Some years ago, around the time I was hitting dating apps hard, seeing a lot of men, desperately trying to find the right one so I could settle down and have babies, I met a guy.
He was a beefy man. A bodybuilder, with gorgeous blue eyes, and a bright smile. He wore a shirt that said “Spiritual Gangster,” and I thought, Yup. He’ll do.
I mean, he was stunning to look at. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why he was even having coffee with me.
We dated for only a blissful couple of weeks. But it ended as fast as it began.
After just a few days and a few dates, we were at my apartment, having a fifth-grade makeout session, when he tried to take it further, sliding his hand up my shirt.
I stopped him, telling him I didn’t want to go there just yet. While, yes, I loved sex (at the time), I didn’t want to start things off by going too quickly.
He was immediately frustrated.
“I thought we had a connection.” He huffed.
When I said I just didn’t want to go too fast, he got up and went for the door. The ultimate rejection for a woman—if you don’t put out, I’m leaving.
At that point, I really liked him. I didn’t want him to go. And, like I said, I was desperate to find a partner. Believe me, I know how bad that makes me sound.
So, I asked him to stay so we could start over.
That night, we had sex. And after that, we did often.
A few weeks later, he broke up with me in the smallness of my apartment, saying to me, “It’s just not fun if it’s that easy.”
I stared in awe at him and then sobbed in front of this stranger I was pretending to really know, and verbally recalled the night he guilt-tripped me into sleeping with him, a point I clearly announced in the smallness of my apartment.
“You realize you guilted me into have sex with you, right?” I pointed out. He just nodded.
“I have reflected on that,” was all he said.
A few years later, he found me on Snapchat.
He had my number, but I had ditched his a long time before that. When he started sending me messages, I thought it was cordial and platonic. He was happily engaged with a baby girl on the way. And, usually, I wish the people I date the best and just try not to think about them anymore.
He wasted no time sending me dick pics, telling me my pussy was too good to waste.
Each time I think about it, my stomach churns a little.
I was tempted to string him along and make him think I actually liked him, just to get back at him for the humiliation and shame that haunts me to this day. I ultimately decided that’s not who I am.
But in my last bit of revenge, before blocking him from everything, I fired back a text saying, “It’s repulsive, you thinking I would be attracted to you after how you treated me. I hope your baby girl never has to experience men like you when she grows up.”
It was the harshest thing I think I’ve ever said to a man. Part of me regrets it. Another part of me doesn’t.
It’s been hard to not recall that moment he called me easy. How small and insignificant and filthy I felt. How much the weight of his words and actions held me down.
Since then, the people I date have become fewer and fewer. Reduced from once a year, to pretty much none at all.
In recent days, articles have been circulating my feed detailing some intense instances happening because of men. Ones similar to the atrocities I’m unable to scrub from my own mind.
In these articles, I am further witnessing the toxic nature of men, how they react to women with a sense of entitlement or talk down to them like they’re inferior.
They act like women owe them something even when they themselves provide little to nothing. They seem to believe that if a woman joins dating apps, it’s a prime indicator for obligatory sex, even if a woman doesn’t want it or ask for it.
Women all over the internet are sharing stories of times men threw temper tantrums because they were denied sex, displaying epic whining sessions comparable to crying toddlers in Walmart who didn’t get that shiny toy.
Or times men slide into women’s DMs with sickening requests for sex or pictures of their vagina—requests that are instantly denied—just to have them say, “You were ugly anyway. Have a nice life.”
Women detail times men sling unwanted and unwarranted dick pics into their messages asking, “Do you like that? You have to be impressed.”
No, we aren’t f*cking impressed.
To those men, and believe me, I know not all of you are like this, but to those men who are, who taught you to act like this?
Who made you believe women actually like this behavior or how you salivate for little else?
What part of you is that insecure that you need a random woman to sign off on the length of your penis?
We are not here to quality-check your genitals. Sorry.
