Your past loves (lovers) were not a waste.
They were what and whom you precisely needed at the time to understand and realize what kind of woman or man, what kind of relationship or partnership, you don’t want to have in your life any longer.
Realizing what we don’t want gives us clarity about what we most want or need in our lives and relationships.
Your past loves were precisely what you needed to understand what is unacceptable for you.
What is intolerable.
What behavior, attitude, broken words, and promises never kept don’t resonate with who you are deep down, and thus are intolerable.
Your past loves may be a failure for you. You may see them as your mistakes. Maybe you are still punishing yourself for choosing them at the time.
I have been there so many f*cking times, beating myself up for my past poor choices.
But you know what I have realized lately?
The old me did not know better.
That insecure, shaky in her confidence, desperate, looking for her “prince” kind of girl, she did not know better. She was not mature enough to understand. She just was.
She thought a man would save her from herself and bring meaning to her life.
And she was not accurate in that assumed belief.
That belief was distorted from her childhood emotional traumas that she was trying to heal through a man and a relationship.
So she got precisely those type of men who reminded her of her deepest wounds. She could never get healed while trying desperately to be in a relationship with another human—she could not even understand who she was herself and what she truly wanted and needed.
I understand that you might still feel angry or resentful toward yourself and your past lovers—I don’t want to tell you bullsh*t words like, “Get over it.”
But I would like to tell you from my heart: understand your anger, dive into this anger or rage that you feel. You will discover that your anger is a powerful messenger. It is telling you how you abandoned yourself in order to choose another. How you compromised your values in order to have someone’s love. How you had no clue what boundaries mean and allowed those past lovers to walk all over you without being able to state and voice your needs and also when to say “no” and stand tall while doing so.
I also want you to know this:
Your feelings are valid.
Your thoughts are valid.
Your pain and suffering is valid.
So you better listen to them and mature because of them. Use them to level up. To become more aware of yourself and others.
Understand why they are there, holding tight on you. These feelings won’t let you go until you sit with them and ask them to tell you their story. Oftentimes a story of hurt, of wound, fear, and pain.
Because, my dear, you have abandoned your dear self again, for a him or a her.
No one in this world—even your parents—are worthy of you compromising your being.
It’s not because of them. It is because you are here to thrive, not to suffer.
It’s because it’s about who you are or want to be in this life. It’s not about them. Remember.
They are there to show you and sometimes teach you about who you want or don’t want to be, whom you want to have in your life and whom not, who adds value and inspiration to your existence and who or what diminishes it.
All our human experiences are happening to show or teach us something all the time. They are there to help us shape ourselves and grow healthy boundaries that will help us and others be more honest with each other, rather than being nice and kind when all you feel is scream or cry.
Tell them how your really feel, whether they are able to listen or not.
Stand tall for yourself and say “no” when you mean it.
Build boundaries without isolating yourself. They will keep you sane and will allow another to also be more honest and truthful with you.
You see? People are mirrors in which we see parts of ourselves.
Make the shift or change the distorted thoughts, beliefs, or illusions that you create around them and see yourself naked in front of them.
See what you need to change in order to not have people you don’t want to have in your life.
Correct your thinking friend. Take time to be alone as long as you need to heal your leaking wounds. Hold yourself tight when you are going through tough times.
And begin anew.
Create a new you.
Find meaning in you dreams, aspirations, vision.
Don’t make finding a woman or a man to love your priority. You must begin to build small bridges to yourself, to your core first.
Wanting to build a relationship with another without having a solid foundation within your heart, it’s like bulking castles on the sand. Those relationships will be unstable and will once more reflect your own shaky ground, your own inner instability.
Find your home within your heart, first, friend.
Then you will become wiser and people and things that used to create suffering in you will dissolve or disappear from your life.
And you will be able to stand alone, and because of that a new brand of people will come in your life and you will see how the quality of your relationships has shifted and changed because you were willing to own your own sh*t first. Not only own it, but clean it up by being courageous to face your thought patterns and your wounds without trying to project them or escape from them.
To me, the definition of a warrior human is this: acknowledging and owning your inner shortcomings and being brave to change your inner self so the outer reality can shift for the better and bring you new magical and wonderful experiences, alone or with other people, while you depart and abandon those shores that caused your inner suffering.
A warrior is a human who makes changes accordingly, does not point fingers, own and claims their worth, and moves forward to a new reality of being.