Shattered illusions are a bitch.

Especially when we’re certain we’re supposed to be with a person. Even when circumstances indicate that we’re making a fool of ourselves, believing we have something so “sacred” and “special” with someone who clearly just isn’t that into us.

It’s a dangerous position I’ve danced myself into many times. The most frustrating, downright infuriating part of this illusion is how sure we are about the relationship. We secretly believe our lover is just pretending, or shy for reasons of their own. We believe we can, and must, pull them to safety to show them what love really is.

Deep down, they surely want to be “an us” too.

I’ve spent decades as a philosophically, psychologically, and spiritually-oriented person who bleeds to know the essence of living while still in the flesh. Self-work is the first thing I do when I wake up and the last thing I do before bed. Everything in between is an altar for my explorations of holiness and humanity.

I’ve been in hell and I’ve trekked my way to heaven—wounded, healed, and dared. By far, my greatest teacher has been the one who met me when I was on my knees. The teacher who forced me to navigate the terrain of releasing an illusion I deeply, deeply, did not want to let go of.

Meeting myself on the other side of this wake-up call was my first real taste of freedom.

If you’ve been in a confusing, on-again off-again relationship with someone you’re certain you were destined to be with, you may be experiencing what I call “extraterrestrial syndrome.”

And you may be right. On the outskirts of the illusion of time, you may be frolicking together through the universe as you sit here reading this. Maybe you are destined to be together.

But you may be wrong about one important thing: that they are your “person.”

Look: we’re here to be human. To experience flesh and bone, sex and hate, love and rage. We’ve chosen to incarnate for a reason. That said, the people we’re “destined to be with in this life” must be our “people.” So we must be willing to admit who are our “people” and who our our “extraterrestrials.”

Here’s how to tell difference:

Our people show up for us all the time. Our extraterrestrials show up when they’re bored.

Our people will stay and fight. Our extraterrestrials will take the flight.

Our people love us enough to hate us. Our extraterrestrials love us enough to like us.

See the difference?

Mentally and emotionally accepting the possibility that we aren’t actually supposed to be with our extraterrestrial is tragic and confusing, but also one of the most liberating moments we’ll ever have in our lives. We can use the aftermath of the heartbreak to recreate ourselves. To rise to our highest potential—recognizing our true value and capacity to love.

If you’re caught up with an “extraterrestrial,” here’s how to break free:

1. Every time you have the itch to stalk your extraterrestrial online, stalk yourself. Narcissists get a bad rap. No one wants to identify with such an egoic “no-no,” but usually it’s the narcissists we pay attention to. Give yourself a little love by looking yourself up, paying attention to you, seeing what the world sees of you, and realizing that your life surely seems pretty damn juicy to someone else looking in. Even if you feel like you’ve been through hell.

2. Know that it’s okay to be sad. You don’t have to “get over it.” You have permission to let life suck for a while and not try to escape the suckiness. You’re invited to feel it without feeling stupid.

3. Then, realize that you’re going to attract people and events on the same level that you’re feeling inside of you. Your power is within you. Turn inward and charge yourself up from the inside-out with how you actually want to feel.

4. Be the chooser, don’t wait to be chosen. I’ll rephrase this because it’s simple, yet so essential. Choose what you will stand for in your own life. Give up the “nice person” and stop tolerating bullsh*t, even if you have been this whole time. And mean it. Your worth is not contingent upon being chosen by someone else. That’s an option, you know. The sexiest thing you can do for yourself, is to choose you.

This may be a hard pill to swallow, but I encourage you to look at what your extraterrestrial has been distracting you from. Do you actually hate your job? Or your body? Is it easier to enter La-La-Land in a cosmic dance with an extraterrestrial, wasting your nights stalking your ex for a sense of emotional invalidation, rather than validating yourself? Be curious about what you’re using this person to distract you from, knowing that paying attention would mean everything would change.

Our extraterrestrials often show up out of nowhere, when least expected or wanted—pursuing us, rather than the other way around, which is great because we actually like them. It feels easy to follow their lead, but we are loved more than we commit to loving them in the beginning when we are pursued. When we’re inevitably dropped (as the E.T.s always do) it can especially make us vulnerable to our deepest insecurities. Our E.T.s “found us out”. They discovered that we’re not actually so great at all. That’s surely why they left.

I get it. It hurts.

But here’s the thing: you were dropped from a pedestal that would never in a million years have set you up for the equality and connection your soul is deeply seeking. In order to grow, you must have an equal—not someone who worships you from below. The fall is hard and beyond humbling. It dumps us into the pits where we hide our deepest shames. Shame for letting them in, shame for being found out, shame for not being good enough, shame for being a nobody, shame for purely existing.

Ultimately, our extraterrestrials leave us alone because they’re not on “our level,” or we’re not on theirs. Give ’em up. You’ve got eternity to do that dance. In order to grow, finding someone on our level matters most in relationship. If you’re feeling gravity’s bruises, my love, you can climb back up that ladder. Sit your ass back down, look directly across from you, and wait to see your equal. They’ll be sitting in the same dimension of consciousness as you are.

Decide you’re ready to experience life from the vantage point of of two equals, and “your person” will surely be there.

~

Author: Stacy Hoch
Image: Youtube screenshot
Editor: Danielle Beutell
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