November 11, 2020

The 6 Basic Teachings of a “F*ckgirl.”

*Editor’s Note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal views of the authors, and can not possibly reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here.

Warning: naughty language ahead. 


I think fuckgirls are fascinating.

In a world of dramatic prima donnas, aggressive mean girls, and easygoing namaste babes, I picture this variety of female characters—who are either overwhelming or underwhelming—parading in front of a fuckgirl, who calmly responds with:

“Uh, where’s the fire?” and “How long are you gonna wait for a miracle?”

I’m not interested in slamming the complex kaleidoscope that is a fuckgirl, because there is already enough of that black-and-white, toolish thinking on the internet.

I prefer to study and address the energy of a fuckgirl, rather than her morals and ethics—there’s something about fuckgirls we’re not taking a close enough look at, as a culture.

Here’s what I feel fuckgirls can teach us:

1. Purposefully choose a real vibe.

Figure out a way to slooow down. Way down. Move far away from aggression—change zip codes. You should choose your vibe; don’t let others choose it for you, especially if it’s coming from commercialization.

Good vibes” is not a vibe, it’s a distraction and it’s perpetuating the lie that all is good when it is not. If everything was good, I would not need to write this article.

Pick some real vibes, some slower vibes, some contemplative vibes, some expressive vibes, some honest vibes. Vibes that feel approachable and real, that foster connection with others—from all walks of life. Do you ever notice how close-minded and judgmental “good girls” can be? And how a fuckgirl will befriend the one dude who seems a little dangerous or intimidating? He probably isn’t, for her, because she is real with him.

The vibe you choose affects your behavior, and it should feel meditative in quality. Going to this place should instantly affect you, relax you, help you drop down into your body, and ease resistance in your mind, so that thoughts about how you really feel can surface and bring you clarity and pleasure.

I do this with synth-pop—a favorite band of mine is Milk & Bone, and I enjoy music similar to them. It works for me in the morning when I am choosing a chill vibe, whether I am staying home or on the go. If nature is a 1, and a retail store during the holidays is a 10, my chosen vibe puts me between 3 and 5. I don’t really like going up past 7 unless I am being paid to do so (sometimes we need that energy to get the job done), and otherwise, my personal challenge is to stay at 3 to 5 energy, even when I am in the environment of a 7 to 10.

Just know what your home energy is, where your vibe should be…a fuckgirl always knows this and she lives there.

2. Be an energy snob.

Let’s be real and acknowledge that fuckboys exist because non-fuckgirls enable them.

A fuckgirl would never enable a fuckboy. This pair would actually do well together because neither one would give too much, and they would be forced to grow slowly and evenly.

There’s this fuckgirl meme that says:

“Fuckboys hurting the good girls, turning ’em into fuckgirls, who then hurt good guys, turning ’em into fuckboys—it’s a mad cycle.”

And a response, written below the meme, states:

“Fuckgirls is a thing? K…but this all comes down to fuckboys needing to be sacrificed to make the world a better place.”

I don’t think fuckboys need to be sacrificed; I think good girls need to learn from fuckgirls how to stop enabling fuckboys. And that is done by being an energy snob.

Like a fuckgirl, be selective about who you give your time, energy, attention, and your affection to. Give men a time limit in which to act—and choose to be with men of action. Communicate your standards. Always be ready to let go and move on because your worth demands it. Lead with your goals in mind—men worth having around will not be deterred by this. You will naturally repel toxic men and attract men who match your energy.

I know this can be particularly hard when you have strong feelings for a certain man (I have been there). When you are a fuckgirl, it can feel like a constant practice of letting him go. So, keep letting him go until he is worthy of you. Maybe he will be one day. Maybe he never will be.

A fuckgirl only fully welcomes men who are ready for her—she doesn’t wait around for someone to finally value her. She is more attached to her own worth than any guy. It’s not that she is cold—she is just incapable of falling in love with him until he values her. Her affection is tied to her worth; it’s basic self-love.

Men will often tell a fuckgirl, “you’re worth it”—and they mean it. I know I never get tired of hearing those three words. It’s because they value you. A man will never value a woman who does not value herself.

3. Stop getting excited about nothing.

This might be the most important step to attaining that enviable fuckgirl detachment. I’m not saying to act bored—nobody is drawn to a feigned personality. I’m saying: have appropriate responses, not conditioned or reflexive ones.

I dislike when I am watching a fictional series where the girl develops a massive crush on a guy who hasn’t done anything except look hot or cute. It’s dumb, it validates girl programming, and it teaches men that it’s okay to do the bare minimum and never give or make a decent effort.

Stop gushing excessively. Stop giving unwarranted and unearned adoration. I cringe when I watch big-hearted, good girls be what Kate Manne would call a “human giver” with their premature, excessive affections, that I honestly don’t feel go very deep. What if you hang back a bit to measure how much someone actually likes you? True affection and caring should also be a mutual act because it is a real connection.

