Many men have little to no idea about women.
When a woman’s desire for love and sex is alive, it can and will overwhelm a man.
You may even be surprised to hear that you can inspire and evoke her desire. But doing this—inspiring and evoking the qualities you desire in her—requires a few extra skills, some awareness, and a willingness to learn.
This is much easier than you might think—some love, touch, and conscious connection goes a long way.
Here is my list of top 10 tips to get you started:
10 things to turn your sexless relationship around:
Sex is not something to get from her.
Sex is about two people sharing and expressing their love through connection—a two-bodied expression of love. Show her your love, and inspire her to to shower you with her love. Trust me, you want this. If she’s a raging storm when she’s angry, she can be equally wild in how she loves you. Pay attention to what she loves, what’s important to her, and what lights her up the most—and then bring it!
Foreplay starts the moment you finish having sex.
Hold her, caress her, be there, and be present. Tell her what you’re thinking.
Have you ever woken up and thought, “Fuck you are hot!” when her hair’s all messed up, her eyes are glued together with sleep, and one boob is hanging out of the sheets? Tell her! Or, when she’s dragging around the house in old pants or a dressing gown that falls just right across her ass? Tell her: “I love your ass in those pants.”
If you’re thinking about her at work and you get hard, send her a message: “Baby, I’m thinking about you, and it’s driving me crazy!” If you’re missing her, send her a message. It doesn’t have to be wet and gooey: “I can’t stop thinking of you. I wish I was with you.”
Communicate to her, let her know how you feel, and don’t always make it about sex. Simply noticing her—and letting her know you do—will make a huge difference.
Listen to her.
Just that: listen. You don’t have to fix it, or try and make her feel better—just let her feel. This is called “holding space.” You do this by being present, which creates a space for her to be all that she is and express all that she feels, then and there. It requires you to do nothing essentially. How many men love doing nothing? So, do it impeccably! If it rains outside, you don’t try and fix the weather do you? No. In essence she is the same—put on your coat and deal with it. She’ll love you for it, and best of all, you don’t really have to do anything!
Touch her as you walk past her in the kitchen or on the lounge. Let her feel you’re there and that you notice her. You may run your hand over the small of her back or across her ass, shoulders, or arm. Do it to offer her your touch, not to get something from her. This is important! As men, we often touch women to get something—sex, food, love, or attention. Just offer her something without wanting anything in return. Touch her as you walk by, and don’t say anything—just keep going about what you’re doing.
Learn that sex is like art.
It’s exciting! You get to paint a new picture each time. Change it up by being spontaneous. Watch her face, look in her eyes—how does she respond as you touch her? She’s not like a man; her whole body is an erogenous zone, so use it. What works one day won’t the next, and what didn’t yesterday might today. Think of her as a wave on the ocean—she moves and changes beneath you. If you want to ride the wave, you need to know what it’s doing as it’s doing it, and be ready to change accordingly.
That’s why it’s like art—you won’t know what you’re doing next until it happens and you won’t know where you’re going until you get there.
It’s not about technique.
You’re not a circus monkey, so drop the performance.
Don’t try to get her to orgasm and definitely stop driving to achieve your own. Driving to your own orgasm simply finishes sex. And duh, what are you thinking? You’re finally here and you want to finish? Enjoy the ride, take your time, and enjoy her. Notice the feeling of her skin on yours, and enjoy her passion as she becomes the waves that flow under you, through you, and around you. Watch her body move and respond to you, and enjoy touching her and seeing what happens—explore her.
Play with her and make her laugh.
The truth is, she wants to feel something. So, give her something to feel. If you don’t, she’ll create something to feel, and it might start with a complaint or criticism—at which point, you will want to check out. And doing that will reinforce her fear that you are unavailable.
If you’re tired or need rest, take it. Say: “I need one hour’s rest and then I’ll be with you.” And then be there in one hour exactly and be with her. She would much rather an hour of your loving attention, you lovingly playing with her and being totally with her than a whole night of you checked out, watching something on the TV, and giving her a half-assed version of yourself.
Try some loving touch in your relationship. This is the practice of touching her for her. Don’t let this one lead to sex. Many women have had the experience of men touching them because they want something from them. Get some oils and a candle, lay her down, and just lovingly rub her body.
Stay away from her nipples and her vagina—this is the opportunity to retrain her nervous system to relax and allow you to touch her. She wants to be able to trust you. This is really important! You can gently massage around her breasts; just leave her nipples alone. Watch her and breathe with her at the same time. Notice the sensations of her skin on your hands, lovingly appreciate her, and allow that to be reflected by your touch. And, adjust your touch to her feedback. If she likes something, she’ll let you know. If she doesn’t, she’ll let you know more! Enjoy navigating her body—you’re on a journey!
Learn to be still.
Try breathing into your belly during sex. Doing this relaxes your body, and the more you relax, the more space there is for her to let go. This is important if you like your woman to go crazy with wanting during sex. It will also allow you greater control of your orgasm. Have you ever had an orgasm with a totally relaxed body? I haven’t. Deepen your breath, relax your body, from here, it allows space for you to start to feel into her and intuit where to go next.
Orgasm and ejaculation are two separate things.
You can orgasm and not ejaculate, which feels way more intense. You can have as many orgasms as you want without ejaculating. Once you get this one down, you won’t want to ejaculate as often. Ejaculation feels more like a sneeze compared to orgasm without ejaculation. If orgasm with an ejaculation is a six, it’s a 12 without.
There are some great articles out there about how to practice this—do your research. One technique I found to be incredibly helpful is stopping mid pee. Wait until you have full flow, then stop, full flow, stop, and keep repeating this. These are the muscles you need to train to separate ejaculation from orgasm. You can even practice while walking around, at work, or the dinner table—no one will know! It will drive her crazy if she can’t make you cum, and you’ll enjoy her trying to. This makes for hours of fun and is so much better for both of you!
This will all come together to bring you a long way from where you were when we started this article, so start following this advice right now. Love your woman and don’t hold back!
Author: Rod Gordon
Editor: Catherine Monkman
Copy Editor: Travis May
Social Editor: Nicole Cameron