April 16, 2021

When Letting Go of Someone Triggers our Unhealed Wounds.


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We are at that point where the relationship doesn’t feel right anymore. 

The cycle has come to an end.

So here we are feeling sad, peaceful, and confused at the same time. Ready to let go of that someone. How do we not go crazy?

You know it is the right decision to move on, yet it hurts, and it feels so scary in reality to let go.

Sometimes this brings us back to experiences we had before; it can trigger past emotions. Like someone caressing inside your heart those old, irregular, and darkish-red wounds that are now healed scars. Yikes!

Feelings can be out of our control, but not how we react or what we do with them.

When my heart is heavy with sadness or frustration because things didn’t work out as I had hoped, these simple yet hard practices have been my go-to (may they be of benefit to you):

1. Show yourself some compassion.

Accept that this is a difficult time for you and that it is completely all right, even necessary, to feel sad, angry, resentful, hopeless, or any feeling that might arise from our wounded hearts. Be there for you, how you would be there for someone you love who is hurting.

2. Meditate.

Meditation can help us to stop swirling down to our turbulent emotions. It brings us to the present moment, simply breathing in and out. This is not so we don’t feel the pain; it’s the opposite, so we stop escaping from it, feel it, and let go. Leaning in versus numbing out.

I just finished hearing the inspiring Pema Chödrön, speaking about the Tonglen Meditation. She said, despite whatever the feelings we may be having (sadness, frustration, resentment, irritation, or others), to breathe in that particular feeling. And to breathe out hope that every person feeling this same emotion (whether it is someone we know or not) can find peace.

We can breathe out a wish for relief, for comfort to our feelings and others going through the same. She talks about acknowledging other people going through similar or different struggles, and by wishing others relief, we can find relief for ourselves as well—an unselfish meditation.

3. Write.

Everybody has different types of self-therapy. I have found that writing about something difficult or sad gives me perspective and helps me feel calmer (less crazy) about the situation. You may find this in yoga, making scrambled eggs, talking to a close friend about it, laying in the tub for hours, or simply dancing. Writing is quite calming. You can scream at your laptop, but what would be the point? Instead, we can pour it all out.

4. Have the “conversation with yourself.”

Our minds tend to be quite dramatic and go back to happy moments or only seeing the sunshine-y side of things. It can fill our chest with uncertainty: I might never experience something like this again. This is the moment to look straight in the eye. Don’t ignore all those important reasons why letting go is a healthy choice for your life. It’s okay to appreciate the sunshine but let’s not forget the rainy days.

5. Be your best friend.

Give yourself genuine empathy. Just because something came to an end does not mean that there is no love for what you are letting go of. If we cannot be friends with ourselves, well, sadness and heartache are one ugly ride. Let’s not make it more uncomfortable by not letting ourselves feel what we need to feel.

6. Nature is the best therapy.

There is something particularly enchanting about walking among fresh air, sunsets, green hills, and gigantic redwood trees. Maybe, nature reminds us that we are part of this immense universe and that our time on Earth is limited. Nothing lasts forever—not us, not our pain, and not our happiness either; it is all just part of life.

7. Make yourself some pancakes (yes, really).

What is more comforting to a sad heart some fluffy, yummy-licious, vanilla, vegan pancakes? I don’t know about you, but good food makes my heart smile.

Whether a relationship with our soulmate, a new friendship, or a more fulfilling job, how can we make space for what is meant to be if we keep clinging to what is not working?

Ultimately, letting go is like reassuring our trust in the universe: we trust that there is better; we trust there are experiences and people more suited for our hearts.

All of this madness that we can’t make sense of right now is preparing us to recognize and appreciate what is true and fulfilling to our hearts.

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