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June 27, 2020

What is a “Soulmate” Anyways?—5 Questions that Show us What we Truly Want in a Relationship.

During this lockdown, our emotions and tempers can run high.

The stress of being in the same place for longer than normal periods can cause stress on relationships or renew and strengthen their foundations.

I came home to my mates, Rhiannon and Donald, in a heated argument. Being friends for as long as we all have been, they dragged me into it. It was the age-old argument that I have heard from them for at least over a year now.

These two have been close to a divorce for the past year. And when I say close, I mean they have filed the paperwork and are in the waiting period. But, I think there is something still there between them—no one fights that fiercely for nothing, right?

On this day, one of them mentioned the word “soulmate,” and it got me thinking.

I came up with five questions to dive deeper into what their ideas of a soulmate were—what it meant to them.

I questioned them separately (this created a break from the argument and some time for self-reflection).

Here are my five relationship questions to help understand what you want in a soulmate (or what that even means):

1. What words would you use to describe your soulmate?
2. How do you see yourself and your soulmate running the household?
3. What outside of the house hobbies or activities do you see you and your soulmate doing together?
4. In 10 years, life is as full as it can be with your soulmate, what kind of dream vacation do you see both of you taking?
5. When I say the word soulmate, what is the first image that comes to mind?

As you can imagine, their answers were quite different (names were changed for privacy reasons):

Rhiannon:

1. Connection, lover, best friend

2. All the handy work, and car work

3. Church activities

4. Hawaii, boat, plane, beach

5. Angel, Donald

Donald: 

1. Lover, best friend

2. Share chores, keeping the house clean

3. Encourage outside interest, live concerts

4. Crossing the Rocky Mountains by car

5. God, god-given

I reread each question giving them both their answers. Then, taking it a step further, I started explaining how the answers were their ideas of “perfect” but reminding them of their current situation.

How can they apply these ideas to right now, creating these characteristics and actions, turning them into habits?

That collaboration took a while, but they came to some good ideas to start with. You can imagine that the dream vacations are not going to happen this year, so the agreement is to stay in a bungalow at the lake. A great compromise of mountains and water, I think.

I sat there as they talked it over and then went back to arguing. At that moment, I realized I had not changed their perspective of the argument, and that was sad. But, I was smiling because at least they now had an idea of what they want in their relationship.

I told them they are more than the ideas of their arguments, and encouraged them to forgive if they can and stop letting those issues define their relationship, and those faults define them as people.

Ask yourself these questions, even if you are not in a relationship. You can get to know yourself better. Add your answers to a vision board and see what happens.

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