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March 25, 2020

An Open Letter to my Next Husband—What will be Different this time.

 

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Get in line kings of men, this is the new kind of wife I’m going to be!

Yes. I do want to get married again even though the first one was intense, to say the least—the living in it, the leaving it, and the years of healing from it. But, even in the face of all the pain that was generated, I want to try again. I am the kind of girl who wants to get it right.

I have spent the last four years reconnecting to my natural, glowing self, and now I want to experience partnership in an entirely new way—with clear eyes, an open and healed heart, and my sparkling soul. I’m freaking excited about it!

I want a partner who sees me, and I want to be a partner who shows up. We might like to take road trips across countries and camp and build fires. We might like to hold hands walking through the airport excitedly, or ride in a taxi at night wearing scarves and hats. I will pick the Airbnb that he prefers. I will have his favorite cozy man-robe in my bag and he will ask me to wear it instead. We might like to laugh and be dorky, and then be quiet together. You know what I’m talking about.

He will say this is my person and I will say I am his, under the stars and the sun, with all the faith in the world.

We will be a family and share life experiences together.

I want to travel and write and order room service forever. (Okay wait, I think that’s a line from my favorite movie Tombstone.)

Nevertheless, knowing what I now know and being the woman I am today—fully understanding words like love, compassion, ease, assume, expectation, support, communication, and the most important term self-care—I will be an amazing wife. This time.

Calvin and Hobbs said it best:

I will take care of myself for you and you will take care of yourself for me.

Now, I take time for my yoga so I can reconnect to myself and in turn to him and the world around us. I am living in a solid reality with myself and therefore with him.

I honor him with my self-care and he honors me with his. I am good at it because every day I check in with myself and my body. I sleep when I am tired and embrace that it may look different for both of us. We will not judge the way we care for ourselves. Judgment does not have a place in our home.

What is a priority in our home?

  1. Honesty and bravery.
  2. Romance and fun!
  3. Listening, going slow, devouring life.
  4. Plans with flexibility.
  5. Balance and simplicity.
  6. Sunrise, sunset, and loving all the rainy moments in between.
  7. Green grass in our toes and sand on our bums.
  8. Wind in our hair and trees hugged.
  9. Stars wished upon and hands held.
  10. Kisses and love shared.

I will love my man, fully embracing his faults. If I see him struggle and fail on a task, I will offer a listening ear, comforting hug, and forehead kisses. When he peels his wet face from my neck, I will offer to cook him something to nourish his spent body. I will give him space to replenish his soul and motivation. I will not rush him or expect things to be anything other than what they are. Period.

If he asks me for help or advice, I will happily share my thoughts on what he can choose to do. I will say things like “take your time deciding, it’s whatever is best for you that we want.

I will recognize that we cannot assume to know what another person wants, feels, or thinks. I will not expect him to know my needs or even his own, until he does. When I am asked what I want, I will take the time to think about it and then reply.

I will be supportive of the things I agree with, and say words of encouragement, but I won’t be silent or passive-aggressive about the things I do not agree with. I will not be quiet or sullenly pout while he hurts himself or others—including me. I will say things like “yes I think you can do it,” or “can I tell you why that’s not working for me?”

I will be happy and able to do all of these things because my next husband and I will be good communicators. I will listen and try not to interrupt. When he is talking I am not on my phone but being fully present for him, and us. I will honor the beautiful thing called compromise, which I think of now as flowing with another. I will not give in and resent him for my failure to self-advocate. I will remember that many things are perfect despite their imperfections, including us. I will go my way and I will put me first.

You do you boo, I’m doing me—this is our mantra and we love it!

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