It’s 3am Monday as I get up to train & meditate. I remind myself we don’t have time we make time. That nobody is going to do for me, except me. Herein lies the difficulty of just thinking positive… if you have learned to judge & criticize yourself in order to make sure you are good enough. Your body will protest letting go the adaptions you made through life to protect you. When I was a small girl I struggled immensely with being sensitive. That I made adaptations to be non emotive. Not speaking to others when I felt emotive & to never share my struggles or feelings. This lead me to some of my darkest moments. Some of my closest friends also still remind me to share more. Part of my healing journey is about exploring guilt. Any self recrimination or guilt ridden thinking arises from visceral body sensations is a secondary & unnecessary point. The issue is our bodies & lifelong adaptive behaviors & thoughts believe this kind of self critical thinking is necessary. When we are young any perceived threat of losing that connection (mine being sensitive having emotions makes my family & those im close to me walk away or say I’m not strong enough or valid) is going to be a second point of wiring for our adaptive but unhealthy ways of coping that later stop us healing. Anything that is perceived by your younger developing self as judgment, rejection or abandonment or betrayal will be understood as being caused by something we did…”If I am x my family x, I must be more x to be loved”.
Early childhood trauma is very ineffective survival mechanism. Over time the 2nd point feeling turns guilt/responsibility to shame when critical voices take place.. unworthy. Feeling responsible as children manifests into pervasive inner critic voices. There is a way to change this relationship to critical inner voices, it is difficult like any change at first it starts with noticing our bodies sensations that are informing these voices, then bringing creativity to the table to how we see, hear & communicate to these voices (you). However creativity is not successful unless you breathe to create space. This is where yoga became my breath and space. Scroll this is little me who I heal.