Stuck inside together?
So, the world has turned upside down, and you’re stuck in your house with your partner for an indefinite period of time.
It could be a dream come true. It could spell doom for your sex life. What to do?
Quarantine will inevitably create friction in your relationship. Whether that is the irritating, frustrating kind of friction or the sexy, exciting kind of friction is up to you.
You can make quarantine the sexiest, most vibrantly alive time of your entire relationship, but you are going to need to put some intention into it.
I’ve got you covered. Put the Netflix and chips aside.
Here are five ways you can cultivate a fantastic sex life with your partner:
1. Decide to use this time to practice your intimacy skills.
The first step is to decide that you want to use your time in quarantine to deepen your intimacy.
You don’t have to. There are a lot of other ways you could be using your time and attention.
But if you want to actively commit to using this time to become a better lover, your work starts here. Set an intention for yourself.
>> How do you want to grow and improve?
>> How do you want your relationship to grow during this time?
>> What skill gaps do you have when it comes to love and sex?
>> What support do you need?
I recommend giving yourself at least 20 minutes to journal on these questions before you dive in to practice.
2. Set aside time to practice.
If you were aiming to become a world-class athlete, you wouldn’t just set the intention and hope for the best, would you? If you wanted to master the cello, would you just pick up a bow and hope for the best?
No. You would set aside daily time to practice your skills, try new methods, and learn.
The same is true of your relationship and your sexuality. You need the discipline and dedication of both the athlete and the musician. Sex, after all, invokes a creative process.
You need to spend dedicated time honing your skills in order to see improvement.
What does this look like when it comes to sex and love?
Aim to have a “date” set aside. For example, this can be every afternoon at 4 p.m., or three times a week, or 90 minutes on Sunday morning.
Once you decide when your “date” is, protect that time like it is sacred. Because it is.
3. Prepare for your “date.”
Even if you are living together, find a little space for yourself before your “date.” Do something that drops you from your mind into your body. That might be dance, an intense HIIT class, yoga, self-massage, and so on.
The language of intimacy is sensation in the body.
To feel intimate and close, you need to be in touch with the feelings in your own body.
Focus on your breathing. Can you do deep, long breaths? That will help you open up to the moment and to your partner. Often when we’re stressed, we breathe shallowly, which makes it harder to feel our partner.
If you like to shower before sexy stuff, go ahead and do that now.
4. On the date, play intimacy games.
You’re showered, in your body, breathing deeply, ready to go.
I love creating sexy “games” for my clients to help them get to know each other’s pleasure and desires.
An easy example is the “This or That” game.
Here’s how it goes:
One person is the “Giver” and the other is the “Receiver.”
The “Giver” does two different types of touch on the other person’s body—maybe a gentle massage and then light scratching—while asking, “Do you like this…or that?”
The “Receiver” responds with their favorite.
Continue for 15 minutes, and then switch roles.
This game gives both people incredible insight into each other’s pleasure and hot zones.
This is just one example game of the dozens that I create for my clients, depending on their unique situation. This is where you can be creative and experiment. What do you want to explore?
5. Debrief your date.
After you’re done, talk about your date and what you learned, using these prompts:
>> “What I really loved about that was…”
>> “Next time, I’m eager to explore…”
Even if the date felt awkward or clunky (which it does sometimes!), these prompts help you find something valuable and wonderful about the experience.
Remember, you have another date coming up soon. You don’t have to get it all perfect on the first try. This is about intimacy and connection, both with yourself and with your partner.
My intimacy philosophy:
Build on what’s working well, and grow from there.