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February 16, 2020

On the days I miss the numbness

Do I miss partying?

Honestly, no – because I can dress up & get on the dance floor with a red bull or mocktail in my hand & killl it dancing and have an absolute blast.

But what I do miss at times – is the “escape”
What I miss is the ability I had to CHECK THE F OUT.

Shew. Feeling is HARD. SO HARD & when you avoided it for years – dude, there’s a lot of feeling waiting for you.

Today, I show up & you can see it on my face
Today, you can text and know, if you know me, if I’m in my feels
Today, I get rattled by something & I gotta hit the gym or journal or write or something
Today, I gotta adddresssss allllllll this
Today, I show up everyday & have no idea what’s going to rattle me, love me, or speak to me
Today, I don’t smoke, drink, snort pills
Today, I show up in all the feels
Today, I FEEEL & it’s hella hard & beautiful and the legit hardest thing I’ve ever done.
For years – I numbed & due to that I have had years of hard healing feeling work to do

I don’t miss partying …. some days I miss avoiding and running & that’s my truth
But this woman won’t pick up a cigarette again because of how freaking hard it was to quit, just like this woman also won’t choose drinking again until I know it’s something I can do in a healthy way.

Feeling has changed the woman I am completely.

In these past few years of doing this sober lifestyle thing I have felt emotions in a way that I can honestly say I have never felt in my entire life & in a capacity that has rocked me to my core.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to drink again- that also carries a weird feeling but I also know That the people that love me most saw changes and we’re proud and honor this lifestyle I have chosen because they now get me, all of me, no sugar coating.

So, if I show up in all my feels tell me your proud of me, if I’m angry and get short ask me what is up & if I’m in my “stuff”, if I love on you know that it’s so very intentional and authentic and something I feel to my core, if I engage with you know there is no “high” but the high my soul feels from connecting with you

& if I tell you “I feel some type of way” tell me “good – your suppose to.”

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