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April 27, 2021

I’d Like to Give a Big “F*ck You” to Every Person who I Let Minimize Me.

Photo by Vlada Karpovich on Pexels.

“Seeds of the piercing words you said, grew forests in my doubtful head, But I cleared them when I finally saw, your inner battle is not my flaw.” ~ Abeer Fahim
~

*Warning: naughty language ahead!
~

Life is hard for the kind-hearted.

But I’m learning how to take that power back and make that untrue for myself.

As a person whose personality type states, “This type’s biggest obstacle is facing the realization that they’re so understanding, so forgiving, and so kind-hearted and rare that no one seems to believe they are genuine.”

As a person who lives by the Buddhist Forgiveness Prayer:

If I have harmed any one in any way,
either knowingly or unknowingly
through my own confusions,
I ask their forgiveness.
If any one has harmed me in any way,
either knowingly or unknowingly
through their own confusions,
I forgive them.
And if there is a situation
I am not yet ready to forgive,
I forgive myself for that.
For all the ways that I harm myself,
negate, doubt, belittle myself,
judge or be unkind to myself,
through my own confusions,
I forgive myself.

As a person who lives by Don Miguel Ruiz’s Toltec wisdom in The Four Agreements:

>> Be impeccable with your word.
>> Don’t take anything personally.
>> Don’t make assumptions.
>> Always do your best.

As a person who is in love with Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist, and loves these lines so fucking much:

“The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.”

“I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living now.”

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

As a person who sees the connectivity in everything and sees miracles constantly, who is spiritually connected and self-aware, who understands human nature fully, who sees undiagnosed and untreated mental illness live inside those in full-blown denial, who forgives fully no matter how unfairly hurt or misunderstood I have been, who finds joy in making human beings smile and feel loved, and who reflects hard when I fuck up…

I’d like to put my middle finger up in the air and give a huge “Fuck You” to every single person who:

Didn’t trust that I am as kind and understanding and forgiving as I present myself.

(But thank you for teaching me to never explain myself.)

Saw those beautiful things residing in me and took full advantage of them before I learned how to protect myself fully, taking from me and bleeding me dry.

(But thank you for teaching me how goddamn important boundaries are.)

Didn’t take the time to reflect on their own mental illness before projecting it onto me.

(But thank you for making me aware of mine so I could save myself.)

Said vicious, cruel, and untrue things, that I will likely never forget, while gaslighting me with lies that caused me to doubt every ounce of my identity.

(But thank you for consistently validating that I never want to be the same as you.)

Wasted my time and energy treating me like I was worthless while letting me try to prove that I was not.

(But thank you for teaching me that my self-worth comes from myself and no one else.)

Never cared to give me closure or an apology, even when they were caught in a lie or wrongdoing.

(But thank you for teaching me the importance of integrity.)

Made me physically ill from the stress of emotional abuse.

(But thank you for teaching me the importance of self-care at all costs.)

I’ve spent a long time embracing gratitude and the life lessons that come with abuse and pain, and unfathomable loss and heartbreak. Forgiving those who hurt me while clutching a piece of rose quartz and praying for their happiness.

Apologizing for my part in everything.

But now it’s time to “take up space.” To take hold of my feminine, powerful energy and make gold with it.

I’m never going to lose the attitude of gratitude that is paired with my trauma, but you better believe I’m lighting candles saying, “This is my beautiful, loving energy and it only goes to those who know how to receive it.”

And you damn well better believe I’m not wasting any of this energy on apologizing. I’m using it to lay out black tourmaline protection grids in the light of the new moon for my beautiful new home. As I do so, I say, “No one can get in my way anymore and I am surrounded by love.”

I am taking my part in paving the way to heal ancestral trauma for myself and my daughters and this world, because we’ve been in a mental health pandemic for centuries—but no one wants to talk about that.

I’m looking past the bullshit of the unaware and trusting my divine intuition, because I’ve spent a hell of a lot of time forgiving.

When I shared my first article, there were many Redditors who commented how much they disagreed with the part about forgiving those who gave you the trauma. After reflecting a lot, I realize there’s truth in their words.

So, I’d like to add:

Forgive, but throw a big “Fuck You” in there with it.

Because fuck them for hurting you.

It’s time to let that shit go and take your power back, unapologetically. (And listen to Toni Jones, Londrelle, and Kehlani while you set some badass intentions for yourself and wave your middle finger in the air.)

Ask yourself what you need to protect your goddess warrior energy in this bitch of a world. Then do that—even if it scares the shit out of you.

Rise like the phoenix, wild woman you are.

We made excuses for them. Don’t you dare make them for yourself.

~

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