June 28, 2021

Stop Falling in Love with the Idea of Me.

From the outside, and to you, I’m fun, adventurous, witty, funny, charming, sexy, daring, brave, driven, and, by all means, attractive.

You like and comment on picture after picture, burning to be next to me, thinking, “Yes, she looks fun and amazing. She looks confident and, wow, how brave of her to live in another country and speak another language. And, damn is she hot too, like I could totally see myself with her.”

You stare at pictures of me, glowing with thoughts of what a relationship with me would be like. Constant laughter, deep intimacy, adventures to new places, long talks, and honest communication. Real imaginative, fairy-tale sh*t.

Naturally, you’re attracted to all of my characteristics you’re seeing on social media or in passing at work because who wouldn’t be? What you don’t know is that’s all just a sliver of who I am on the inside and you’re missing the incredible rest of it.

Beyond what strangers see on the surface, I am much more complex, equipped with infinite depths, strange thoughts, and awkward personality traits, as are most people.

And like everyone else, I want to be loved for who I am.

I am still all those positive traits and happy things you’re seeing on the outside, but like anything with layers, when you peel them back, you learn there is more than you expected.

Some days, I feel like a pretty little package a person looks forward to on Christmas. They assume they got what they asked for, however when they open it, they realize they didn’t get the gift they had expected.

Feels cool to be an unexpected and then an unappreciated gift.

I have drawn in countless men who have simply loved the idea of me. I once asked a lover, who had chased me for a little while, what he imagined about us being together (only because he brought it up). He told me he just saw us going on endless adventures, laughing all the time, going to beer fests, having amazing sex, and a slew of other outstanding scenarios. He even told me he wanted to be close to me spiritually, mentally, physically, and sexually.

He didn’t mention looking forward to situations like, “I want to know everything that has hurt you so I can love you better.” That sh*t is romantic and that’s what I do.

But once the time to know me on a deeper level arrived and the opportunity to know me was on the table, he disappeared like it was too much, telling me when he was around me, I made him anxious.

There is more to me than what you see on Instagram.

When I post anything, I do my best to balance between the good things, the bad things, the vulnerable things, and everything else that makes me human. I have no interest in sugarcoating who I am to anyone, but I also won’t fully open up unless I know I can trust you.

I pretty much keep my dirt on the surface.

But I, like everyone else, am not picture perfect. Outside of the pictures of me laughing, the pictures of me traveling the world, or the introspective pages of my clever musings, the traits below also exist within me and there is nothing wrong with them.

At times, I am:

>> Anxious

>> Emotional

>> Sensitive

>> Uncertain

>> Stubborn

>> Self-doubtful

>> Depressed 

>> Insecure

>> Sad

>> Fearful

>> Working through trauma

>> Fiercely independent (almost to a fault)

>> Incredible giving (to a terrible fault)

And you may find these things overwhelming and “too much” but I am still wonderful, even with the negative you see here.

I am so beautifully flawed and human.

I am working on healing negative traits so I can be better. I am just as stuck in this confusing existence as you and the last thing I need is anyone’s judgments for not being magazine or Disney movie perfect. I am perfectly imperfect and there is nothing wrong with me because you only choose to see one half of me.

Are we really that naive to believe that what people are showing on the outside is as equally simple and carefree as what’s on the inside?

Are we really so naive to think that no one has struggles, insecurities, doubts about themselves, or things to overcome?

How shallow are people to not accept a person’s struggles and demons just because they weren’t exactly as they romanticized from a Facebook post?

More importantly, do people realize how exhausting it is to put yourself out there after someone chases you only for them to completely shut down after having the courage to open up to them?

The shame and lack of self-acceptance I have felt being on the end of this.

I didn’t ask to have my time wasted by someone who was so certain of me before finding out they didn’t get what they bargained for. I didn’t ask for you to romanticize me or place me on an impossible pedestal so you could let yourself down in the end.

And yet here we are.

I may harbor complex feelings, but at least I don’t bury them so they’ll blow up later.

I may be overly open and vulnerable, but at least I’m transparent and you’ll know where I stand.

I may feel anxious or insecure, but at least I have the courage and bravery to communicate that to you.

I may not say nice things to myself or have daily confidence, but I promise you, I am trying to be better.

I may be emotional and sensitive, but at least you’ll know how much I care.

What would be phenomenal is for people to love who I am in both my picture-perfect image and the image hung in a dark room while still being developed.

I am and always will be the person who yearns for travel, loves to laugh and smile, enjoys contentment, likes to make people laugh, tells stories, and says charming and thoughtful things. I am and always will be the giving person who loves so grandly and so much. I am and always will be the person who strives to be better than I was yesterday.

To me, it’s truly thrilling and magical to love someone despite all the negative things they’re facing. Who wouldn’t want to be loved as wholeheartedly and genuinely as that?

Loving the idea of someone is thinking of them only of the present. Not in their past, nor their future.

So let me save us both some time and heartbreak.

Unless you are ready to take on the complexities that exist in me, don’t invade my space. Actually, that should go for anyone.

Assess whether or not you are ready and have the capacity to be emotionally available and accepting before taking on all that I have to offer and not just what you see in me from a distance.

And more importantly, your idea of me is artificial. I am so wonderfully much more than that narrowed view.

So stop falling in love with the idea of me.


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