A Dog’s quintessential (& brutally honest) guide to Finding a Human Soulmate.

Via Kristen Ward
on Nov 12, 2017
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Woof! Come closer, human, I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
(I lick you, I kiss you, I lick you some more.)

Dogs and people don’t always form a perfect coupling for their committed relationship right from the start. Our union together consists of two different species after all, and it’s not quite as natural and organic as you might imagine.

Have you ever seen a canine walking his human down the street and wondered: “How did those two wind up together?” BOL (Bark Out Loud.) Yes—me too!

Sometimes, it just doesn’t seem to click between us and I’ve been scratching my furry head about it recently.

This connection disparity sparked my curiosity, so I put my paws to the keyboard and did a little research. It turns out that there are seven distinct groups of pooches—each representing our own unique temperament and personality.

We fur angels aren’t overwhelmingly persnickety when it comes to selecting our owner—we look for the basics—kindness, compassion, lifetime love, and a sense of humor. Nevertheless, I thought it would be beneficial to dig a little deeper and identify some specific qualities that we desire in creating a match made in doggie heaven—and soulmates that last beyond the rainbow bridge.

So here’s a compatibility guide for humans to find their best friend. No app required, and no swiping right or left! I dictated this to my human so please excuse any items lost in translation—I have a feeling she omitted my intermittent ploys for treats, toys, and walks.

1. The Hound Group
>> Eligible companion: The sophisticate.

You must have a well-rounded, virtuous, and independent spirit. It’s also okay if you are introverted or on the shy side. We’ll spend some quiet evenings together by the fire—you sipping cocoa with a book, and me nibbling idly at my bone. I enjoy the finer things in life, and I expect many walks and high-pitched debates discussing the importance of proper grooming. I will reward you in kind with the utmost loyalty and lots of dignified snuggles.

Bonus: If you are into music and enjoy playing a variety of tunes on that big black speaker thing, we can have dance parties and sing at the top of our lungs together. I especially love Elvis!

Furry love matches: Afghan Hound, American Foxhound, Basenji, Basset Hound, Beagle, Foxhound, Dachshund, Greyhound, and Rhodesian Ridgeback.

What’s your sign? Cancer, Taurus, and Capricorn humans are worthy candidates and may apply for ownership.

2. Terrier Group
>> Eligible companion: The dynamo.

It is imperative that you match my spitfire wit, impulsive thirst for adventure, and love of the outdoors. We will be doing lots of exploring in our days together, and I must insist you have both mental and physical stamina—no wimps allowed! I am feisty and fun, and you should be too. We’ll often be engaged in the pursuit of smaller life forms so I highly recommend the best leash and collar money can buy. You will love me for my looks but will keep me for my brains.

Bonus: If you have eyes in the back of your head, you’ll be able stay on top of my plucky and mischievous ways.

Furry love matches: Border, Bull, Cairn, Glen of Imaal, Irish, Kerry Blue, Bedlington, American Hairless, and American Staffordshire.

What’s your sign? My ideal homosapiens are: Gemini, Aquarius, and Aries.

3. Herding Group
>> Eligible companion: The savant.

Are you one of those humans that keeps a running mental to-do list but can’t seem to recall a single thing that’s on it? If so, you could be the one for me. I am seeking a book-smart thespian that sometimes has trouble finding their way out of a paper bag. You can be a beautiful dichotomy of savvy and ditzy—running in circles one day and totally having your sh*t together the next. I prefer a minimum IQ of 115, but don’t worry, I can’t count that high on my paws. I also admire a global perspective when it comes to our evening chats. In exchange for your imaginative ways, you will receive a lifelong BFF that shares your quest for balance and also enjoys spending an equal amount of time both in and outdoors.

Bonus: If you own a farm somewhere in northeastern Europe where I can gather sheep at my leisure—that would rock. I also have a hankering to meet the queen, and soon.

Furry love matches: Finnish Lapphund, German Shepard, Icelandic Sheepdog, American Shepard, Old English Sheepdog, Pembroke Welsh Corgi, Polish Lowland Sheepdog, and Spanish Water Dog.

