November 23, 2019

Why Sex is a Whole Lot like Escape Rooms.


The most important rules never need to be said and no one wants to play with the guy who isn’t paying attention.

If you read this title and thought:

“Sex is like an escape room because when my time is up someone comes to knock on the door, whether I am finished or not, to tell me that if I want to try again I’m going to have to pay for another hour?”

You’re in the wrong article.

Here is why sex is like an escape room:

No two escape rooms are the same.

The booming industry of escape rooms wouldn’t be nearly as popular if every single one were exactly the same, and if you were to go into any escape room and say:

“The code is hidden over there because that’s where it was in the escape room I did back in Memphis.”

Whoever is in the escape room with you is going to say:

“Well, we aren’t in Memphis, are we? If you wanted to only do the same escape room in Memphis maybe you should have f*cking stayed in Memphis.”

Pounding on the door never got anyone anywhere.

Not only will this not get you anywhere in an escape room, but it will also likely get you kicked out and not invited back under the assumption that you’re either too stupid or brutish to understand that you are in an environment where you actually have to respect the intricacies of a situation and act accordingly.

You can learn skills to help you before visiting an escape room.

If you’re the type of person who does a lot of research on escape rooms and practices exercises at home to hone your skills, it’s likely that you’ll be a lot better no matter what room you wind up in. Of course, you can never know exactly what to expect, but you’ll always have an edge.

Just don’t go ordering your own fake escape room from Japan and playing around in it alone at home.

That’s just weird.

You can become an expert if you pay attention.

The first time you try out a new escape room, you might fail miserably. But if you paid attention and learned from your mistakes, the next time you’ll be better, and better and better, until you are the master of this escape room. You know every clue, every key to turn, every secret lever to pull, and when you finish the escape room, the moderators will fling open the door and say:

“That was incredible! Come back anytime!”

Or even:

“That was the fastest anyone has ever finished!”

…Wait a minute. No, not that.

There are unspoken rules:

While every escape room will have their own particular set of rules, no one feels like they need a list like:

1. Don’t bang on the walls with your fists and scream at the top of your lungs for tacos.

2. Don’t bring a fire-ax to hack your initials into the decorative piano.

3. And hey, while we’re here, just don’t be an asshole, yeah?

And so on.

Basically, just as in sex, you shouldn’t need to be told that some things are inappropriate. It’s just common sense and human decency.

And just as in sex, the most important rules never need to be said:

1. Be safe!

2. Have fun!

3. And don’t forget to come back!

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