January 13, 2021

I am Grateful for your Lies & Betrayal.


“He, who had done more than any human being to draw her out of the caves of her secret, folded life, now threw her down into deeper recesses of fear and doubt. The fall was greater than she had ever known, because she had ventured so far into emotion and had abandoned herself to it.” ~  Anaïs Nin


Years ago, a brutal betrayal.

I was gaslit, shut down, silenced.

I was crazy, overemotional, paranoid…

An “Angry Woman.”

I shed bitter tears,

The betrayal, impossible to face.

You denied it with an expert sleight of hand…

You called me damaged when I spoke my truth.

I had no proof, no hard evidence,

Only my deep, intuitive knowing.

I chose to betray my knowing.

Too scared to face what I had to do—

To walk away.

I swallowed my fear, my anger.

I will prove my worth to you by doing.

I will stay too busy for the truth to catch up to me.

I will quiet down my too-muchness, my voice.

I will ignore the lies, the treason.

Your shadow will be a fine place to hide.

In your shadow, I’ll pretend I am happy, loved, secure.

I will join you in your dreams and put aside my silly longing.

I will play small and not rock the shaky foundation our life was built upon.

Your false narrative of who I am:

Angry, damaged, judgemental…

Was too strong for me to fight against.

So easy for me to believe,

because you used my wounds against me.

Knowing where my shame lived, you aimed it at my heart.

Breaking it into pieces.

I didn’t know I was holding your shame too.

Protecting you from the consequences of your actions.

Actions designed to hide from your shame.

You avoid it at all costs,

No matter the suffering it causes.

Your doing for others is not motivated by kindness.

But to prove your own worth, deny your shame,

Protect your image as the good guy, the hero.

Your patterns are rooted in the trauma you refuse to acknowledge.

Habits in place to shut out the truth of your emptiness,

Your closed heart.

Then came another betrayal.

You expertly deflected, lied, manipulated.

This time my knowing would not be silenced.

My sacred anger rose up and would no longer be ignored.

Anger had a story to tell.

My boundaries were being violated,

I was being lied to, dishonoured.

You gifted me another chance to rise up and speak my truth.

You thought no one knew,

But when your deceit was revealed,

It was pointed back at you.

No more denial.

No more excuses.

No more hoping.

You look for love,

But true love isn’t found in lies.

True love isn’t found in the shadows,

Or kept hidden in the closet.

I was once the woman in your closet.

You lied and hid me from her.

It’s just to protect yourself from the Angry Woman, you said.

I believed you.

Now, I’m on the other side of the closet door.

I’m playing the part of the Angry Woman to the new lover.

Is your story the same?

Am I the one who doesn’t show you affection,

Or pay you enough compliments…

Hurts you because I’m damaged goods?

Did you tell her the truth of your betrayals?

Did she know we were still together?

Or did she not mind being the other woman?

You play the victim well.

No accountability, no integrity.

I’ve seen this movie before.

Same script, different actress.

Same leading man.

You will drive her to become the next Angry Woman in your story.

And the cycle continues.

But I am free.

The hurt of your last betrayal has lit a fire in my soul.

I am rising and claiming back my power.

I will let go of your shame and leave it on your doorstep,

To bypass, pass on to another, or bury.

I will not clean up after you anymore.

I am finally free.

For the next great love that awaits me won’t be born from deceit.

It won’t be hidden or require sneaking around in the dark.

My love will be enjoyed in the light of day,

Not in the shadows.

There will be no casualties, no collateral damage.

True love is coming for me,

And my heart is open to it.

With my integrity intact,

With courage and honour by my side.

I didn’t want to believe you when you told me you don’t love.

But it was the truest thing you ever said.

I am free now to be loved by those who know how.

I am no longer carrying the heavy weight of that which is not mine.

I will share these powerful lessons with the world,

So I may help those still held back by shame and fear,

Their own or another’s.

I will no longer betray my deep knowing.

My heart will show me the way home,

Back to my calling, my dreams, my gifts to offer up to the Universe.

I hold my sacred anger with love.

I will allow my voice to be heard.

I will embrace my divine power and stand quietly in my truth.

No need to scream and wail.

Nothing more to prove.

I benefit no one by playing small.

My worth is no longer defined by you,

By busyness or doing.

My gift is my authenticity,

My vulnerability,

My mystical powers of sight.

I am truly grateful for your lies…

That brought me back to truth.

Thank you for showing me just how brave and strong I am.

Thank you for forcing me out of the nest,

For making me spread my wings and fly.

It wasn’t your mind’s intention, but the results are the same.

Our soul contract is complete.

I wish you well on your journey.

May you find the courage to face your shame and be transformed by it.

May you break the patterns that keep you stuck in ancient trauma,

And heal your wounded heart.

Remember: a broken heart is an open heart.

May you allow a crack of light into the dark chambers so you may see the work to be done.

For in facing the work, liberation is granted.


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