6.5
May 30, 2021

I’ve been Chasing after Men my whole Existence.

I’ve been chasing after things my entire life—especially after men.

This is the saddest and realest truth I had to admit to myself in a long time. It feels good but also not good. How many people can relate? I was dismissed yet again by a man who caused me to spiral into a funnel of self-pity and self-blame, which I am now coming out of. So, yes, that hurt…again.

I recognize I was dismissed because I was chasing after someone I could never have. When it came right down to it, the one who dismissed me had literally written in a text message, “I hope you never thought that…,” in regards to a future for us. That came as a surprise to me because, of course, I thought that—of course, I hoped that.

This whole situation has caused me to slow down and ask myself where I am going, who I am, what I want and need. What do I want and need? Somewhere along the way, I have forgotten that I have a choice in whom I choose to do life with. I was literally compromising myself to stay in places where I did not need to stay just so I would not feel the gripping loneliness that takes over me sometimes.

I was hoping I would be chosen instead of being the chooser. I was settling instead of being true to myself. I was accepting breadcrumbs, pretending that I would eventually get the whole loaf of bread. People will treat you how you let them treat you. I always thought walking away was mean and ill-hearted, but I notice now that I no longer have any interest in wanting something, anything, or anyone who doesn’t want me.

It is so tiring; I give myself permission today and onward to leave when I think it is time to go—without explanation.

I really want someone to love me, see me, validate me, yet I never choose the kind of people who could or actually would, which always leaves me feeling unworthy. I would meet men, go all in, sell my soul, and wonder how it all went wrong—how the one I gave my heart to just did not want it…yet again. That is what happens when you continuously abandon yourself. I truly know the only person who can sit and stay and love and see me is me. Hindsight is a b*tch.

After all this went down, a girlfriend of mine sent me a photo of a guy and his biography and successes in one paragraph on a text message and asked me if I would be interested in meeting with him because he is “nice”—not like those “not nice” men I have been dealing with.

The men I dealt with were nice—they just didn’t want what I wanted. It isn’t anyone’s fault. The only person to blame would be myself, and that seems feeble and juvenile. After all, I am the only one who stayed where I didn’t belong. The signs were all there—every red flag.

I recognize most people don’t understand wanting to be alone, and because of this, my friends sometimes can’t understand why I would choose to be alone instead of finding someone to fill the void. As if in some other world, if I had a good man to take care of me, I would be better, more fulfilled.

But the truth is, I am happy alone. I like my own company. I didn’t make it this far to only come this far and jump all over the first guy who is nice to me. I have made a life out of chasing after men who were nice, too nice, and it never ends well. That is what I used to do; this is no longer what I will do. The places we call home when we are too eager to find home are never home at all.

Instead of doing what I have always done, I am going to take the time to let something happen naturally. I want to gift myself the opportunity to find someone organically because I still believe in that kind of thing. After all, all the men I chased after I met somewhere along the way and eventually forced my will. Why wouldn’t I eventually meet someone who cares about me, truly, and finds me instead? Why do I have to force these things and participate in online dating and blind dates when this is not who I am, or what I am looking for?

The kind of man I want to meet won’t have a long list of successful attributes; instead, he will have a long list of failures. He will likely be a misfit in some capacity, and he will have a depth to him that only adversity can uproot. The kind of man I want to meet won’t have perfect photos, he won’t be interested in looks, but he will be looking into the eyes and the mind for light. The kind of man I want to wait for will be only for me—because I waited.

I would much rather be alone waiting, hoping, than trying to force myself into boxes I was never meant to fit into.

I have been chasing after things my whole life; I have been chasing after men my whole existence. I want to be chased for once, but the kind of man I want to meet won’t need to chase me, nor will I need to chase him. It will just fit, and it will belong. I don’t want to play games anymore. And the kind of man I want doesn’t want to play games either.

That doesn’t mean I am not looking for passion, because I am. I want passion, friendship, loyalty, and truth. I want giggles, walks, childish banter, and I want good, dirty sex. I want space and solitude. I want peace. I want all the things I found in pieces of all the men I have met over the years.

All the men who made it this far with me brought something I couldn’t get enough of.

Now, I want one man—with all those same attributes.

And if I never meet him, I will accept that too.

Because I can give all those things to myself already, and I am hoping that he gives all those things to himself too. I don’t expect him to fill me, but I will wait for the one who compromises with me because he knows himself enough to know that no matter what, he would choose me.

I don’t have to settle for okay and nice, or good. I can ask for what I want and hope that for every pot, there is a lid.

I know he must be out there because I am out there too.

He must exist; I exist. He must be not settling; I am not settling.

He must be waiting; I am waiting too.

Keep going.

~

 

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