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August 27, 2018

I am Infinitely more Interesting than my Trauma.

Today, it was this—this truth—that uncurled and whispered to me, and then washed through my entire being. It was this—this thing that I had forgotten.

My pain is not the most interesting thing about me.

What?! It felt so unexpected and yet so sweet.

I have writhed around in darkness for so long that it nearly consumed me. At times, I seemed to become it. But now, I am on the other side. And my life is not perfect, but I’ve worked so hard to heal.

Life is good.

And I want to notice that. I want to soak in all the space I’ve created, as old obstacles dissolve into dust and air. I want to expand into the lungs of this wholeness that once seemed elusive. I want to test the limits of the old fear that I was too fragmented to ever be okay again.

Because today, I remembered. Today, I remembered that I am so much more than the sum of my once-broken parts.

So are you—may these words fill your beautiful heart in the fiery tenderness of your own healing.

 

I am infinitely more interesting than my trauma.

I am not this festering wound.

I am not pain.

I know those things well—I’ve kissed and tangoed with the darker sides of life.

And that was terrifying, but wise medicine.

I drank from the poison I was served and made it into nectar, for it spills down my chin now.

Because I am not the collective ache of this world.

I am not just the groan and growl of all the tough sh*t has happened to me.

And I do not have to hold all the hurt.

It can wash down my body, with the gentle gushing of a waterfall.

I am me.

I am whole.

I am guided.

I am brilliant.

I am here.

Yes, I may still struggle sometimes—but the fire, the wick of my soul, is lit by the mere act of being alive.

I am infinitely more interesting than my trauma.

I am infinitely more interesting, even, than all that I’ve learned in my healing.

I am the spirited spark of sourced light that glows, just because I breathe.

I am the Beloved.

Now, I know I have kissed not only darkness—but delight.

Pleasure.

Bliss.

Truth.

The honeyed sweetness of joy and laughter.

Love.

And I am not those things either.

I am big, big, so big—big in all the ways they said a woman should not be.

I am infinite, vast—an expansive, thrashing deep-blue sea.

I am free falling at a thousand miles an hour, my hair drenched in the Milky Way

As I barrel toward the ground,

Landing on the thick green grass,

Feeling the powerful vibrations of the earth

Met with the star-rain of my tears.

I am here.

My soul is fire. It pulsates to the drum that sources the luscious truth of all life.

My throat drips with the rubies of these words

I exhale the smoke of all I have burned away.

I am alive.

And I will honor my wounds. Absolutely.

But they will not define me.

No.

I am defined by the soulfulness that dives and thrives within me,

The spark

That

Can

Never

Die.

I am me.

I am whole.

Yes.

My soul defines me.

Not my pains, my mistakes, my regrets, the bruises on my heart nor my deepest, still-tender wounds.

I have stood in the blazing mud and sh*t of it all

And I have lived to tell about it

Because I was inspired to turn the ache into beauty

Instead of choking on darkness for the rest of my life—

That is not my destiny.

And it is not yours, either.

So

We

Rise.

Whether we think we can or not,

Whether we are ready or not,

It is not even something we decide.

We rise.

Because the wings on our insides are made to take flight.

Because we are woven with magic.

Because we are meant to be vibrant, wild with life.

I am infinitely more interesting than my trauma.

And I feel it. I feel who I am.

It is written in poetry and the pulsations of zest, truth, and intense beauty—

Not pain.

I swirl the moon in the palms of my hand, I am mystical, human, and divine

I am alive.

Life is threaded through my bones, my teeth, each muscle, and sinew.

I kiss the breeze, the lush emerald green of the trees

I am alive.

And I am infinitely more interesting than my trauma.

I am the vast juiciness of a whole universe to discover.

That raw fire of potent potential that resides inside me

I lick the flames

I am me.

I am whole.

I am guided.

I am brilliant.

I am here.

I

Am

Alive. 

~

author: Sarah Harvey

Image: Javier Avellan Veloz/Flickr

Editor: Naomi Boshari

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Sarah Harvey

Sarah Harvey resides in the mysterious mountains of western North Carolina. Through the journey of healing her own trauma and pain, she has found power in poetry, art, and dance. She loves supporting people to step into their power, find their voices, and flourish. She believes in resilience. She believes that sometimes, our darkest days lead to the most unexpected, breathless joy. She currently offers life coaching sessions and is pursuing her Masters in Counseling. She feels passionate about supporting sensitive souls with a grounded, creative, and gentle approach. Follow Sarah on Facebook and her website!