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December 13, 2020

2020 -Welcome to the roller coaster ride

I sit here writing because honestly, I don’t know what else to do. My heart aches, breaks, is happy, loving, confused, terrified and is angry. 2020 has brought so many blessings and so much hurt to so many.

I started out the year already on my roller coaster ride helping my husband battle a brain AVF, learning that the judicial system is unfair- it proved my son had to be guilty until proven innocent (not the other way around as they claim) and that people assume first, judge and then try to understand later or at times not at all. All while still trying to understand the grief that continued to consume me over the loss of my mom a year and a half before, COVID hit, horrible injustices to the black community and politics. All I could think was don’t let go of the lap bar that keeps you safely tucked into your seat.

Initially, I recall the fear I felt with COVID. Hearing and seeing all the horrible things happening in the news to others around the world, truly broke my heart and soul and I worried for humanity and what this would do to them. Although I am a total introvert, I understand and also need connection with people. Connection is what makes us all tick at the end of the day. Its what gives us hope, love, support, shows us kindness, show us the people we don’t want to be, it helps us know we are not alone in this crazy world. My mind struggled to understand what would the world be like without this? What will connection look like until this settled down? Will people be okay? Is internet connection enough to keep us all connected? I think we’ve all learned this year internet connections are are not enough and while I appreciate we have zoom, facetime etc..It’s just not the same (which has been a blessing learning). We miss our families, our friends, a friendly handshake or hug. We miss running out to the store to browse around at all the wonderful holiday items and the hustle and bustle it brings with it. We miss our routines (Yoga, Gyms, Date Nights, Coffee or Wine nights with friends etc.) We wonder if this will ever end and pray it comes sooner rather than later. We grow tired and weary day by day. I worry about people and their mental health, hell I worry about mine.

And while all this is happening, I also see the blessings that has come from this all. I’ve watched families slow down and spend more time with one another. I see people stopping to analyze what they really want in life and taking the time to go after it-because what the hell else are you going to do with all that new time you have. 🙂 I see people trying to find creative ways to connect and doing their best to stay connected. I’ve learned the grief that comes along with missing your family and friends when they are a 10 minute drive away and just how much they mean to me. I’ve stuck by hard decisions both to see them and not to. I’ve learned in all of this we can not control what happens, there is someone/something much bigger than us that gets that say. I wish I could wrap this one up with a pretty bow but in all honesty 2020 has been a roller coaster ride. Full of oh shit I am going to fall of this thing and some excitement and joy along the way.

I am wrapping it up with this, there is no right or wrong answer to all of this. Each family and their situations are so different and even amongst the family there are differences. I ask others to stop, breath, don’t assume and don’t judge but most of all show up with love in your heart. You truly do not understand what is going on with each family, each person and the decisions they are making around that. I wish for you to bring love, happiness, understanding and respect to one another.

Continued 2020 Blessings my friends. Lord knows we will all need them!

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