Do you ever find yourself thinking how many different “personalities” you can have?
Well, I do.
I astonish myself with how sweet, bubbly, understanding, and warm I can be. But under certain circumstances, I change and became someone I don’t like being.
I become the complete opposite of my usual self. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I don’t recognize myself.
It’s like a shadow comes over me, exposing the dark side of myself.
I’ve started trying to analyze what happens to make me feel like this, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the few times it has occurred, I was kind of lost—okay, let’s get real, very lost. I didn’t know what to do with my life, and it felt like every single decision I made was wrong. This made me so anxious, I couldn’t even sleep.
I questioned everything, including my stay in Dubai.
I was super sensitive, with way too much energy flowing in both my body and my brain, not knowing exactly how to manage it.
It seemed so strong; I couldn’t really contain it and got desperate trying to get it out of my system.
I felt permanently wired to electricity, but so tired at the same time and unable to rest and sleep. My friends were all on vacation at the time, and I felt lonely.
For the first time in my life, I thought I was going crazy. I thought I was losing my grip.
I couldn’t focus on anything except that horrible flow of energy feeling so different from the one I was used to. I was in a bad mood and a bad place, which I couldn’t recognize or crawl out of.
This feeling was completely new to me.
Everything bothered me, and I’m a really easygoing person. My mind was so heavy. That was not me and I didn’t know what to do. I was rock bottom, in my own way.
As time went by though, I could feel this dark cloud of mine passing, too. And I was starting to feel better.
As my friends returned from vacation, I could feel myself settling back into my routine. I was falling back into place as well. Everything in me started slowing down.
Then I met someone. Then I had a heartbreak. Then I recovered.
I dedicated the remainder of the year to picking up the pieces and processing a whole year of adventures, but not much progress. As I worked through this, the new year rolled in and I promised myself that I would leave the prior year exactly where it was—in the past.
When I came to terms with this decision, it seemed that everything was just as it should be. And I could finally take a deep breath because I felt like me again.
I started writing my blog and posting more to my Facebook page—not to gain followers or likes (I was never much into social media), but because I needed to “say out loud” whatever I was thinking and feeling.
It became my way of speaking to the world.
I’m happy to be back to my usual bubbly, easygoing personality. I’m finally laughing again, and believe in a bright future, with or without a Prince Charming. My future is mine, no matter what.
Getting here was easier said than done, and sometimes we’re not able to see our future in such a bright way just because we wish we could. Sometimes something pulls us down and we lack the strength to see and think beyond these feelings. But I can tell you—those feelings will go away.
Don’t let them eat at you. But do embrace them. We are humans, not robots.
We are made of emotions and they can either take us to an ecstatic heaven or a fiery hell. They are both part of us. That’s what my dark side taught me. It showed me the full reality of me. And now I know what I’m capable of, both in a good and a bad way. From now on, it’s my choice and I feel much more conscious of who I want to be.
Had I not gone through it, I would still not know that side of me. And getting to know the worst of me has actually made me value the best of me.