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February 10, 2020

“You should be Grateful”

I get sick to my stomach looking at this photo.

I feel Rage
I feel Shame
I feel massive sadness
I feel so upset with my 20 year old self that she felt this was all she was worthy of
& I am so broken hearted that so many women and young girls think that “I’m sorry” in the form of gift cards, lingerie, presents & jewelry makes up for abuse

We have created a society that wants these epic relationship photos on social media & to play the part in person & behind close doors have abusive story lines full of power & control, fighting & SO MUCH PAIN.

Gifts don’t always come just due to kindness & love & days such as Valentine’s Day

They also follow holes in doors where angry feet have bashed as once again you did everything wrong & probably we’re cheating on them, being yelled at by the top of someone else’s lungs, being left for days with no reason why & not spoken to or responded too and left pregnant broken & alone, they are a result of photos surfacing of party after girl and another girl followed by drunken texts and calls coming through, they are after being manipulated & verbally and emotionally abused & they come as an attempt to mask all someone has done to you.

I remember the exact outfit I was wearing – I had come back to my college city after being home for a doctors visit being just a few months pregnant- I remember my shirt clinging for the first time making my bump known – it was a pink long sketched tight fitted v neck shirt and I was rocking these black very comfortable sweatpants to try to still get away with no maternity clothes.

There was a big fight.

I was told I was a crazy bitch. I was always wanting something from him. I was a nagging whore. I was stupid for thinking we would do anything. I shouldn’t have just come back expecting anything. He was mia as usual.

I cried more during my pregnancy this I think I’ve cried in my life.

A friend took me to get my nails done and treated me because I couldn’t slightly even figure out what I had done & had walked into our apartment on Valentine’s Day to celebrate with no one, so we went and spent that time us girls as I constantly tried to see if something would pop up on my phone.

Fight. Fight. Fight.

…. then this.
I was told “I should be grateful”

It makes me cringe.

I posted this on social media – I texted my friends.

“Look what he did”

Everyone knew the truth.
I didn’t want to believe it.

I also cringe at what I felt I had to always give him.

He took so much from me.
I gave him so much of me.

Valentine’s Day is a beautiful day.
But not everything is what it seems.

Check in on your people
Choose to have the conversations that matter
Choose to ask how they feel, how they are treated, do they find joy, safety, and support in their partnerships?
Ask them if they are still pursuing their joys & their passions and their dreams?
Ask them about HOW THEY ARE instead of asking all about their partner

Ask. Ask. Ask
& provide space for honesty
& be prepared to love them even if they stay

The amount of gifts I received due to pain inflicted on my body & soul & heart is far too many.

I now see this … and I cry and want to hug the woman behind the phone taking this photo knowing that she is in such a broken place & wanting it to appear as happy as every other Valentine’s Day post on her social media feed … but what she didn’t want the world to know is what she went through on a daily basis for fake roses to be thrown on the floor of her apartment where so much pain took place.

You are worthy of a love that doesn’t hurt in any shape or form.

No gift can ever take the place of your emotional, mental & physical safety & well being.

Jaydee, you figure it out love.
You do & you begin to heal and step into your power, use your voice, and use moments like these that hurt all of you to not only love on your healing self but other women as well.

Sending love,
The Soul Grind

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