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March 26, 2019

Wherever I Am, Therein Lies My Purpose.

The featured photo is one day worth of dishes piled up to dry from meals at home for my family. I waited to do dishes from last night until this morning to enjoy having my evening with my husband home to help me with the kids.

It’s nice to have a partner home when you spend 40-50 hours a week parenting young children/caretaking/householding/housemaiding alone. I raise or tend to my children 90% of each week, 70% of the time I do it completely alone (while husband is at work/commute/obligations to provide for family).

And because my work-space is also my home, it can be very easy to feel trapped. There is nothing to break up the monotony or change the environment, its the same thing every day and it’s not always a choice.

I’m lucky to be married. I’m lucky to have a Mother in Law to watch my youngest so I can practice and teach yoga. I’m blessed to have a big home and nice things and a beautiful life with children *BUT* my job is hard and endless. 

My purpose feels bigger than the kitchen sink but yet that’s where I stand so many of my hours.

My purpose feels bigger than being the family referee.

My purpose feels bigger than my car and endless hours on the road commuting as a chauffeur to my children and family’s needs.

My purpose feels bigger than the painstaking grocery trips with my son running around the store while I frantically search for him since I never get to shop alone. 

(My youngest will not sit in the cart 90% of the time; I have yet to learn how to force my children to do anything without harm so I let them be free so I can function and pay for it daily – please no advice, I know it all; unfortunately theory and practice are entirely different things). 

My purpose feels bigger than cleaning sinks and toilets and bedrooms and shelves and couches and floors and laundry and appliances and tables and cars and yards.

My purpose feels bigger than keeping up with the bills, household needs, healthy foods, infinite appointments and endless obligations.

The weight of it all can feel so heavy that I shrink and I temporarily forget my value, worth and capability.

~I assume my purpose is somehow bigger than right where I am, and that is where I am mistaken.

Wherever I am, therein is my purpose. ~

Because my list of to-do’s goes beyond what I could ever accomplish, I assume that I am not capable of the daunting role/tasks before me and belittle my capability/role/purpose/experience. 

The reason I feel that my life is overtaken by all of this “stuff” is because I’m under the impression and/or limiting belief that somehow all of this could be bigger then I am or what I’m capable of.

However, all of the things I do and all the tasks I have are extensions of ME and my choices and of the life I created.

~The life ** I ** created.~

So, in fact, if I AM all of the things that I must do. I chose them, create them and sustain them.

They are my purpose.

This means I am bigger than any individual task and all of them because I am the one who called them forth and created them.

From this realization, that I am the creator of my experience, I remind myself to feel grateful for all I’ve created.

For my ability to create (my) Life.

Grateful that I have dishes to wash in a beautiful home and that I have a family that I get to take care of. 

Grateful that my son goes to the school of our dreams which means I have to drive there and commute daily.

Grateful for endless days and sleepless nights- to some extent.

Because all of which I wanted, I was able to create and now it is my responsibility and my choice to maintain and sustain the life I’m living.

Grateful that I have accomplished so much in a life so full that I almost can’t recognize my part in it.

~ I’ve created something incredibly worthwhile beyond (only) myself and isn’t that the point of life? ~

Therein lies my purpose.

My purpose is wrapped up amidst the chaos and within the mundane.

How could I deny myself this recognition and validation of my worth just as things are and nothing more? 

I am grateful that I am the creator of my life and still right now have the power to change it.

But I wouldn’t.

And that says it all.

Although sometimes I may feel overwhelmed and sense a deep aching need for “more”… I realize that the”more” I’m seeking is simply the recognition of what I already have and that my purpose lies therein.

It’s all right here, right where I AM ?

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Brandy Gray  |  Contribution: 2,350