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July 31, 2019

6 Ways we can Attract a Mindful, Soulful, Compatible Partner.

 

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When we experience disappointment in any relationship, especially a romantic one, it is extremely tempting to slip into the blame game, focusing on everything the other person said or did wrong.

When I recently went through a breakup, I was given a lot of support from friends who subscribed to the “Kate’s ex is a jerk” mentality.

But I found that judging, criticizing, and blaming my ex-boyfriend felt just as debilitating as the breakup itself. Getting over my heartache wasn’t about convincing myself I was better off without that “jerk,” but rather focusing on where I got it wrong and could improve. Even if the demises of our relationships are 90 percent the other person’s fault, we still have to look at our 10 percent.

Looking forward into the future, this truth speaks to a key shift we need to make in the way we view our relationships.

Instead of making a laundry list of traits we want in an ideal mate, what if we spent our time and energy figuring out who we want to be in a relationship?

Doesn’t that feel so much more empowering? After all, our thoughts, feelings, and actions are the only things we can control. When we practice being the people we want to be, the ideal partner will show up, and this time, we will be more ready to share and receive a deeply nourishing, lasting love. We will be more aware of our triggers and how to better manage our emotions, and instead of focusing on what we can get, we will be generous with what we can give. We won’t settle or expect someone to “complete” us, as our core belief system is, “I am complete.”

When we begin to look at our relationships as adventuresome assignments for ultimate personal development and soul growth, our desperate need to try to control them will shift. Instead of obsessing over why someone wasn’t able to love us exactly as we wanted, we will understand we were brought together to learn from one another.

Sure, sometimes you really were mistreated in your last relationship. Many other times, the lesson is actually: “I haven’t done the inner work required to allow the relationship to flourish.”

From a spiritual perspective, if we can learn not to attack or defend and instead practice forgiveness and take responsibility for our wounds (which appear as character defects we are tempted to judge in ourselves and others), then we can heal these wounds, release the painful feelings associated with them, and show up for ourselves and others as happy, healthy partners.

Here are some of the practices I use on a daily basis to make sure my focus in my relationships, past and present, is less about assessing how good the other person is or was and more about how I’m showing up:

1. Give your partner unconditional acceptance.

What I am about to say is one of the biggest challenges we face as human beings: forgive and accept people—in this case, your mate—exactly as he or she is. If you don’t like a certain behavior, try changing your response to that behavior rather than trying to change your partner.

Accepting a person for who they are sets us free—we don’t feel the need to try to control them. Instead, we can focus on controlling our emotions and decide whether to stay in or leave the relationship.

2. Surrender your grievances and attachments to anyone who has done you wrong.

Getting angry at someone for not wanting to be with us is disempowering and takes us out of our dignity. In fact, it’s self-sabotaging to lash out, show our disapproval of, and condemn the other person for leaving—because when we attack another, we are also attacking ourselves.

On a spiritual level, we are all connected. When we judge, blame, or condemn another, we may feel good for a few minutes, but either they will attack us back or, even if they don’t, we will feel as though they did due to our own guilt. This is a universal law of cause and effect: what we give, we must get back. That’s why it feels so good to give a gift or compliment and make someone smile or laugh.

It’s easy to accept people who want us, but the challenge is to accept people who do not want us. The goal is to get to a place where we love people whether they want us or not.

Moreover, approving people for who they are and their decision not to be with us creates the space for us to attract the right person.

3. Practice more forgiveness, which is the answer to everything.

When someone hurts our feelings, and we don’t feel the need to cause any emotional harm back, we pass the test. When we are willing to take 100 percent responsibility for our lives (even though it can be challenging), we grow up faster and become emotionally stronger.

Instead of lashing out against people who’ve hurt us, try to take a deep breath and see it as an opportunity to heal an old wound and grow. With practice, you will begin to become less and less reactive and feel a greater sense of peace and freedom. Sit in meditation with the awareness that nothing changes until first it is accepted exactly as it is.

The point here isn’t to accept people’s mistreatment of us—rather, the point is to not allow their mistreatment to get the best of our emotions. We can respond to a negative situation appropriately by leaving when needed, but the ability to accept and forgive is what will ultimately set us free from those hurtful emotions that came from it.

4. Show up fully.

Instead of asking, “Is this person really good enough for me?” Ask yourself, “Am I really showing up for this person and creating a safe space for their transformation and enlightenment?”

That’s a big difference!

In creating the space for another’s transformation, we allow them to be who they were not yesterday—we give them the freedom to get it right. As long as your partner is willing to work on themselves, the relationship can move forward.

Of course, if your partner demonstrates they aren’t willing to grow or aren’t taking the necessary steps to actualize that growth, it may be time to move on. We can’t force anyone to change; they must choose to evolve of their own free will.

In the meantime, while they’re sorting out themselves, pray for their happiness every day. Remind them how wonderful they are. Give support and be generous with your time, compliments, undivided attention, and so forth. Resist the temptation to project onto another that he or she is your completion and to demand that they behave a certain way.

It is easy to love someone when they are doing and saying everything we want them to. The challenge is loving someone when they aren’t acting the way we want them to.

5. Take inventory of our own shortcomings and the work we still need to do.

It’s important to ask ourselves, “If the ‘ideal partner’ showed up right now, would he or she want me?”

