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You’re not single because you’re unlovable; you’re single because you’re focused on not being single.
Okay, hear me out here.
The law of attraction states that the universe provides what you focus on. I know it sounds like spiritual nonsense, but there is a lot of merit in this.
Naturally, we bring more attention and energy to our foremost thoughts, causing those thoughts to manifest. Even this very article was a byproduct of my thoughts and intentions to write a piece on relationships.
And it was only after I committed to the creative process that opinion-supporting conversations began to present, and these words began to flow.
When you magnify the frustration of being single, you’re going to stay…single!
Instead, focus on becoming the absolute best version of yourself. Focus on how much you’ll be able to offer your partner at your pinnacle. Focus on how phenomenal your partner must be to undergo this waiting process. Focus on how incredible it is to be incredible.
There’s also another nasty little discovery I’ve made in the anti-single complex: the fixation is usually on the relationship as an item, but not on its details or what it offers. To put it plainly, we prioritize the perfect picture instead of the perfect person.
Imagine going without food for three days, and at the first opportunity, you order a snack-sized bag of trail mix because it seemed more Instagrammable than devouring a sloppy cheeseburger. That’s how so many of us live; starving on the inside but feigning satisfaction on the outside.
We grow so obsessed with the idea of partnership that we compromise who we’re partnering with. A mad dash to the antiquated idea of the American dream has taught us to settle for a white picket fence, 2.6 kids, and dual-income in exchange for peace, romance, and longevity.
In the spirit of fairness, I also think it’s paramount to recognize what you offer in a relationship, not only your partner. If we seek relationships to fill a void, beat a timeline, find healing, or achieve completion, it’s best to remain single.
But being single doesn’t have to be the death sentence our nosy aunts’ probing questions at the holiday dinner table have made it out to be. In fact, contentment with your life outside of dating yields more joy (and it’s crazy sexy).
Wholeness and happiness shouldn’t be tied to another person less you become defined by them. Singleness, on the contrary, creates an opportunity to establish who you are, decide what you want, gain comfort with your own company, and create a robust life as an individual.
Furthermore, your perfect match shouldn’t want to complete you. Hopefully, they feel confident that they already found you as the total package.
If you haven’t already deduced, I am single—happily so.
I can identify with the desire to be partnered but have also cherished the chance to grow as an awesome friend. More than anything, that’s the bit of encouragement I hope you extract from these words.
Singleness doesn’t equate being: damaged, broken, unlovable, too much, or destined for life as a spinster. I have (too many) friends constantly asking me, “How come no one sees my worth?” or proclaiming, “I’m gonna die alone.”
Eek! Friend, you are enough!
A large part of this deprecating thinking is based on the proverbial biological clock that everyone—both men and women—seem frantic to answer.
Marriage and relationships shouldn’t be the benchmark for victory in life. And if it is for you, just remember that hastily stacked cards fall faster than those set with patience.
Please allow me to share four questions to consider while dating. Depending on how you answer these questions, you might want to consider staying single:
1. Compatibility or codependence
Are we well-suited, or is this dynamic about convenience and/or clinginess?
2. Communication or condemnation
Do we “fight healthily,” or are we hurtful and scornful in disagreements?
3. Complementarity or completion
Is my life enriched by my relationship, or does it define me entirely?
4. Commitment or conditional love
Do we consistently nurture one another through every concern and vulnerability, or are we constantly ambivalent?
Trust the universe. Love will come. But for now, stay single and enjoy the summer—I’ll catch you by the pool.
Oh! A disclaimer. I am no official relationship expert, but my first AOL screen name was “Doctor Love,” so you should definitely trust me.