January 26, 2021

Hooking up in the Age of Consent. {Advice Column}

~ This is part of a column: Up All Night: the Sex Talk you Need to Read. Head to the author’s page to follow along. Do you have a question? Email Kate here.


As a coach, I hear comments like, “I just don’t know what to do!”

Or clients often ask, “Am I normal?” I’m here to help you figure out these things and much more! Below, a reader has a question many can relate to.


Q: Is it wrong/shameful to have sex with randos—while intoxicated—in this age of consent and mindfulness?

(Corollary: how do we work with shame/feeling degraded around sex while still allowing room for fun/spontaneity/passion?)

~ Concerned in Colorado

A: This is such a timely question, especially in the #MeToo Era.

So, what I really want to know is, how do you feel? Are you feeling sexually empowered by these experiences? It can be really hot to meet someone and know right away that they are turned on by you! Getting that instant gratification, that sensual experience is so satisfying.

But, that wasn’t what you asked. You asked if it was wrong or shameful and that tells me that you might be hitting a core wound. Shame comes from a core wound in our personal history and, for a lot of us, that wound is around sexuality. We are taught a lot of facts about sex in school (and if we’re lucky, from our parents) but way less about feelings.

Top it off with intoxication and you have a heady mix. Without putting a “right” or “wrong” judgment on it, it just comes down to how it’s making you feel. If you say you are feeling degraded, it might be good to take a look at the bigger picture.

Bringing in those mindfulness practices, maybe make this the focus of your meditation for a while. How do you feel when you are still and peaceful?

Calm your breathing, settle your mind, go deep. (You may want to do this with a practitioner if you have any concerns you might hit some trauma in there.)

If, after some examination, you find your current sexual practices are serving you, then you have an answer to your question. Carry on! (And practice safe sex!)

If they are not, you know where to start to implement change. Good luck and much love!

~ The Passion Coach


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