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September 9, 2020

7 Unattractive Traits that Drive Men (& Everybody Else) Away.

*Editor’s Note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal views of the authors, and can not possibly reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here.

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“If only he would change.”

It’s the classic excuse used by many and loved by none. All too often, we seem readily on the mark to blame our ex-boyfriend, and our three ex-boyfriends previous, for our breakups. Our tendencies are to avoid sideswipes by keenly voicing all of their faults, and overlooking our own.

Throughout life, for the most part, we get what we give. So, if we have a track record of disappointment over love, then now’s the time to ask ourselves if our habits are supporting the life we want, and the partner we want to magnetize.

If it isn’t the consequences of our own actions…

Perhaps we’re barking up the wrong tree by blaming our exes for our breakups; if somebody needs to change, it has to be us—because we’re the only person we can control in this game of life.

If we want to get better, then we have to be better.

Being the sophisticated optimists we are, it’s time to turn our attention inward and see if we cohabit with any of these devilish traits that are the main causes of relationship flops. It’s time to reeducate, drop our drama and our pity parties, and allow ourselves to bathe in the sea of irresistibility within us. Whether we have relationship issues or not, there’s always room for improvement, baby doll.

Seven ultimate man-repelling habits and how to get rid of them:

Nagging

We’ve all met women who are notorious naggers, driving themselves to ruin and their man to insanity. Nagging is one of the biggest causes of breakups; therefore, I’ve put it at the head of the list as the biggest man-repelling trait.

As women, we commonly nag when we feel ignored or underappreciated, usually stemming from a collection of trivial annoyances and fault-finding piled on top of one another. Nagging lives in the realm of critical, selfish, negative, and controlling behaviour, and it often feels like it will make him realise or change, but it mistakenly maximises problems by focusing on them.

The key is to understand that men are “as-is” products, and we need to love them or leave them—they will certainly leave us if we’re a master nagger because nobody is enthralled to be around a nag telling them they’re not that great.

Try bragging instead of nagging by looking at what qualities we do have in our companion, giving some honest appreciation for what we do like about him—because when we look for the good, more of it appears.

Insecurity

We can be so pretty that we make people want to cry, but if we lack self-worth and self-esteem, reflected in a “less than” mentality, our compelling attraction dissolves like a sun lolly in the heat.

Voicing or thinking thoughts like “Am I good enough for you?” “Do you think she is prettier than me?” or “He’s going to cheat on me because I’m not as talented/sexy/smart/whatever as other women” are serious recipes to repel because our thoughts are worn just like clothes. That T-shirt says, “I think I’m lacking in qualities and believe I’m not good enough;” consequently, he just lost his hard-on.

I could lay in the sun all day and tell you all the beautiful things about yourself to marvel at, but the first step is to stop being hard on ourselves. Self-doubt can show up however amazing we are—it’s part of our human nature—but there are ways we can shrink insecure notions.

Again and always: it’s an inside job. Try exercising self-discipline when insecure thoughts come around, by not feeding them the fuel they need to burn us. Notice insecure thoughts and make the decision not to take them personally, and move on with the day.

If we give our energy to these thoughts, we maximise them tenfold, so we can choose to obsess negatively, or invest our attention somewhere positive and maximise that. I’m going with the latter. The good news is that the more we ignore these thoughts, the less they’ll show up.

Neediness

Neediness is reflected in obsessive calling, texting, incessantly checking social media, silently stalking, wanting constant affirmation, making irrational demands, giving silent (or not-so-silent) treatment—I think you get the gist.

The dictionary describes needy as “poverty-stricken; impoverished; extremely poor or destitute”—that is anything but attractive, and it’s effectively going to turn him and everyone else off.

Neediness stems from desperation and a false idea that a relationship will save us, which is wrong on so many levels. It drains us, hanging over all of our power, because our happiness is at the peril of somebody else’s actions. Don’t be a powerless woman; let’s get that power back by the balls and harness that sh*t.

Our happiness is forever up to us to create, induce, and control. Let’s discover who we are, what we like to do, where we are going, and start pursuing it. Let’s be like a mountain in our relationships—stable and strong, and regardless of what comes our way, we don’t need to cling to our date for dear life, because we’re grounded in our own lives.

