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I am really feeling it.
I’ve realised it’s my go-to. My default. Where I always land again when something difficult happens.
For as long as I can remember, sadness has been familiar to me. I felt it so much growing up. Really deeply and profoundly. It might sound crazy, but it feels like something I have brought with me from another lifetime. Like something I have carried for a lot longer than my almost 36 years. I don’t know how else to explain it than a deeply embedded emotional home within myself.
These days I don’t return here very often. I train myself to stay on track, to stay as close to balanced as my human mind might allow.
But a few days ago, it crept in again. I felt sad at being by myself and not having physical touch or intimacy from another human. I felt that I needed to be held so damn much.
My first reaction is always to fight it. To distract myself. To fill the emptiness with something else to feel better. It’s such a human thing to try and fill the holes that gape through our souls.
Then eventually I sank into it. I allowed myself to sit and feel it. I cried a lot. I even yelled and asked for help out loud. There was actually a lot more than just sadness there, but it was always the strongest emotion.
I have processed the emotion before. I have seen both sides of it. But it comes back around again and again. It is still here to help me, to teach me things. And so I sit with it.
And all of a sudden today, I realised that I feel relief. I feel held. Safe in a blanket of sadness. Held by something bigger than just myself.
The thing is, once we stop fighting being a human with human emotions and imperfections, we find the perfection in what we are meant to find, what we are meant to learn. The path we are meant to be guided back to.
I’ll sit here a little longer. Purposefully enjoy what I am feeling. I’ll take my time and hear what else it has to teach me. And then when it’s time, I’ll return to myself with new knowledge and awareness.
All emotions are just that…emotions. Not good or bad, but both. So instead of pushing it away, maybe open your arms a little wider and let it come out.
What is your default?
What do you get when you allow yourself to sit in that homely place?