June 21, 2021

How to Stop “Withholding” from your Partner to create Connection.

Withholding big truths from a partner degrades the foundational connection you have, and kills desire.

Stewing in silence draws all the life out of the relationship—into a death spiral.

If something is clearly impacting you, it’s a big truth.

If you’re talking about it repeatedly to friends, if it takes up space in your internal dialogue, if you notice you’re being passive-aggressive, snappy, b*tchy, or controlling, and you don’t know why—there’s likely a withhold festering inside.

When something needs to be addressed, it creates a sense of accountability to speak up about it—and sometimes that’s scary.

We avoid it because we’re afraid to feel our impact. We don’t want to trigger our partners with our pain, concerns, or even our desires—but the withhold damages the relationship.

We don’t always know how to begin, or the right words. And as much as we self-source, talk to friends, and meet ourselves in our pain and longing, if the big truth is still in there, living and breathing in us, it’s living and breathing in the relationship, too.

Don’t let another day go by avoiding it.

This is a call to action.

I dream of a world where all couples open up to each other and overcome the obstacle of withholding their most scary, vulnerable admissions, so the energy of their relationship can flow freely, and flourish.

I want everyone to be empowered to share their secrets, their wildest erotic desires, their need for emotional connection and closeness, and their need for space.

I want everyone, everywhere, to have the openness in their relationship to tell the big truths.

It’s easy to pretend that the thing you’re upset about is not a big deal, by habitually telling yourself that it’s okay, when it’s not. Maybe you minimize the validity of your feelings because you’re still stuck in the conditioning that says you don’t matter. Instead, you focus on keeping your partner happy by not bothering them with your drama.

This won’t bring the change you seek, the change you need.

It starts with you. Choose the vulnerable thing. Learn by doing. Stop waiting for the right time, the time is now.

Include your partner in your world. Open the door to intimacy. Take a brave risk and courageously reveal yourself.

You matter.

Take space and ownership of yourself. Get comfortable with having challenging feelings, kinky turn-ons, and rocking the boat. Stop managing and being responsible for your partner’s feelings and let your inner reality have an impact.

Do it with love.

It’s not selfish to have feelings and needs. It’s human.

“Hey, I’m scared to tell you something, I’m afraid it will upset you. It’s impacting me, and I want to tell you—even if it’s messy. Can we talk about it?”

Then spill the beans. Invite your partner into your world, and let them see the real you. Be willing to experience what happens next—all the feels.

This is intimacy.

When you open the gates to your inner world, the trapped energy surges back into connection. It builds trust. It teaches you both that it’s safe to be you, that you matter, and that you can reveal who you are with each other and be safe, and be loved—all the more.


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