“Great sex” can mean something different to lots of people—and in different ways.
As a sexologist, I know quite a bit about this and relationships in general. A good sex life is a combination of things: a partner who is engaged and considerate; the ability to be mindful during intimacy, and being confident about what excites you sexually. But the key to improving your sex life tremendously? It’s improving communication in your relationship.
Communication might not be the first thing that comes to mind when it comes to great sex, but it’s an important and effective way of improving your sex life—and here’s why.
Getting the Point Across
The foundation of a solid and happy relationship or marriage is a good set of communication skills.
After years of living together, you might think you know everything there is to know about your partner—and maybe, in some ways, you do.
But the reality is that, as we go through our lives, most of us grow and evolve (which is a good thing!) and that means there are likely new sides to your partner to explore—more to learn—even if you’re in a long-term relationship.
Working on your communication with your partner(s) is working toward respect and acknowledgment.
This helps you both understand what the other needs—better and more often. And when you understand each other more, you argue and misunderstand each other much less.
Less Fighting and Miscommunication
Every relationship experiences some sort of discord or miscommunication. But there’s a difference between an argument and just plain fighting.
With a good set of communication skills, you can get your point across in a way that facilitates conversation instead of loud insults.
If you want a better sex life (who doesn’t, right?), improving communication will enable better conflicts, and, in turn, less of them. And when you argue less, you tend to look at each other more fondly, more often, and remember why you fell in love in the first place.
Remembering Why You Fell In Love
Focusing on better communication so that you can have more effective conversations and less fights, helps you think back to when you first met and fell in love.
Remembering that time and those feelings can be quite powerful because they reinforce why you’re together.
When the grass is always greener on the other side, it’s important (in monogamous relationships) to remind one another of why you made the decision to choose each other—even when it’s difficult.
When the lines of communication are open, you’re able to see your partner’s best characteristics more easily, which can increase attraction and excitement between the two of you.
Attraction is fundamental to great sex. Without it, sex rarely happens.
Improving communication in your relationship can help you open up to your partner’s attractive qualities. When you connect in more positive ways and, perhaps, deeper ways, you become more drawn to one another.
Better communication habits equal better relationships. And when you both feel satisfied and happy in your relationship, you’re more inclined to be kind and affectionate with each other.
Through this mental process and improved communication, you’re essentially reminding yourself and your partner how attracted you are to each other, because of the positive response from your loved one.
This creates a more intimate relationship.
Working on communication in your relationship is a sure way to increase intimacy because, in reality, communication sort of is your relationship.
Without it, there’s not much of a basis for your bond.
When you understand each other more deeply, you argue less, and you remember why you got together in the first place. As a result, you experience more attraction, which is a great foundation for intimacy. And when you experience greater intimacy, you are more willing to be unguarded.
This is because true emotional intimacy makes you want to grow closer and explore your relationship more deeply, which in turn, increases your vulnerability.
When you have a closer connection, it’s easier to be less guarded because you don’t fear conflict or judgment as often.
Most people don’t realize that the willingness to be vulnerable is an essential part of a healthy and exciting sex life, and as a sexologist, I get it.
More often than not, magazines and blogs about sex often focus on new and exciting positions, toys, or lubricants. Rarely do they mention getting vulnerable as an effective way of improving your sex life.
Letting down your guard is essential; it’s required in order for you to feel comfortable and like you can (and want to) talk openly about your sexual wants, needs, and boundaries.
Communicating Your Sexual Preferences
With more understanding, less arguing, remembering loved qualities, increased attraction, and intimacy, and more vulnerability comes greater ease with communicating sexual preferences.
Not only that, but by letting your partner know what you like and don’t like sexually, you are also more likely to get what you want when you’re physically intimate. Because your partner can only give you what you want when they know what you want.
Good sex can come about organically—especially early in your relationship. But a great sex life is worth the effort.
Even though improving communication in your relationship can lead you down a road to better sex, you need to use the new tools in your toolkit for it to happen.
Many of the clients I see as a sex coach and therapist have a difficult time talking about sex, even when they have overcome certain issues related to sex.
If you’re dreaming of a specific kind of touch or activity—tell your partner.
If you want more intimacy and romance—let your spouse know.
We read and hear so much about communication, but no amount of knowledge in the world will help you get the sex life you want and deserve if you don’t put it into practice.
And this can only be done once you make a regular effort to improve communication in your relationship.