And for the men out there who know those kinds of men, work with these men, play video games with these men, watch sports with these men, answer me this:
Do you speak up when those men go on a torrential and disgusting rant about that girl they duped into sleeping with them?
Do you listen to men rant on how she was “asking for it” and then choose not to say a word?
Do you watch as those men collect and archive explicit pictures of women they once dated?
Do you stay quiet when they speak of the ways they mistreat women?
I’d really like to know.
The most recent horrors of men I have seen was in a video recorded by a woman who had agreed to go on a movie date with a guy she met on Tinder.
From what she has stated online, they were on the way to the movies when he suggested going back to his place to watch a movie instead.
After getting to his house, the man—sorry, I mean boy—demanded that she have sex with him because, well, that’s what you do if you’re on Tinder.
If women are on Tinder, they’re basically asking for it, right?
The man in the video goes even further saying she is “obligated” to have sex with him and that “this is how it is” and “I’m trying to save you.”
The video is terrifying and disgusting.
In the comments, you can feel the fast-paced heartbeats of women who have also been there, typed out in paragraphs.
Women everywhere were triggered.
For some, occasions like this have happened, at least once, if not multiple times.
I can say the same for me.
Thankfully, that woman left in an Uber and returned to the safety of her home.
After this was posted, the victim-shaming came in the comments, because no matter his behavior, she’s the one at fault.
“You shouldn’t have gone…”
“Why did you go? I wouldn’t have gone.”
“Not a wise decision, going with someone you don’t know.”
Let me tell you something. Plenty of women have made “wise” decisions and still ended up in situations of rape and assault.
No is no. Why is this so hard to understand?
The next article I read, just weeks ago, was about the most offensive things men have said to women over text.
Some of the messages said:
“I don’t want to end things with you. I just want to pause them so I can try it with her and if it doesn’t go well we can pick up where we left off.”
“Christ ur ugly. Totally didn’t mean to match my bad.”
While their honesty is barely admirable, did they really have to say things that might screw a woman up for months or possibly years?
Have you guys completely lost charm and class?
Try opening up a book of romantic poetry some time or take more than five minutes to actively do something remotely thoughtful.
And if that’s not enough to sway you into the same celibacy club I’m in now, this article of the worst things men have ever said to women will make any woman, or good fellow, cringe.
Some of them are below.
“You have a great face, I’d really love to cum all over it.”
“Snapchat me that pussy.”
The combination of these articles, and my stellar dating history, has me asking myself:
“Why exactly should I be excited about dating men ever again?”
Who actually finds these kinds of messages and behaviors attractive and endearing?
My level of attraction to men at this period in time is as flaccid as their unsolicited dick pics. And thanks to the nauseating musings of men, I won’t actually have to power through my sexual anxiety with potential partners anymore.
Please listen to women. We are asking you to stop doing these things.
It’s one thing if you’re in a loving and committed relationship and you have your jokes, consent is present, there is respect, understanding is involved, and you’ve both reached a point in loving each other in all the weird ways you do. If that’s the case, swap pics of each other’s genitals and make your crude inside jokes. I really don’t care as long as you’re not hurting anyone.
But these kinds of behaviors in the dating scene…
They’re not cute.
They’re not attractive.
They’re not endearing.
They’re not charming.
They’re not funny.
They are uncomfortable and sometimes truly terrifying.
We don’t want to be a part of your sex conquests nor do we want to be the cool sidepiece story you shout about from your soapbox in the locker room.
It’d be nice if men had enough respect for us to say something, I don’t know, nice, thoughtful, and respectful.
But, since y’all don’t seem to listen to women and their pleas for you to stop, I’ll look to those good, nice guys who actually get it.
The ones who know how to treat a lady. The ones who understand how to balance sophistication and seduction. The ones who know the definitions of romance, charm, consent, class, willingness, and respect.
Please. Please. I hope you tell the men who have been led astray to stop treating women like this.
We are tired.
We want more out of our men and they are not listening.