September 27, 2020

Taking my Power Back: How I Learned this the Hard Way in an Ayahuasca Ceremony.


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We give our power away when we put others on pedestals.

I recently told a woman about my traumatizing medicine experience, and she said something that rang true. She said that we give away our power so that we don’t have to own the hard choices we make, or the big failures we go through.

I have seen how people often put medicine people, shamans, or healers above others as if they are special or holier than us.

We are all simply human—no matter how special someone thinks we are (even if we think this about ourselves), no matter what we do. And I saw firsthand how those so-called “special” people can disappoint.

When we give away our power, we set ourselves up for failures and big disappointments—we get to know that no one is above or below us. We are all humans on this journey—messy and imperfect. We’re also powerful, creative, divine, and capable of healing.

We are all things in the light and in the dark. But no one is better than anyone else, and with that understanding, we can take our power back.

I learned through the medicine and trauma ceremony I attended that I am empowered and I get to listen to my intuition with faith. I have (as do you) strong gifts of knowing and connecting to my intuition, but recently, mine was easily swayed when people spoke pretty words.

What I know now is that I need to listen to my first instinct—however primal or judgmental it may seem—because she has proven to be right time and again.

That indescribable feeling we get when we meet other people means something. For whatever reason, the feeling is there, and it has perhaps come through to deter us from getting close to that person or situation, at least for that moment.

For so long, I judged myself for judging others and situations. I would get in my head and wonder if it was their appearance, words, or some odd, old feelings from the masculine or sister wound or past life thing. So much thinking would follow, but we get to sit and feel instead of ruminating. So feel into what is trying to come through.

We are all indigenous, intuitive, and powerful. Part of our lineage and heritage is that we all knew things. We had connections with things, and though we may have forgotten that we have intuitive abilities, we can still harness them.

Because of colonization, we forgot our ways for so long and conformed or died, but we know now that they took away our abilities and connection to spirit, ancestors, animals, and plants because people with these abilities are dangerous and not possible to control.

The outside world wants us to forget our power so that we follow anything else other than our powerful heart. The outside world clouds our judgement and inner knowing, but we can reclaim our gifts and intuition now. We all have them as a coding in our DNA. We may even know things before they happen, just like I did.

For me, I got an unclear feeling with the space holder, the Taita—aka Shaman’s Baby Mother—in an Ayahuasca ceremony before I sat, and that should have been enough to give myself time before sitting in a sacred space with her. And that shadow of doubt and confusion was my message. That unclarity gave me clarity that my knowing was trying to tell me not to harness that connection.

We are so powerful and smart, but we forget how to listen to the signs and the messages. Some tell us not to judge anyone and not to think negative. They tell us that other people know better than we do, so we should ask others what they think.

But the truth is, we should only ask our highest self—God—and go within, and it’s better not look to someone else for true clarity. We have so much power when we tap into our hearts and inner compass.

So what did I choose that jeopardized my experience and growth? I went against my intuition and judgements and straight into a potent, out of integrity, Ayahuasca ceremony.

The medicine was intense. I had visions and memories that I can’t even describe clearly but which I felt strongly. Even if it was hard and scary, it was all for my best.

The part that was terrifying and traumatizing was when I removed myself from the intense tribal music for my best interest, and for a moment, I felt good. I made a choice to choose “me,” and I went against the rules and traditions.

I paid the price for that decision, and the space holder terrorized and traumatized me for it. She scared me not only physically, but most alarmingly, it felt emotionally and spiritually abusive.

I am not sharing this to deter you away from working with this plant. If you feel absolutely certain that this plant is for you, then go for it. But I believe that I went through this experience to know clearly and share with you that the best way for many of us is to work with gentle and nourishing plants like ceremonial cacao and so many others.

We need to work with the gentle plants that our elder teachers hold with their grandmother-essence and unconditional love and the plants that love us, sing to us, and gently walk us to the door of transformation and deep healing.

If anyone else tells us we need anything else, then they’re lying. I believe that working with the gentle plants is good for healing when done with reverence and consistency. It is also a practice and a journey.

Everything happens for us—not to us. My experience with Ayahuasca reminded me to take my power back in gratitude.

I now know how strong my inner connection and intuition truly are.

I know that my connection to my heart is strong, my senses are strong, and I get to step into my power more and more with every lesson and experience.



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