Bitterness

This fiend comes from repressed anger and the belief that life, men, or whoever, has wronged us.

Have you ever noticed how a dark cloud looms when we’re in the vicinity of a bitter person? They lug around the past and harbour hurt for months, even years. Anger continuously bubbles just beneath the surface, and the smallest comment can cause an eruption, opening a can of 10,000 worms, arguments, and complaint fests.

It’s self-explanatory why this trait repels men though, if we see this in ourselves, don’t despair because there are ways to change. Instead of playing the victim, we can become the protagonist by dropping the big bag of woes off on the curb and not looking back. Unfavourable affairs happen to us all, the difference lies in our response to them.

Let’s put on our positive pants every day because life becomes one million times more enjoyable when we free ourselves from the past. Let’s face it, the past is just a collection of memories—it doesn’t even exist anymore.

Critical Attitude

Handing out critical comments on a platter isn’t going to win us any friends, fans, or boyfriends. It causes disagreements, makes people dislike us, and casts us in the light of being jealous and insecure, which usually is the epicentre of critical observations.

One who feels the need to highlight flaws in people isn’t exactly desirable; people are just going to want to move to a more pleasurable environment where they feel supported and appreciated.

A snake can shed its skin but it’s still a snake. In the same way, this trait is not really tweak-able—we have to disown it. Practice thinking before speaking, with an understanding of others’ points of view. Remember that words are like a double-edged sword; they can build or destroy, just as readily.

Being boring in bed

Controversial, maybe, but despite the fact that few admit to it, boring sex is a frequent cause of dead-end relationships. A mundane “let’s get it over with” attitude is an instant turnoff.

Sex is one of the most indulgent experiences of life. It can make our eyes roll with bliss and guide us up the primrose path to orgasmic pleasure. It’s one of the most thrilling things for us to share with a loved one and is the strongest stimuli (aside from love) for human motives.

Regardless of cozy comfort zones, one position wonders, and cultural conditioning that labels sex as “bad” or “dirty,” it will always be a key component to our relationship satisfaction. Therefore, it’s time to face ourselves if we’re holding back in the bedroom.

Monotonous sex habits come from a place of fear—fear of looking stupid, being rejected, or from insecurities about how we look doing it. The only remedy is to have faith that livening things up will bring joy, irresistibility, playfulness, and damn good orgasms into our lives.

When fear creeps in, kick it off the bed and continue being the naughty fox that you are, practice makes the master. Books and blogs are helpful to learn from. I’m not suggesting that we start starring as “the slut,” just some subtle extra efforts. Our sexuality is one of our biggest powers—let’s use it.

Entitlement

Believing oneself to be inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment is selfishness mixed with a destructive ego. It’s found in the form of an expectant attitude with a feeling of superiority over our partner and the desire to get without giving.

Everything worth having in life—whether it’s a relationship, experiences, material things, or mindsets—has a price (not necessarily in dollars). We cannot expect something for nothing, and if we do, perhaps it’s time to detox our ego.

Let’s tame entitlement and transform it into sparkly self-worth. It’s splendid to aim high and experience the best of what life has to offer; living a full and happy life is the best way to honour our creator. But let’s refrain from depleting life and people’s energies, by giving back in return.

Inspiration, love, appreciation, joy, guidance, work, or time are all worthy ways to give. I believe that when we’re truly in love, all we want to do is give anyway—the labor of love indeed is one of life’s prized riches.

If you see any of these traits in yourself, firstly acknowledge them, but stop yourself from judging. A good method I’ve found is to decide to adopt new habits, commit to them, forgive yourself if you break, recommit, and go with the idea that nothing will stop you—because if you’re persistent, nothing will.

It’s funny how we can outgrow tendencies we once thought we couldn’t stop ourselves from doing.

There’s a never-ending rainbow of reasons for us to enjoy life. Take a moment to be proud of yours so far. Kick these unfulfilling habits that aren’t bringing positivity into your life, free up your mind for opportunities, and you’ll see yourself start to embrace life more and glow like the golden sunflower you are.

And guess what, a juicy, ripe, luminous flower like that, attracts all the bees—you got this, honey.

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A worthwhile relephant read: Dear Needy Girl.
And: Dear Men who Love Women, Please Hear Me Out.

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