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March 1, 2021

What not Having a Sexual Partner for Two Years Meant for my Body & Self.

Deepening Into Love.

For the past two years, I haven’t had a sexual partner, I haven’t had a lover, I haven’t had a relationship.

But not in the traditional sense.

This has been a time of going into myself, into my body, into my sensuality, and sexuality.

It has affirmed something I’ve known and taught for a long time: our love, our sexuality, our sensuality, our pleasure is about us. Then it’s about sharing that in the way we choose.

For someone who works in the fields of Conscious Sexuality and Tantra, this has been fascinating and such a different experience of myself.

And it doesn’t mean that I haven’t loved or had lovers.

It doesn’t mean I haven’t had experiences of deep intimacy—intimacy that’s brought me to tears, often.

It doesn’t mean I haven’t felt arousal and desire, deeply, strongly, in my body, in my heart, in my lingam.

It has brought me to a love that’s more open.

To a love of life.

To a love of the moment.

To being able to love, to fall in love, to rise in love.

To love so much, in a moment, and to flow into the next one—alone.

It has brought me to a desire and an arousal that fills me, fills my body—every cell of it.

Sometimes a fire; raging flames of heat.

Sometimes as deep as the ocean.

And it has taught me to breathe into the feelings, into the sensations, into the desire.

Without it having to be more, anymore than that beautiful moment, so filled with everything. And feel how it flows into the next moment as something else.

It has taken me into arousal—my arousal, the arousal of men, of women. How many ways there are to be aroused! The freedom to have an erection, not have an erection.

To see more of how trapped, limited, patterned, conditioned, inhibited so much of our sexuality is. The fear we have—the fear of the power, of the fire, of what’s deep inside of us, how we judge it, suppress it, repress it.

And in that, how we suppress our hearts; our yearning for fullness.

It has taken me into some deep conversations with my body, with my cock, with my heart.

Some I’ve shared with you, some still to be shared.

It has brought me to myself; to more of my inner self.

It has shown me the stillness, the quiet—of sitting in it, sitting in the storm, in the wind, in the sun, in the noise, in the peace.

Riding the waves.

It has shown me more of surrender.

Yes, there has been loneliness.

And longing.

And intimacy, connection, tenderness.

It has shown me and taken me deeply into my senses, how so much of life is my eyes, my nose, my mouth, my ears, my hands.

Sensuality is how we experience each other, life, the world.

Sensual presence is a constant meditation in life.

It has shown me the power of subtlety that’s there in the stillness, in the quiet. And it’s only in that stillness that we’ll know, hear, feel, taste, touch, smell, know, intuit the subtle; the nuance.

It has opened my workspace and deepened my intuition.

There, lies permission—to do things I thought I couldn’t, teach things I thought I couldn’t.

It has expanded my inspiration into many new sources.

It has been massages, touch experiences, and breath practices that have lasted for up to two hours. Sometimes with incredible arousal, sometimes not—that doesn’t have to go anywhere or be anything else other than the sensation, the feeling, the breath, and the flow into the next moment.

It has been times in the pool, during water flow massage, of holding someone, and that’s the world, in that moment, in those arms around me, that belly against mine, that heart next to mine.

The world in that moment.

And floating away into my body, my heart.

And when something else is ready to arise, to emerge in my life, in myself, the space is open.

The space of limitless possibility.

~

 

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