December 25, 2018

I Dare You to Be Your Own F*cking Idol.


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As 2018 began to end, I sat down and stared at my bucket list.

I realized that I had ticked almost everything off for this year.

Everything but one word was left uncrossed and staring back at me:


I had waited years to find “the one” to accompany me to Florence so I could tick it off.

But why am I waiting for someone to take me there—why the f*ck don’t I just take myself?

I had ticked off things that, one year ago, my mind did not even think were possible.

I got accepted by my music dream label, and my own EP made it into the charts.

In that same week, I had one of my poems published in Elephant Journal, that somehow also placed me as a writer of the month.

Why the f*ck couldn’t I take myself to Florence, hold my own hand, drink wine with myself, and put a lock on the bridge with my own name on it?

Of course I could!

So I did.

I jumped on a plane, I booked myself a hotel overlooking the Duomoand I took myself to that bridge and left a locket there. “KV 4 KV 4eva” I scribbled on it with a kind stranger’s pen.

And then what happened, after two days alone in one of the most romantic cities in the world, blew me away.

As I stood on the bridge and watched couples take selfies and kiss, capturing one of the most romantic moments of their lives to show their children, an overwhelming release came over me.

I was not sad or depressed over anything in particular, but I started to weep.

And once the tears began to pour, I could not stop.

I wept for all of the awful exchanges I had to experience in 2018—knowing how raw, yet beautiful and wonderful human connection can be.

I wept because I do not know what my future holds. As a creative, I dance with the devil every day and, at almost 29 years old, I feel everyone younger than me already has their sh*t together.

But not having my sh*t together is where I grow. It is the portal from which I write.

Nothing significant I have ever created has come from a place of stability.

I love the darkness. For it is in the depths of my despair that I write my best words and my best music.

And those are the same words and music that had me ticking off my 2018 goals.

I wept because I was so happy on my own, and life can always be this beautiful, if I just let nobody in.

I wept even more because there is no fun in that.

I live for human connection.

I wept as I read the feedback from my previous Elephant Journal post and am reminded of how vulnerability can change the world.

I wept even more because I know this, and still I hold myself back.

I wept because I have so much more inside me, but I am scared if I share it with the world, I will be chased and crucified for speaking what we are all maybe thinking in our core.

I wept because I know what I am capable of.

And after all of that, something came over me.

I stopped weeping.

I clicked my love lock with myself to the side of the bridge and I closed my eyes.

For the first time in my life, my heart said to my brain, “I f*cking love you, Katie.”

At that moment in time, I realized that I really can have it all.

At this time of the year, looking back and looking forward, I am reminded that we are in a 12:12 portal. In this portal, we must manifest what we want the next six months of our lives to look like.

I began mine doing what I love: roaming the path less traveled, drinking wine, and scribbling this blog in my notebook.

So, who do you want to be?

What do you have to let go of in order to reach that goal?

What do you need to do to realize that person already exists inside of you right now?

She is real. She is yours. Plant your seeds right now—and watch 2019 flourish and outgrow your 2018.

Get ready to cross out all those wishes and wants on your bucket list.

Be your own f*cking idol. I dare you.


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