What’s your sign? You are meant to be mine if you are a Libra, Leo, or Aquarius.

4. Sporting Group
>> Eligible companion: The enthusiast.

You might plausibly guess what my number one human virtue is, because it’s kind of obvious. But just in case I need to paw it out for you, here goes: I want a human who is moderately to obsessively immersed in physical and mental fitness. Athleticism comes in many shapes and sizes, I know, but you must be willing to go on walks every single day. No exceptions.

But, oh, we will have so much fun! We will sniff, cavort, jostle, and laugh our way through the grassy knolls and golden leaves until we are pleasantly spent with exhaustion. I will provide you with tons of smiles, toys, kisses, and even beverages.

Bonus: If you have a room big enough to hold all my toys, I would be ever so grateful. FYI—I overheard that there are subscription programs online that allow you to have toys shipped directly to our house. Wow!

Furry love matches: Brittany, Clumber Spaniel, English Setter, German Shorthaired Pointer, Golden Retriever, Irish Setter, Sussex Spaniel, and Vizsla.

What’s your sign? I will gladly accept all signs of the zodiac but I have an ever-so-slight preference for Cancers, Pisces, and Scorpios.

5. Toy Group
>> Eligible companion: The jetsetter.

Calling all world explorers and fashionistas! You love me so much that you want to take me everywhere you trek—and how can I blame you? I’m larger than life in a pint-sized package. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest and paw in hand, we will boldly make entrances, charm hearts, and take no prisoners. We are a fearless duo and those around us respect our unique and formidable forces. No paparazzi please!

Bonus: If you have multiple luggage pieces that can escort me to our next destination in style, you are after my heart.

Furry love matches: Chihuahua, English Toy Spaniel, Havenese, Maltese, Papillion, Pomeranian, Pug, and Shih Tzu.

What’s your sign? My ruling love matches are Pisces, Gemini, and Taurus.

6. Working Group
>> Eligible companion: The achiever.

Are you are a Type-A individual who enjoys working hard and playing just as hard? Can you move mountains once you set your mind to accomplishing something? Together, you and I will put the A-team to shame, and we’ll spend our days kicking ass and taking names.

Reserved and ready, we’ll make the world a better place, and afterward we’ll reward ourselves with delicious libations and treats.

Bonus: If you have access to a big yard to play in, I will give you gobs of big wet slobbery smooches! I’m a <cut a typically a big ball of love and require some room to roam.

Furry love matches: Akita, Bernese Mountain Dog, Boxer, Chinook, German Pincher, Great Dane, and Mastiff.

What’s your sign? Virgos, Cancers, and Capricorns make it to the head of the class.

7. Non-Sporting Group

>> Eligible companion: The enigma.

You will need to be vetted and I will need to be petted on an individual basis for consideration. I am one of a diverse group of tail waggers, and I will need to chew on your candidacy on a case by case basis. Not to worry, I’m certain one of us will accept you as ours to love.

Furry love matches: Boston Terrier, Bulldog, Chow Chow, Dalmatian, Lhasa Apso, Lowchen, Poodle, and Tibetan Spaniel.

~

There it is. I hope you enjoyed my matchmaking handiwork. Do you think I make a pretty good cupid? One bark for yes, two barks for no.

Compatibility and commonalities aside, the biggest consideration between you and I is an exchange of unconditional love. Whether we found each other through a shelter, breeder, store, or street, our bond and reliance upon each other is irrevocable and unbreakable.

Once we choose each other, we are in this life together for the long haul—make no bones about it. Woof.

Stick drop.

With Puppy Love,

~ Dublin the Corgi

~

Author: Kristen Ward
Image: Memesville
Editor: Jen Schwartz
Copy Editor: Callie Rushton

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About Kristen Ward

Kristen Ward is a consummate animal lover, travel addict, and home fluffer upper. A jack of many trades but master of just a few, she can wield a hammer, paintbrush, beer stein, and kettle ball with moderate dexterity. You can find this former Yankee south of the Mason-Dixon playing with her Pembroke Welsh Corgi, searching for the ideal craft IPA, and perfecting her delivery of “Y’all.”

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