Intimacy.

“Into-Me-I-See.”

This first word conjures up images of another. A picture of a happy couple. A marriage. A partnership. A commitment.

Of course, these are more societal and traditional views of intimacy.

Whether raised religious, traditional, or not, there exists an underlying notion that we will all end up with “our person.”

And, underneath that, exists an even more insidious belief, that the value of who we are equates to the successful capture of our mate.

The second word, probably a more made up word, captures the true essence of the meaning. “Into-Me-I-See.”

Into me, I see. We relate in intimate relations the ways in which we normally would hide. We see it all. The good, the bad, the ugly. All is on full display.

Maybe, not at first. Maybe, not at first meeting, second meeting, third, or fourth month in even. We don’t “see” the other clearly. We don’t allow ourselves to be seen fully perhaps too.

We see illusions. We see projections. We see our own expectations. Our own hope and wishes pressed upon this person. We see who we hope them to be, not who they actually are.

Maybe, we see the truth of who they are sooner. Maybe, they show it. They speak it. They communicate it with words or silence.

Either way, the means through which we are receiving a knowing-ness in our gut, in our instincts, in our intuition, no matter how quieted it has been or become, we do get these messages.

Perhaps, the messages counter our first “hit” of this person. Our soul recognition now countered in mis-alignment of their flawed humanness.

I myself, have believed to have met many soul mates in my own life thus far. My soul tells me. My heart proclaims it to be true. I feel the electricity in my nervous system, the pounding in my heart, the pull, and the push.

I suppose these could all be my own instincts too. To stay away. To get out before I can get any closer to seeing the hole in their own truth.

I have listened to both voices. Mostly, the one that tells me, yes, there is a connection here. And, yes, you will learn something.

There is a fainter voice that wonders, “Is this MY person?” A sense of claiming, and ownership and deep attachment in wiring that follows that one. Like, I could somehow lay claim to another.

It’s all very confusing. Intuition. Soul remembrance in another. Instincts.

Whatever, it is, I know there is growth there.

Intimacy wasn’t made for the ones lacking in bravery, or courage, or willingness to go there. To go where they haven’t gone before. Even if it feels like certain death. That utter demise of their own emotional containment in safety is just a breath away.

Intimacy needs trust. It needs willingness. It needs a sense of containment, too. It needs parameters between you and me, my wounds and your own, an understanding that who and what we are is so very, very vulnerable.

There are many ways our progressive society deems intimacy to fall into these days. Monogamy. Polyamory. Open relationships.

Whatever one’s preference and all bias aside, we all have to seek what feels aligned with our own personal truth. No one else’s. Our truth always guides us.

It lets us know what is right for our unique journey. What feels safe and nourishing to our trauma patterns, to our nervous system wiring, to our attachment patterns. What can bring more healing, and less wounding.

That is all we can hope for. That even in the wounding, we can heal. But, to not choose more wounding from a space of self-betrayal, or self-compromise, or self-abandonment.

I have met many people as of late who are claiming their truth to be more in the realm of openness and polyamory, and although, this may or may not in fact be their truth, I am finding it is not my own.

It is enough challenge for my nervous system, my trauma patterning, my distrust, my sensitive heart to be in an engagement with one person, let alone, thoughts of myself or them with another.

For each person, it is different. And sometimes, we meet people who have differing truths, in order to discover and claim our own truth, even if it counters theirs.

Truth is the guiding light home. It guides us deeper into intimacy with self. The deeper desire underneath union with another.

We all have been fed many mis-truths about intimacy. That it is strictly between a man and a woman. That is made in marriage. That it is made only in sexual relations.

Most of us, by now, are open and countering the mis-truths in these beliefs.

So, perhaps, in steering our own ship, we ended up on the other side of tradition. That openness became the place to free ourselves from imprisonment of bondage.

But, there is a lovely space between, in safety and sanctity of two truths aligning, two value systems coming together as one. But, until we know and can live our own truth, we will most likely keep brushing up against others’ counter or more expansive or limiting truths, mistaking them for our own.

Soul connections ignite a ripple effect of lessons. They stir the pot of our inner intimacy issues with all the inner unknown.

I have met many “failed” soulmate encounters, where union did not, in fact happen. Not even close. These were gut wrenching, heart breaking experiences, a sense of deeper shattering of my attachments and beliefs.

These deemed detours to relationships that don’t “succeed” are what is needed to find deeper intimacy. To ask the deeper questions of self, the ones we would otherwise have avoided in illusion and projection land.

Finding our truth isn’t pretty. It isn’t easy. And, claiming it, isn’t easier either. Nor, is heeding it.

We relate to everything. To self. To other. To hidden selves. To mis-truths. To mis-steps. To setbacks. To mis-alignments. All of this, to find the deeper alignment.

To ask the deeper questions of self, “What is needed here for YOU, my dear to feel safe? What is needed here for you to feel held? What is needed here for you to feel respected and valued? What is needed here for you to feel worthy and lovable?”

Perhaps, in the questioning, we will find our truth, maybe an unexpected one. Maybe, a more traditional one of love and relationship. Maybe, a more non-progressive one, when we’ve thought ourselves to be so expansive, rebellious and progressive.

Monogamy isn’t for everyone. Neither is polyamory. Neither is other non-choices, like single hood. But, in single hood we do have a choice. To see our meetings of another as another message, another hint pointing to where we need to get more intimate with the self first.

Where we need to lean into ourselves a little bit more. Even in the muddiness, the moodiness, the disappointment, the letdowns, we can allow ourselves more space to discover.

Who we are. What we need. What our innocence needs to feel safe, protected, valued and loved.

It may not match another’s, and that’s okay. It may mean intimacy with said person is not wise, and that’s okay. It may mean another lesson, and that’s okay too.

Intimacy.

“Into-Me-I-See.”

All of me.

The deemed good, the bad, the ugly, the hidden parts of me, I would have otherwise not seen.

Maybe, right now, the journey isn’t about intimacy with another. Maybe, it hasn’t been for some time. Maybe, it’s been more about the “dirty” work. The internal mitigation of all the mis-truths. To find the truth. The personal truth.

This intimacy needs patience. It needs time. It needs lots and lots of forgiveness. It needs grace. It needs kindness. It needs a whole heck of a lot of, compassion.

We can only lean into what is here. Whether ourselves, or in relation to another. And, perhaps, both. But, let the questions lay gently on the heart, let the words of truth find us in the devastation, let the softness and safety of our own intimate embrace be the one we turn to first, even when it feels counter to all we’ve been taught.

There is great rebellion there. There is great healing to be had here.

To get more intimate with the parts of us deemed unworthy. The flaws, the needs, the cravings, the longings, the protectiveness, the vulnerabilities, the edges.

Lean into yourself. Lean in, just a little more.