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March 26, 2021

Healing comes with dating!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.

She asked me,”Don’t you have a girlfriend?” I said,”Not anymore, I broke up with her two years ago.” She again asked,”What happened?” That question got me emotionally charged up, but I took a breath and said in a very subtle way,”We weren’t good for each other.” Now that little answer delivered with an almost neutral face can easily be passed on as story of a normal break-up.When actually what my soul meant to scream was that my ex-girlfriend was a narcissist who discarded me during the worst of times.Maybe if my new date becomes my partner one day then I will share with her how I grieved for everything I’ve lost in my past.

That toxic relationship was a classic narration of codependency and trauma bonding -that’s me.Her impact was so humongous that it swayed away my friends,parents,career and the only thing that made me unique – Music.While trying to heal myself I came across a lot of self-help books and videos that suggested not to date until some healing has been received.That makes complete sense as codependency had its seeds planted way back in my childhood and only conscious efforts to change it would bring healthy dating patterns into my life.Otherwise the cycle will continue and we’ll find another toxic person to deal with, albeit with some awareness this time.We might actually start to act as their psychologist and offer unsolicited advices.I wasn’t feeling like dating at all and so I would always brush aside any prospect saying, “some other time.”

Fast-forward to two years later,I am ready to date and this time I have got my standards and boundaries clearly laid down.If anyone seems to be manipulative or ill-intentioned I wouldn’t justify their behaviours just to hook on to that relationship.I will demand for mature conversations about an issue and if I don’t get it, I’d see things the way they are – Immature.But a part of me wants to wait until I find someone who has what I desire in a woma.Sounds sensible right! After working on yourself for over two years and still continuing to do so, you develop a sense of clarity of what you need and what you want.

Still it didn’t felt right to me, as if something is going wrong again.I’ve never had healthy love relationships in the past and the last one just stripped me down to bones.Maybe that’s why I am being too careful about finding the right partner and in process I’m missing out on one of the healthiest human behaviours – Dating.I believe healing will come once I’m able to uncover and clean up the messy things in my thought process that has discouraged me from experiencing romance in the past.Why am I always looking for a wife since day 1 of dating? Why can’t I just focus on now and see if things seem to go that way or not?Why do they have to be perfect for me to even meet them for lunch?

If I don’t date and wait for a person to meet me where I am, I am being too optimistic about how dating works.It’s about seeking opportunities to get to converse with people who attract you.Another important thing we learn from dating is how to think beyond yourself.We learn to care,understand and adjust for our partner and these lay the foundation for strong relationship management skills we need to make a marriage work.So,dating is crucial for marriage.

If I now have the awareness of my own toxic traits and self-limiting behaviours then I can go ahead with dating provided I make a promise with myself to be mindful of those traits.Nobody is perfectly ready for a relationship.We are all work in progress.Ups and downs are the essence of life.Without it life isn’t life,it’s a computer program.

So I won’t wait for another sign from my intuition to tell me that I am ready for dating.I’ll also not allow my over activated amygdala to tell me that it’s dangerous to date when it’s actually not.I feel I’m ready to be loved and cared for.

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