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Read the early part of Nikki’s journey here: How to Say “F*ck it!” to the Fear & Move Forward Anyway.
The third step is complete.
I had a mammogram. It came with a bonus; a sonogram. I was brave and didn’t cry like I’ve done in the past. I have dense breast tissue, and in the past, mammograms could be painful. This time, I relaxed my body as much as possible and breathed through the pain.
The technician was kind and kept the vibe light. But the whole turn-your-boob-into-a-pancake thing still sucks. I look forward to the day when better technology is created. But in the meantime, kind and gentle technicians help immensely. Relaxing and breathing through the pain also helps.
Excuse my complaining, mammograms are vitally important. If you have a history of breast cancer in your family, ask your doctor how frequently you should have them. And don’t skip them like I did for the past year.
One lump or two?
I stared at the infographic in the sonogram room hoping that my lump would be benign like all of those in the pictures.
The sonogram technician came in, and we got started. Sonograms are less pancake-like but, after my prior surgeries and scarring, they aren’t comfortable. Again, the technician was kind and kept the vibe light.
Next, a consult with the doctor. He wanted to look for himself with the sonogram. There was one spot he rolled over that made my whole body jump in pain. I centered myself and breathed through it.
The doctor said they found one and then another lump for a total of two. I felt sad. Two lumps.
Focusing on my Body
We won’t know about the lumps until after the biopsy, so I’m focusing on my body’s experience in the moment. Because I’m experiencing stress differently, I didn’t know what it was going to feel like in my body. So far, I’ve learned that that kind of stress is hard on my body.
I’m not used to intense stress and, after the tests, I was tired and had a headache. I felt like rolling up in a blanket for a little while, and so I did. I put this story aside and curled up in a blanket. My body needed rest.
The morning after my mammogram, I was a little sore from tension and from my arm protecting my lumpy boob. I meditated and imagined a warm, golden light healing my body. Then I took a hot shower to ease my sore muscles.
My breast lumps are uncomfortable. There are no new symptoms, just new awareness. I’m noticing them now, and they feel like sandpaper; itchy. I breathe through the discomfort. I breathe away the tension held in my body. I meditate, imagine healing energies, and relax.
Self-care is helping me more than anything. I am grateful to be sleeping well with the aid of melatonin. It is helping. There is much to be grateful for, like no new symptoms, self-care, sleep, and melatonin.
A Different Approach
“I choose love” was my mantra for the mammogram and sonogram. It reminded me to be grateful for my health care, health insurance, for my husband who is at my side, for the caring technicians at the doctor’s office, and for their thoroughness.
It’s still scary, and I’m allowing the feelings. I’m experiencing the emotions as they come in—mainly fear—and then letting them flow out. I’m remembering to relax my body to avoid trapping the energy of fear and anxiety.
This is a big change for me. Years ago, I would have become my emotions. I didn’t know how to be the witness to my emotions. I became fearful and anxious rather than feel them. Now, I’m able to feel them, release them, and relax my body.
This new experience is a much lighter feeling and more grounded. I’m able to stay present and engaged in the situation without allowing my emotions to overwhelm me. It’s comforting to be able to feel and remain grounded. I feel steady.
Spirituality and Synchronicities
In spirituality, they say that as soon as you learn the lesson, you will be tested. Okay, so if this whole situation is a test, I think I’m doing well. It’s an opportunity to learn for myself that I have changed and grown.
My approach to challenging situations has changed. I am able to feel my emotions and not become them. I am able to remain calm and present in challenging situations. I’m able to face challenges with strength and steadiness.
All this time I’ve been seeing synchronicities, mostly messages of abundance. At first, I didn’t understand, but then it hit me. I am abundant in the emotional resources to help me through this round of whatever the heck these lumps turn out to be. Whether it’s cancer or not, I feel ready to face it.
Mindfulness serves me well. I feel fear, but it hasn’t taken over. I remain in the moment and ready for the next step.
Next, the Fourth Step
Next, the fourth step, aspirate and test. Now that we’re here, that step has changed. I was hoping for aspiration, but the doctor ordered a core biopsy. They are similar, but the core biopsy uses a bigger needle and allows tissue to be tested. The doctor is being thorough because of my history. I am grateful.
I’m not wasting my energy worrying. It doesn’t help or change anything. That’s new for me. I used to worry, stress, and be anxious about almost everything. Today, I feel a steadiness.
Excuse me, I’m going to get ready for my biopsy, which is in a few hours.