July 12, 2018

Elizabeth Gilbert Explains Grief in the Best Possible Way.

Six months after losing Rayya—her partner, best friend, and soul mate—Elizabeth Gilbert is speaking up about grief.

In a post she shared on Instagram, Gilbert explains what she’s learned about grief and how she handles it.

When people ask her how she’s doing, she says that it depends on the day—on the moment. Sometimes she’s good, and at other times she’s not.

Then she continues with the words that strike me the most. She says:

“I have learned that Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own schedule. Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love. The only way that I can ‘handle’ Grief, then, is the same way that I ‘handle’ Love—by not ‘handling’ it. By bowing down before its power, in complete humility.”

What Elizabeth Gilbert is currently going through is familiar to all of us. At some point, we’ve all gone through grief. It usually stems from the loss of a loved one, or anything that we have once cherished and from which we unexpectedly detach.

Dealing with grief is challenging, and as Gilbert puts it, “it’s unpredictable.” Oftentimes, years after losing the person we love, we might find ourselves grieving for a few minutes, hours, or days. The truth is that we can’t escape grief. Gilbert continues by saying that when grief visits her, it’s like being visited by a tsunami and she barely has time to recognize that it’s happening now, in this present moment.

Not only are we not capable of escaping this tremendous tsunami, we’re also terrified by its visit. Anything that we can’t control terrifies us, because as human beings, we don’t like to lose control. Gilbert describes the things that we can’t control as “bigger than us.”

Perhaps, we’ve been dealing with grief the wrong way all along. Having been there more than once, I agree with Gilbert wholeheartedly when she says, “And then I drop to the floor on my knees and let it rock me. How do you survive the tsunami of Grief? By being willing to experience it, without resistance.”

Resistance is our conditioned habit for dealing with things in life. We’re oblivious to the fact that grief is an opportunity, not a hindrance. It’s our chance, as Gilbert puts it, “to bow down before everything that is bigger than us,” to accept that loss is inescapable and that everything around us is fleeting.

When we resist emotions, we only brush them under the rug. Nonetheless, when we “bow down” to them and allow ourselves to fully experience them—without any judgment—we make friends with them. Our worst emotions become our best allies.

It’s okay to not be in control, it’s okay to be small before the big things, and it’s okay to not “handle” them.

Elizabeth Gilbert says at the end that she doesn’t know where Rayya is now, and it’s not hers to know—but she does know that she will love her forever. Gilbert not only inspires us to be willing to feel our grief, but to also accept that love isn’t defined by physical presence.

“Forever” is only a set of “nows.” That said, perhaps it doesn’t matter where our lover is. What matters is that we will love them still in every passing moment—every right now.


“The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you,
not knowing how blind that was.
Lovers don’t finally meet somewhere.
They’re in each other all along.” ~ Rumi



author: Elyane Youssef

Image: Instagram @elizabeth_gilbert_writer

Editor: Yoli Ramazzina

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Deb Trebon Lambo Jul 13, 2018 4:06pm

I appreciate this article and quote regarding grief. People need to understand that grief is normal, and that one can grieve and live and love simultaneously. For those who want more helpful information and one of the best books ever on grief, look up "It's OK that You're Not OK", written by Megan Devine.

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Elyane Youssef

Elyane S. Youssef is an extraterrestrial who was given birth by Earthlings. While living on planet Earth, she fell in love with art, books, nature, writing, photography, traveling, and…pizza. Elyane finds her joy in backpacking and bonding with locals. To see the faces she interacts with on her travels, you can follow Face of the World on Instagram. Besides getting on and off planes, she is in a serious relationship with words and hopes to inspire as many people as possible through them. Once her mission is accomplished on Earth, she will return to her planet to rejoin her extraterrestrial brothers and sisters. In case you’re wondering, yes, she is still willingly obsessed with Frida Kahlo. You can connect with her on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram. You can also check out her macrame art on Instagram.