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August 8, 2020

I’m Choosing Me—How I’m Healing my Inner Child.

I have always been a sensitive human being who feels things deeply and is able to sense the energy of other people and situations around me.

Due to emotional wounds and trauma, I have always felt the need to serve others at the expense of my own well-being. For many years, I was not living my life for myself and was always seeking to make others happy instead.

Although it does bring me a sense of purpose and satisfaction to help lift others up or lighten their load, I have been dragged down by those who breach my boundaries in service of their own ego and interests. I have struggled to set boundaries with others in my life due to fears of upsetting others, ruffling feathers, and tipping the balance of life.

Women are raised to serve others, to be graceful, and to be a “good girl,” but the older I become, the more I realize that this ingrained and implicit societal belief is rooted in patriarchal oppression and manipulation.

I have devoted most of my life to romantic relationships, acting upon my inner abandonment wounds to build connections and cultivate love—yet instead, I ended up giving all of my heart and soul to my partner while accepting much less than I desire.

I know how common this is and that each relationship is here to teach us about ourselves. I have also witnessed relationships around me and have recognized the unhealthy patterns which long-term relationships often fall into.

I do not want to rush into another unhealthy attachment just because societal standards of heteronormativity deem relationships, marriage, and procreation as a linear and traditional concept.

After everything I have been through, I do not want to fall back into old patterns and I want to dive deeper to heal my wounds so that I will one day be able to contribute to a healthy and equal partnership.

Intriguingly, I know that in many spiritual communities and conscious relationship courses, the importance of “holding space” for others is foundational—yet I find some people take that saying and run with it to the hills as a way to manipulate others.

What if all you have done is constantly hold space for others? What if you have lost count of all the pain, baggage, wounds, and problems you have held for others until your body and soul screams at you?

Sometimes there is no amount of breath work, meditation, crystals, sage, or spiritual treatment modalities that can wake you up and dissuade egocentrism if you are unwilling to acknowledge your wounds, put in the work, emanate grace, and face it on your own.

Someone once asked in a group conversation if I was referring to “my other half” and I responded, “No, I am actually my whole self”—which felt great to say.

For me, I have had to learn how to speak up for myself, use my voice, set boundaries, communicate my needs, let go of fear, honor myself, demand respect, and relinquish responsibility for other people and their problems.

Recently, I have felt a powerful calling to listen to and honor my inner intuition after stepping away from a partnership that was draining me mentally, physically, and spiritually, and I feel my intuition is stronger than ever after honoring myself in the highest way possible.

I have trusted spiritual teachers to guide me along my journey and have realized it is important to do what your soul desires the most and not do things out of obligation for others.

I am still learning, healing, and growing, and I have realized that for a long time my heart and mind were at war with each other—but that it is the true essence of my soul which must be healed, nurtured, protected, and permitted to thrive and prevail above all else as my soul will never lead me astray.

Meanwhile, as much as it is important to protect my heart, it is equally as important to keep my heart open and connect with others genuinely as friends and human beings.

It is necessary and okay to return to yourself again—without the urgency to satisfy everyone else.

Heal your inner child, release the pain, and follow your heart while remaining one with your soul.

~

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