September 19, 2020

How to Tell if you’re in a Conscious & Healthy Relationship (or a Codependent One).

Lately, the conversations at our house have been about relationships. 

My 10-year-old daughter is way ahead of her time—even ahead of my time. She is already asking questions that I’m just finding the answers to (at 38).

One moment, I just want her to keep playing with her stuffed animals and Barbie, not thinking of all these questions. The next moment, I want to sit her down with a cup of tea (or our favorite hot chocolate) and talk the entire night about anything and everything in the universe. Oh, the dilemmas of a mom and a preteen.

What is most on her mind these days is: 

“When will my BFF stop being my BFF?”

“Do people need to have romantic relationships in their lives?”

“Is it okay for me never to fall in love?”

How can I answer all these when I’m still discovering my own perspective on relationships? As I’ve gotten older—burned my fingers one too many times on relationships—I’ve started trusting fewer. (And even those were “probationary” relationships.) 

But as my 10-year-old continues with her daily questions on life (and now relationships), I am now reevaluating what I have been programmed (yup) to think and feel about relationships and interpersonal relations of all kinds.

My dad has always told me, “We come into this world alone, and we leave alone.” But is this true? Are we destined to be alone, or are we in need of each other?

We are all born from a woman’s womb. From the minute we are created, we continuously have another heart beating with us. So, we are never alone—in form or in spirit.

But, I have still yet to witness these perfect relationships, communities, and families—ones that do not hurt (that much) or last forever. (Maybe forever is not the goal?)

Long story short, the discussion of relationships is still ongoing. 

Here are some of my thoughts:

All relationships are temporary (except that one).  

My relationship with my daughter is temporary because one day she will have her own path to follow; she will be in the lead. 

My relationship with my son is temporary; he will have his dreams to bring to life and live for one day. 

My relationship with my mom is temporary; she left for home before I could thank her for the lessons she gave me and the sacrifices she made. (I remembered all too late to tell her.) 

My relationship with my dad is temporary; he is now finally following his path of joy after giving me the strength to rise once againafter all the hurts I have lived. 

My relationship with my brother is temporary; he is now on his own way to greatness, remembering who he is and what he is here for. 

My relationship with my family is temporary; we chose to love and care for each other from a distance. Our lives and callings brought us to different countries. 

My relationships with my lovers are temporary; they made me remember my value and reminded me how to love unconditionally. Also, when it all seemed pointless, I know they are their own lessons and truths. 

My relationships with my friends are temporary; they all came into my life at the right time to fill me with joy, laughter, strength and make me remember who I am, but then they also have their own paths. 

My relationships with the people I’m here to inspire and help are temporary. I’m only a small blip in their livesa divine push toward consciousness and greatness. 

My relationship with my own human is temporary; she is the most naïve, gullible, loving, badass mama (bless her heart), but she has now realized that she is more than that. 

My relationship with my soul is forever!

So, if I had let you go in the past, it was a part of our journey—to be, learn, and love unconditionally, even when we no longer could grow with each other. 

It might seem like I am breaking up with everyone in my life, advocating for a solo life, but not exactly. I have chosen to become more conscious about who is in my life. And I wish for us all to take more responsibility for our own relationships—stay aware and conscious. Only then can we love wholeheartedly, with passion and full power.

The future: conscious relationships

Relationships come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. But how do we know which relationship is which?

I am still working on a bulletproof answer to this question, but I do know this:

I am in need of relationships and connection when:

>> I am taking a break from work and needing some sensations and human fun (dancing, laughing, working in the garden, and swimming in the ocean).

>> I have something to share with the world for everyone’s higher good; I want others to participate in cocreating.

I do not need relationships when:

>> I feel lonely, abandoned, and depleted of all human contact. Often in these stages, when we are actually doing our inner work of healing, we might try to run.

>> I am in need of intimacy with another person. (This is a sign of being codependent.)

>> I just got dumped—friend, romantic partner, or family member.

>> I am tired and exhausted; I don’t want others to be affected by my lower vibes.

It’s not about being alone when we need each other the most; it’s about making sure we’re not running from inner work that can only be done on our own.

And for me, it is still a work in progress to understand the difference.

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