Editor’s Note: This website is not designed to, and should not be construed to, provide medical advice, professional diagnosis, opinion or treatment to you or any other individual, and is not intended as a substitute for medical or professional care and treatment.
I used to only climax during foreplay.
I dreamed that sex would be like floating along blissfully on a cloud, but the reality was that, post-foreplay, it was never particularly exciting.
I began to wonder if I was doing it wrong…what was the matter with me?
I felt this great rush of dreaminess, like adrenaline flowing through me right before I would have intercourse with my partner, but once we started, the feeling dissipated, leaving me to feel like I was just waiting for him to finish.
I know I am not the only one who cannot have orgasm during intercourse. Women cite a variety of reasons: their partners come to quickly, they are too rough, their minds were somewhere else or they just weren’t in the mood.
Pleasurable orgasmic intercourse happens when we are aligned in body, mind and heart. When we hold back, we tend to be conflicted—maybe wishing we would have asked for something specific, waited until the morning when the buzz wore off or had intercourse before dinner when we were not so full.
All of those years, I’d always have sex after dark. Sometimes it was late at night and all I really wanted to do was sleep. Other times it was after a few drinks…and all I wanted to do was sleep. Then there were the times I was distracted either wanting to see how the movie we were watching in bed ended or being full from dinner.
It wasn’t that I didn’t feel that spark of attraction for my partner, I did. When we first started I would be in the mood, but five to 10 minutes in, I was done.
I generally wasn’t really present—I just wanted it to be over.
There was nothing wrong with me, and there is nothing wrong with other women who have a hard time having an orgasm during intercourse—it may just that we are not allowing ourselves to relax. We may think we are relaxed after a few drinks or as we rest after a long day, but is an orgasm really what we want, do we want to receive it at that moment? If it isn’t, we’re allowed to say no.
I first started having orgasms during intercourse during the day, when I was not distracted by thoughts. I was free from physical discomfort and truly present.
Find a time when you are:
- free from mental distraction
- not overly tired
- have not just eaten
- do not have physical discomfort
- feel generally confident about your body
If we cannot surrender let go of all of the outside distractions, how can we expect our bodies to completely let go into this blissful, floating state of complete relaxation?
We have to be ready to receive but that does not mean that we just accept anything offered from our partner. If the angle isn’t right, move your body or ask your partner to switch positions. If the pace isn’t right, ask them to slow down or speed up.
Let them know if you want to be complemented, if you want to talk dirty or if you prefer silence.
And here’s the key: as you work to find the sweet spot, take note of where you were at before orgasm. Remember when, where and how you drifted off into the orgasm. We have to trust that it will come again—we just have to find that place when we are present and relaxed first, and work from there.
Receiving means feeling worthy, confident and loved. If you know what you want, ask for it.
Author: Jane CoCo Cowles
Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: Adrianna Calvo at Pexels