March 15, 2018

This is how I found out that I am Enough just as I am—& so are You.

I learned the hard way that the most important relationship in our lives is the relationship we have with ourselves.

In March 2016, I dropped my daughter off at her dad’s and cuddled her for a bit longer than usual when I said goodbye. I thought I’d spend the 50-mile drive home in tears.

I didn’t cry, because I didn’t feel anything. I just felt numb. I drove home thinking that would be the last time she would see me.

I planned how I was going to do it. I’d spent hours and weeks researching how.

I had my tablets saved up from the doctors. I’d been saving them for weeks. My plan was to take them all with the hope that I wouldn’t wake up.

I thought I didn’t deserve to be loved.

I was worthless.

Not good enough.

I hated life.

I hated myself.

I hated myself so much that I thought my daughter was better off without me. I thought her dad could do a better job of taking care of her than me. I was in a deep, dark hole, and I didn’t know how to get out of it.

When I got home, I said goodnight to my dogs and shut myself in the bedroom. I got the tablets out and just laid there. I still felt numb. I still felt nothing.

All of a sudden something came over me. I couldn’t do it. I told myself I deserved better than this. My daughter didn’t deserve this. My childhood had been ruined. I didn’t want to ruin hers too. She needs me. She needs her mum. The tears came, and I started to cry.

I wouldn’t say I found strength. I certainly didn’t feel very strong. I can only describe what I found as self-love. Somewhere underneath all that hate for myself I found some love. Sounds crazy, right? I told myself I do deserve to be here. People need me. People love me.

That night changed my life. It became the night that changed everything forever. My turning point. I decided that this was the last time I was going to go through this. I told myself I would do whatever it took to make sure I didn’t end up in that deep, dark hole again.

Out of my pain, my purpose found me.

For a while, I felt really ashamed of what I nearly did that night. I nearly left my daughter without a mum. I felt more shame about that than I did my sexual abuse. My abuse left me with shame, guilt, anger, resentment, and a deep hatred for myself. But I don’t feel shame about that night now. One promise I made to myself is that I won’t beat myself up anymore. That I would be kind to myself. That I would live life without regrets. Because for me, living with regrets about what I did or didn’t do isn’t being kind to myself.

So why did that night change my life? I got the help I needed. I learned about working with my mindset and self-development. I came off antidepressants, which I’d been on for as long as I could remember. I always said that I could never see my life without them. But I did it. And when I did, I felt stronger without them. I started to like myself. I started to love and respect myself.

No one should live a life with negative emotions and feelings about themselves. That’s no way to live. It’s not living. We’re all here because we have a gift to give to the world. We’re her to live life to our full potential—to live a life that’s fulfilled.

So here I am. I’m not a victim anymore. I’ve spent my life wondering what my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t been abused. Wondering what I could’ve achieved. Now I see it as: what can I achieve because of my abuse. I not only survived, but I’m thriving. I use my abuse as something that moves me forward, not something that holds me back. I’m an overcomer. My experiences allow me to be empathetic; they don’t define who I am. I have an unstoppable wave of persistence. I have a fighting spirit that will never die.

If you ever feel down, if you’ve ever felt like this, please remember that your life is important. You are important. There are people who love you. There are people who need you. There are people who need your love. More importantly, you need to give yourself some love. Because the relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship of all.

Everything flows from the relationship you have with yourself. You are a gift—a miracle. Act like one, and treat yourself like one.

We are happiness.

We are joy.

We are love.

People spend their lives looking for those three things. We already have them within us. We need to stop chasing something we already are and find these qualities from within. I love you.


Bonus: Tim Brod—King of the Bees.




Author: Terri Kearns
Image: Author’s Own
Editor: Travis May
Copy & Social Editor: Nicole Cameron

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Terri Kearns Mar 19, 2018 11:42am

Thank you so much, I really hope it does help people. Yes I can't imagine life without my dogs, they have got me through some rough times. I loved the idea of a virtual pet, sho cute! Thanks for reading my article and have a fabulous day!

Genevieve McClaran Mar 19, 2018 7:11am

Thanks you for sharing. It's so important for other victims to read articles like this. It gives people hope that things can be better. I'm glad you have dogs. They are the most wonderful companions anyone can have. I have a friend who does not have the space to keep a dog. Her daughter came home from school with the idea of a virtual pet(http://www.neopets.com/allpets.phtml) and today both mother and daughter happily nurture a number of pets online. All this might not be real, but the comfort they get from having them is very real. It has really helped my friend who has problems that she finds hard to deal with. Again, many thanks.

Terri Kearns Mar 18, 2018 8:07pm

Stacey I appreciate you and your support so much. Thank you

Stacey Hall Mar 16, 2018 8:21pm

Terri, thank you so much for sharing your story!! May lives be changed for the better because you shared yourself with us!

Terri Kearns Mar 16, 2018 3:06pm

Thank you very much I appreciate your comments. I've shared it so many times I'm used to it now but yes the first time I did it I was scared. You do have the courage, we all do. Only you know when you're ready. If you ever need to talk I'm here. If there's one thing I've learnt is that it's ok to reach out and it feels like a weight is lifted when you find people who get it. Take care

Jennifer Evangelista Mar 16, 2018 2:20pm

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes bravery to do so. I hope some day to possess that kind of courage.

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Terri Kearns

Terri Kearns has transformed from victim to victor. She hit rock bottom twice after going through sexual abuse in childhood. Her second rock bottom became the turning point of her life, and she knew she had to do whatever it took to make sure she didn’t end up in that deep, dark hole again. She took responsibility and created a life she loved by changing everything she believed about herself and the world around her and the relationship she had with herself. She is now helping others do the same through her coaching system where she works with people who want to leave their victim identity behind, build a strong foundation of self-love and self-belief, step into their power, and live life to their full potential. The Terri Kearns Method focuses on psychology and emotional intelligence and development. Terri believes you have to have resilience and resolve before you can take any step forward. Terri lives just outside London with her two rescue dogs and female mini-human who shares her addiction to chocolate and will one day live again where the sun always shines.