January 28, 2021

You Gotta Love Yourself: 8 Steps to Building Self-Confidence.


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“Confidence…thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection, and on unselfish performance. Without them, it cannot live.” ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt


Confidence is everything!

How can you get to a place where you can feel confident in all areas of your life?

Good question; that is the struggle that most people have.

Lack of confidence keeps you stuck. It keeps you in a job you hate, relationships that are not healthy for you, and it keeps you from pursuing your dreams.

We live in a world that (I feel) pretty much encourages and fosters insecurity. Social media has become so prevalent with the inner workings of people’s lives plastered all over the internet that people have lost their obscurity, their desire for privacy, and their lives scream, “Validate me.”

If you have read any of my past articles, you understand my feelings about social media and know that I feel that social media is a big chunk of why we are where we are right now as a society. I could go on for a long time about the true repercussions of social media and its effects on our children, our families, and our lives in general.

But I digress…

My focus here is to show you how you can build the confidence that is so desperately needed for the areas of your life that require you to be at your best.

Confidence affects our relationships with our friends, families, coworkers, and bosses, but especially our most vulnerable relationships—romantic ones. The person we are and our behaviors when we are with our spouse, boyfriend, or the people we are dating is how we are able to measure our confidence and where we need work.

Can you relate?

If you were on my front porch looking in, you would see me as a confident and independent woman. You might even view me as “powerful” (which is how my boys see me), as well as an “overachiever,” and I am, to an extent.

I am most confident in areas where I am strong in my abilities, like parenting, housekeeping, being a loyal friend, in my career, and as a coach. When I set a goal, I go after it 120 percent without hurting anyone in the interim. When I parent, I do the best I can each day and succumb to my failures and shortcomings.

I am self-aware.

Where I fall short with confidence is in my romantic life. If you follow me, I am sure you gather by now that I have had many issues in the past with regards to abandonment, experiencing infidelity, facing childhood trauma, and so on. Gratefully, all of this has molded me into the woman I am today—strong and independent—but it in no way has it groomed me for having a healthy relationship.

Being able to be in a relationship that doesn’t involve drama, pain, and toxic behavior has taken work for me. Lots of work. I am grateful every single day that I made the decision to let go of old behaviors and work on creating new ones. Allowing someone to see my vulnerabilities, letting go of control, and letting someone love me and get close to me. Very new stuff for me. I can’t say I am all too good at it yet.

I don’t always like to get super personal in my articles, but having been where the struggle is, I realize it helps to know what a person’s story is, especially when they are dishing out advice on how to get past the struggle. It helps to know that there are others out there who have experienced the same fears, debilitating anxiety, deep sadness, and the disbelief that things could ever be different.

I have.

My job is to tell you, things can be different, they will be different, and you will love the change.

“Confidence is the most important single factor in this game, and no matter how great your natural talent, there is only one way to obtain and sustain it: work.” ~ Jack Nicklaus

Here are eight steps to building your confidence:

1. Separate yourself from anything or anyone that doesn’t allow you to be your best self.

The first step to building your confidence is to separate yourself from anything and anyone that doesn’t allow you to be your best self (remove toxic people from your life). There is a saying, “You are who you surround yourself with,” and it’s so true. Make a list of the people (and things) that are an emotional drain on your life, and focus on letting them go. Once you do, new people will enter—ones who fit the new you, happy, confident people.

2. Start focusing on the areas that you struggle with.

Make a list of your weaknesses and where you struggle to see the positive, and then focus on where you can start making little changes. For example, if you struggle with your weight, get help and learn how to start an exercise and nutrition routine that can help you meet your fitness goals. Want a new job?  Get your resume together! Start the process of manifesting what you want to see change.

3. Get into the nitty-gritty of your self-esteem issues.

After you have worked through the first two steps, now you can start getting to the nitty-gritty of your self-esteem issues. Did you suffer past trauma (whether it was childhood family issues, getting bullied in middle school, or a bad breakup in your life)? Did something trigger you to feel that you are not enough? Simple fact: you are enough. Start there.

4. Identify if you struggle with issues that may require you to seek coaching or counseling.

For instance, abandonment issues are a real thing, and struggling with these issues can cause an extreme lack of confidence, especially in romantic relationships. Abandonment issues can cause a woman (or man) that seemingly has his or her “sh*t together” to fall to pieces from insecurity in a relationship. And they almost always self-sabotage the relationship. They become insecure, jealous, and suspecting, and, eventually, they self-implode from overthinking every little thing. Again, sabotage.  Sound familiar?

5. Switch your focus to yourself.

Focus on yourself, even if you are in a committed relationship. Spend some time on your own validating yourself and meeting your own needs. Create and work on a self-care and self-love routine that will help you build your self-esteem and confidence without looking for validation from your partner, friends, social media, and so on.  Need help with this? Let me know.

6. Get off social media!

This, seriously, is the best medicine for someone who needs help in the self-confidence and insecurity area. Social media does nothing but make people feel less-than. Remember, happy people don’t need other people to view and validate their lives.

7. Get involved in things that make you feel good.

Start a project, volunteer, exercise, redo your home, take a class, start a new hobby—get creative, and get immersed in it. Excel at it. Have fun doing it. Being productive and accomplishing tasks is an incredible way to build your self-esteem.

8. Love yourself for who you are.

Do not change for anyone, ever. Take some time in your sacred space to write in your journal and identify all your amazing qualities. Inside and out. Put a star next to your favorites. Again, you are enough.

All of these suggestions are just a start. It is important for your personal development to focus on the areas where you need the most work and then start the process of changing your perspective and mindset.

I am not too ashamed to admit that abandonment is my biggest struggle and probably always will be. I, like everyone, am a work in progress, and I love the fact that I have identified this and am working on it. I am also proud to share articles like this with all of you in hopes that I can help you or those you know that need the help.

So please, if there is anyone you think will benefit from this article, please share this with them.

Wishing you happiness, confidence, and contentment.


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