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I Refuse to Let Fear Take me Backward.
I stopped breathing for a second.
It felt odd, but I had to feel it again.
Yes, it was there. I wasn’t imagining it.
I have another lump in my breast. My mind started planning my path forward. First, call the doctor. Second, an appointment. Third, a mammogram. Fourth, they aspirate and test. Fifth, test results. Sixth, surgery. I knew what the first six steps would be, and I knew I could handle it. I’ve been down this path before.
This Time is Different Though.
This isn’t the first time I’ve found lumps in my breasts. Between 18 and 22, I had benign tumors removed from each breast. Since then, my relationship with my breasts has been rather uncomfortable. I’m grateful they are in proportion and attractive, however, I never liked how they felt after the lumpectomies. I have scars and nerve damage.
And now I have another lump. This time is different though; I’m older and wiser. I’ve also been experiencing a spiritual consciousness awakening for the past year or two. Borrowing from the experience and wisdom of Christina Lopes, I am in the late stages of my awakening. And I feel the inner peace and calm that I’ve been working toward for a very long time.
Which means, I’m facing another breast lump, and I am experiencing it differently. I am engaged, mindful, and not panicked. I am facing it head-on rather than being emotionally detached. I am feeling the fear and moving forward anyway. I am also scared. That part is very much the same.
F*ck the Fear.
The fear I feel is familiar. I used to live in fear of many things. Fear was such a part of my operating system that I didn’t recognize it as fear. I was just pushing things away and pulling things toward me without understanding what my motives were.
Throughout the past couple of years, I’ve worked my ass of to overcome the fears. I learned to say, “F*ck it!” to the fear and move forward. It was empowering and the beginning of breaking through the fear that had held me back for so long.
I have faced my shadow self, processed and released everything that has held me back in the past. I’ve cried, screamed, bathed in numerous hot, salty, lavender scented baths. I’ve written and journaled to release the yuck. I’ve worked hard for this peace. I refuse to go backward.
What I Refuse and What I Choose.
I refuse to let fear take me backward. I refuse to allow the fear to take over my life experience. I refuse to let the fear inform my decisions about my health and life. I refuse to let fear be part of the process of whatever this new breast lump will bring. I refuse to allow the energy of fear to take over my life.
I refuse to ruminate about the symptoms I missed. I refuse to worry about the mammograms. I refuse to mourn the loss of my future or what could have been. I refuse to ruminate or dwell or worry. All of that comes from fear.
This lump, no matter what kind of lump it turns out to be, will not be healed with fear. The energy of fear does not heal. I will need much better energy than that to heal my breast and my body. I will need the energy of love. I will need to love myself deeply.
I choose to love myself deeply. I choose to get the care that I need. I choose to approach this situation with love and healing energy. I choose love.
We are Love.
The spiritual path teaches that we are love. We are created by love, if not the love of our birth parents, the love of the universe that wanted us to be here and now in this time and place. We are not accidents. We are all here for a purpose, whether we know that purpose or not.
We are here, alive now in this space and time, to love. We are here to love ourselves. We are here to share our love. We are here to love our families and pets and each other and the planet.
We are not here to live in fear. We are not here to hate and hurt others. We are not here to have a contest of us versus them. However, that may be our path to understanding and our path to our purpose. To live in fear is not our purpose. To love is our purpose. To be love is our purpose.
So, I’m moving forward with love. I will continue to move forward on purpose. I will continue to love. I will continue to build my life the way I want it to be.
I will continue forward on my steps. I’ve made it through step one and two. Step three, the mammogram, is scheduled.
I feel the fear, cry, and release. I choose love, to love myself.
Step by step, I will face it all. I will feel the fear and do it anyway.
I will say, “F*ck it!” to the fear and choose love.
Read here to know what happened next: One Mammogram, Two Lumps & a Grateful Woman.