Good girls screw up the connections they really want by killing the mysterious chase and smothering healthy relationships with lavish, but often generic praise. And, unfortunately, it’s a girl-specific compulsion.

The fuckgirl police are pulling over your obnoxious welcome wagon, which leaves men exhausted and annoyed, to cite you for speeding under the influence of boy-crazy—where self-love and self-worth should be. You can get your dating license back when you stop being a human giver and start being a human being.

4. Immediately drop all fuckboys.

Womanizer. Player. Every generation has an unloveable term for emotionally unavailable, hyper-sexual men.

Are you ready for your fuckgirl test? Can you do it, just drop ’em like they’re not hot? Are they delivering your deepest desires? Are they getting down on one knee? Confessing their love for you? No? Then drop them.

You don’t owe the fuckboy an explanation—he knows what he did. If you’re dealing with a fuckboy now, start matching his almost energy, or put on your fuckgirl panties—ahem, thong—and make your bored AF exit, which will be anything but dramatic. Fuckgirls are slow, chill, they like contemplative action, and they’re assertive only when it’s required. They don’t invest tons of emotion into a one-way situationship, so there is nothing to be dramatic, emotional, or aggressive about. It’s like they have a limited energy supply, and they can’t go wasting it on anyone who hasn’t earned it.

My exit would look like permanent silence, and if he reached out, he’d get a rejection equivalent of a yawn. If it was a guy I cared about, I’d make sure he knows that I cared, but I would not spend a lot of energy on him.

Fuckgirls know that not matching a guy’s energy is dating sin numero uno. Good girls can’t grasp this, and they keep failing. Typically, a fuckgirl ends a relationship in person—and she doesn’t pine or waste time. She simply says, ”Ooh, that was fun,” or “That was crazy!” and gets on with her life.

Picture this: a girl on her way to the beach. Getting her favorite drink is her priority of the day. When her phone buzzes, she does not rush to it, nor does she hurriedly or excitedly respond (a fuckgirl does not spend all day texting everyone, she spends all day doing her thang). This keeps her focused on herself and it repels needy people. She’ll get to responding after a swim. Or a nap, or whatever.

5. Give yourself permission to feel good for no damn reason.

For so long, I feel like being a woman has been synonymous with emotional pain.

It does not have to be.

I especially like this advice because you’re gonna need to learn how to put yourself in a really fucking good mood when you have no reason to be in a good mood and every reason to be in a bad one.

Can you picture a fuckgirl moping sadly all day because a guy didn’t call her? I can’t. If your mood is lowered thanks to some dude, that’s on you, not him. Don’t give men that kind of power over you.

Emotional control is empowering and, yes, you might feel a little delusional in the beginning, but the pros are worth it. One of the biggest pros is that you’re teaching a man that he can’t control you or your mood. Even my decision-making is smarter when I’m in a purposefully good mood, because I am less apt to make decisions I will regret later—while drinking wine.

But this is important: I’m not ignoring my emotions. I’m simply not letting them call all the shots. I’m being strong, decisive, and proactive, and I’m honoring the best course of action for myself. Picture a shrewd committee in your head making your decisions, rather than a love-torn lunatic impulsively pushing buttons on the control panel. Start thinking of things that make you feel genuinely good, and start doing them every day.

Personally, I make my bed every day, and I make dancing a part of my workout. Sometimes, I just like to make tea, cut up an apple, and sit with both in the sun for 30 minutes before I start my day. It feels really good. I also love to bump 80s and 90s soft rock ballads really loud, the way gangsters bump Tupac. I do this regardless of how I actually feel in my love life…because I like to feel good.

6. Flirt. A lot.

There’s something about flirting that serves as a reminder that sexual joy is not being held hostage by a narcissist. Yeah, we’ve all been there, so let’s never revisit that.

The last time I interacted with a coffee barista, we ended up making stripping references, complete with my mild and tasteful impersonations that had him busting out laughing as he was giving me my change. I told him, “I said make it rain, not make it sprinkle,” and through his laughter, while making my drink he said, “It’s gonna be a short shower,” and we parted, mutually amused.

Life is supposed to be fun, so start having yourself some fuckgirl-approved fun.


P.S. Here’s what a fuckgirl brings to the table. 


Author’s note: This article and the one linked above are dedicated to my late best friend in college, Michelle Oblonsky, who was my first fuckgirl friend and fuckgirl role model—who regularly disapproved of my dating choices and my dating behavior, Goddess bless her! We share a portal, as she passed on my birthday, but the spirit of her fuckgirl finery lives on here. Love you, girl! 11-10-86 to 9-13-2016.


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