They want you
but they don’t want you
as a real thing,
after the morning coffees
and the kisses of casual goodbyes
the kisses that leave you gasping for air on the pavement
like nothing, like a waste, like the takeaway cup you are still holding in your hand.
they don’t want you
when there’s silence
when there’s only waiting time
when it’s been so long you’ve forgotten
what “I love you” sounds like.
So listen, next time
I want to wake up
and while I put on my makeup
I want to feel you there, not going anywhere
to say, let’s make plans for today
and for you to stay
to keep the promises, the many promises,
you’ve already made
all the coulds and ifs and shoulds
to become actual possibilities.
I don’t want this to be a game,
not a movie set, not a play
I know what I want now,
the words I haven’t said, the words that used to slip away.
I want more than the morning kisses, and the coffees, and the mid-week glasses of red wine, and the roll-up cigarettes on the rooftop, and misspellings of my name at night, and the texts that you never sent in time.
I understand: it’s life, it’s nice
but for the first time, I’m saying it aloud,
“I want more than this.”
I want much more than this—
and that is where I stand.
Author: Sara Kärpänen
Image: I’m Priscilla / Unsplash