A lone wolf is walking slowly through the trees on a rugged hill, looking for prey to fill his hungry belly.
Always on the lookout for the next hunt, he scavenges his surroundings—his hunger never fully stilled, his stomach a bottomless pit.
This is what a hungry heart felt like to me.
I was always looking for more things to fill the holes in me. I was looking for outside things to fill my inside holes. I did not know that there was only one way to close the holes for good—by closing them from the inside out.
Years of accumulated discord between two people, which turned into an avalanche of distrust, resentment, regret, guilt, and shame can result in a breakup of a relationship.
“Why do people get married anyway?” some may ask. Well, it is a tradition to create a sacred union between two people in love. But often, this part has been forgotten and people get married instead for other reasons—money, comfort, security, and wanting children.
I got married young at only 21 years old after moving to Canada. I doubt I would have gotten married at all if it were not about staying in Canada for good—in fact, I almost fainted on my wedding day.
In hindsight, I did not realize I was running away from home, and just all too glad to be far away from a place that was dysfunctional and downright unhealthy for me.
I was escaping a childhood riddled with complexity, confusion, manipulation, and trauma. I really had no understanding of what I came out of and certainly never had the chance to explore my past, which was shrouded in a forgetful mind.
It was easier to run and look for something new that could make me happy and finally live a joyous life. I just wanted to be happy.
But my sadness followed me like a thief in the dark—into every corner I tried to hide from.
Over the years, I was ignoring the fact that I carried a hole in my heart. The hole was created by a loss I suffered as a child, and I had never recovered. Still subconsciously trying to resuscitate my inner child and her wounds, the lack of compassionate, emotional connection with my partners only widened the gape of the hole, and I kept hiding it, suffering in silence, afraid to consult a doctor, and not feeling the support I really needed.
Words were said to me that only reconfirmed my beliefs that my feelings were insignificant and I must be a hypochondriac—something I didn’t realize came from words directed at me as a child as well. If you cannot remember what people did or said to you as a child, then how would you be able to put two and two together?
You just can’t.
You can’t understand what you don’t remember.
The gaping holes were so big at this point, one could have fallen right into it, and so it happened that I was absorbing the love bombing of another like a thirsty puppy. I fell right for it, and, still today, I scratch my head over it. How could I have been so naïve?
The accumulation of things unresolved and unaddressed leads to a lot of psychological pressure, which subsequently creates an explosion of emotions, thoughts, and actions—a can of worms uncovered after trying to put one more thing into a space that just has no room left to fit anything else. You can only shove your feelings away for so long until the lid flies off.
A trigger can create an explosion that will surely leave everyone wondering, “What the hell happened?” Such an explosion may be used by the other person to claim your insanity. This is done to prove themselves to be the better person or to be in control over a situation.
I was able to learn from these situations hugely when I began to realize that my triggers are my responsibility to tackle, and that, yes, the other person may have tried to make me look bad, and even seemingly succeeded, but I had to learn the importance of nonreactive response.
I realized that this type of behavior had nothing to do with me or my worthiness—but simply showed the opponent’s immaturity and inability to deal with their own feelings, trying to project their issues unto me and make it my problem.
I began to create limitations and boundaries after that experience, which greatly improved the relationship we had. I realized that my own insecurities, and my own guilt and shame often kept me from speaking up when I needed to. I had to learn to say what I needed and what does not work for me, so there are no misunderstandings. If we don’t speak up, we do ourselves and everyone else a disservice.
So much magic can happen when we embrace our authentic voice.
Don’t just assume that others know better than you, and always check in with yourself.
I realized that because of my childhood experiences, I had been groomed into complying with others, like my own needs do not matter. I had no voice in my relationships because I was never encouraged to have one or to speak up. I didn’t know what it meant to be authentic or how to be myself.
As much as breakups are messy, they can also teach us a lot about ourselves if we are open to learning and growth. Bad situations are not meant to be punishment for deeds done but are meant to be growth hubs to evolve ourselves and our consciousness.
If nothing like that ever happened to me, I would not have come to the deep, profound understandings in my life I carry today; I would have never opened myself to growth and expansion, but instead, stayed like a quiet mouse in a corner, safely away from any life experiences.
The breakup opened me to the possibility of having an evolved relationship with another, a relationship of growth and understanding, one where we speak our truth to each other and learn and grow together.
A few years before my divorce, I found myself in the living room, having a moment of contemplation. I was not happy with the deafening silence in my grey home.
“Was this really it? That’s gonna be one hell of a boring life.”
We always get exactly what we want out of life. And at any moment, our decisions can take us down a different road.
You are the creator of your life and you are in charge of how it goes.
It becomes interesting when everyone creates their own lives, and how it all plays together with unexpected synchronicities.
I used to be worried about making the right choices until I learned that any choice I made from my authentic self was the right choice for me at the time, and I could always be comfortable with that. Regrets come when we wish we had done things differently, which leads to feeling like we would have been able to make different choices, but that’s an illusion that can keep us stuck in the past. Addressing past resentments is key in healing but dwelling on the past can take away from living in the moment and being happy.
Acknowledge past choices as an expression for how you felt in that moment, and realize that if you had the level of growth and understanding of today, you may have made different choices—but you also would likely not have come to the level of understanding of yourself if you made different choices in the past. Your choices in life are always a reflection of the person you are in that moment; with love and compassion, we can navigate through the complexity of the mind, and come out of it as a better person today than we were in the past.
Trust the process of growth and keep communicating with others and yourself for understanding and clarity.
When we are clear about what is happening within us, we can also clearly communicate our feelings and thoughts with others, which leads to better relationships that concurrently benefit the whole family dynamic.
Clarity is gained by increasing perception, understanding cause and effect, and observing ourselves, our thoughts, and our feelings. Knowing how it plays together and how it affects us can help us make better decisions as we are able to avoid potential cataclysms when we are in the place of the conscious observer.
The conscious observer knows the importance of forgiveness and is constantly releasing the bonds to past resentments by allowing them to be a part of the story. He is doing this for his own freedom, his own peace of mind.
The holes of the hungry heart are slowly being sowed back together, as we fill the holes with actions of self-love, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness. When the heart becomes whole again, we have become different people; we are more sovereign, more confident, more loving, and patient, and we allow the world to be the world, and us to just be us.
This is a process that can take years; be patient with yourself, and most of all, forgive yourself for who you were before you knew better.