurt me so deeply, I realized that almost everything you did was getting on my nerves.

I hated how you smoked and always let the cigarette ashes fall onto your clothes instead of putting them in the ashtray.

I loathed how you stayed on your phone for hours while we were in bed.

And God, how I hated when you would take all the blankets for yourself while we slept.

I thought all this hate meant I had stopped loving you. How strange life is though—it seems we only know what someone means to us when we’re on the verge of losing them.

As we sat on that bed and spoke our final words, I looked at you as you lit your cigarette. You took out your phone and started doing what I always hated most.

I watched you for a few minutes as the ashes of your cigarette grew taller. At this point, I would usually yell for you to grab an ashtray. But I remained silent and watched as the ashes hit your white shirt.

I smiled.

I stared at you as you watched those silly videos on your phone.

I smiled again.

Then I reached for the blanket and covered you with it—just for fun. Who cares that you got it all? Not me.

As I gazed at you with your phone in hand and ashes sprinkled on your shirt, I knew I loved you.

And for a moment I almost hugged you, eager to say, “Yes! I will give you one more chance.” But I stopped myself. I knew these were misguided emotions; the same ones that led me to lose myself while loving you.

The same emotions that had me coming back to you after you cheated. The same ones that had me listening to your lies and excuses.

But I’m not listening anymore. Instead, I will watch you as you do the things I thought I hated and be grateful for meeting you.

I will watch you and love you.

It took that final moment of separation to realize what you mean to me, but it will take you a lifetime to know the worth of the person who is letting you go.

 

Author: Elyane Youssef

Editor: Nicole Cameron

Image: Mirøslav Hristøff/Flickr