None of us is perfect. We all have childhood wounds and heartbreaks from previous relationships. But I’ve found that our willingness and commitment to changing our thought patterns and behaviors can make us available and ready for lasting love.

6. Release expectations.

What would it feel like to stop expecting your partner to be more, better, or different?

Knowing what we want in a relationship is important, but it must be coupled with the desire to ourselves learn how to be a great or even better partner. Rather than looking for that one special person to complete you, look for ways you could love, honor, and accept yourself and others more completely.

To start envisioning what this might look like, write down all the ways you can prepare your heart, body, personality, beliefs, and home for real love—the kind of love you seek and the kind of love your future partner deserves.

~

author: Kate Eckman

Image: Matheus Ferrero/Unsplash

Image: @elephantjournal on Instagram

Editor: Kelsey Michal

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Carol Schurter Aug 12, 2019 5:59am

It was a great article which I truly appreciate along with the various perspectives in the comments. When I was going through a very difficult time in a relationship (lots of hurt, anger, betrayal, etc), it used to infuriate me when people told me I needed to forgive the person who had wronged me on so many levels and for so long. It was not helpful at the time given my emotional state, it truly made me feel worse. I knew in my head it was “the right thing to do” but it was not the right thing for me at that time. I needed to be angry for as long as I needed to be angry, it had to be because that is what I felt and I had to honor that and work through it in my own time. Nothing at that time in my relationship had to do with forgiving. Fast forward to today (years later but its not about the amount of time) and I have forgiven, when I was ready. If you choose not too then it is yours to choose. Please know that it took me a long while to work through my own issues at my own pace; no one can know or understand that but you. I had zero energy left to even entertain the “you must forgive for yourself”; it wasn’t on my radar at that time nor was it appropriate for me at that time, I was so broken that I didn’t care what others thought, it was what it was and I was broken open. It’s what needed to happen. As I sit here today I wish my ex happiness in his life ahead, whatever that means for him. I am no longer seething with anger and hurt, but it took a while and I’m glad it did bc it brought me to today. Honor and respect whatever feelings you have whenever you have them. They suck, they hurt, they make you feel like shit everyday, but know that “this too shall pass”.

Melinda Walton Aug 11, 2019 11:38pm

I really loved this article and is has helped me see the other side of an already insecure blaming game especially the unconditional acceptance as we are all our harshest critics and judge way to much and for too long – I have taken notes to remind myself that there is a way with steps to right our wrongs when we have let ourselves down as it all comes back to the respect and love we have with ourselves .. I will continue on my journey of self care and whilst I am not looking for another to complete me .. he will sidle up to me when I least expect it !

robkim38 Aug 5, 2019 10:47pm

I appreciate your insights and while valid I still couldn’t, in my current situation, my “second chance”, stomach a lot of it. I have done everything you advise, instinctively as a spiritually aware person, to the best of my ability, with the wisdom of past experience and past heartbreak. Unconditionally accepting, forgiving, patient, nurturing, with the forbearance of 100 women, you name it. Sometimes you just have to come to the realization that you are with, at best a self absorbed person, at worst, a narcissist. And the longer you forgive and forbear, see the good in them, the longer you accept abuse. Sometimes it has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with the other person’s inability or unwillingness to live at a higher level and you must realize when you have simply evolved beyond them. Those who prefer barstools (insert escape of choice) to a loving home, because they are just too selfish and immature to appreciate the bliss they have right under their noses, are just not capable of responding to the best love, the purest intent. I have no doubt that this is great insight for the newbies at love and relationships but for those who have weathered this tumultuous sea, more than once, this is a trigger. Abuse, emotional or physical, is abuse and in order to heal you must come to realize your immeasurable worth and your total lack of blame in these situations. Yes, use these valuable tools in your next relationship but with the grace of the universe, choose wisely the next time where you won’t need to put such immense effort into it. Yeah, for sure, forgive and forget the past in order to not carry it with you but for the sake of all that is worth it in this lifetime, choose a partner where love and respect flow as easily as breath. And if that person eludes you for the time being, learn to love your own company enough that when they do come along, it’s just a bonus to your already completely fulfilled life.

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Kate Eckman

Kate  Eckman is a certified executive leadership and confidence coach who asks her clients, “How would your life look if it was lived confidently?”

Through her own work in front of the camera as a TV news anchor and reporter, QVC beauty host, and professional model, Kate learned what it truly means to be confident. (It’s not what you think.) She says, “The truth is, you already have what it takes. You were born with it. You just need to remember what that feels like.”

Kate is the creator and author of The Full Spirit Workout: A 10-Step System to Shed Your Self-Doubt, Strengthen Your Spiritual Core, and Create a Fun & Fulfilling Life, which is a workout for the spirit that will help you get fit on the inside. It’s a series of daily practices that keep our spirits, minds—and selves— open and available to receive abundance, transformation and enlightenment.

Kate also works as a motivational speaker and is the author of the blog, Love Yourself, Love Your Life, sharing inspirational stories about self-confidence, personal development, healthy body image, redefining beauty and success, and creating divine relationships.

She is  a certified Reiki master and online course creator.

Kate earned her executive and organizational coaching certification from Columbia University’s Coaching Certification Program, master’s degree in broadcast journalism from Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism and undergraduate degree in communications from Penn State University where she was an Academic All-American as a member of the women’s swimming and diving team. 

Originally from Cincinnati, she now calls New York City home. You can connect with Kate on her website, Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.