Quarrels between husband and wife have the potential to ruin the entire family’s peace and happiness. Not only do they increase differences between the couple itself, it also has adverse effects on children and elders. Quarrels between a husband and wife invariably breed jealousy, suspicion, anger, fear and other kinds of negativities; and in some cases may even lead to severe forms of physical, mental and emotional violence – all happiness, prosperity, spiritual and worldly growth disappears and only frustration remains.

Such an understanding of the nature and consequences of marital clashes and quarrels would lead one to decide that they want to avoid such circumstances in the future. But how does one do that? If a husband decides that he does not want to get angry with his wife, no matter how frustrating her behaviour might be, what are the ways in which this goal can be achieved?

First of all, the man must understand the true dharma (here, moral duty) of being a husband.

In the book Harmony in Marriage, Param Pujya Dada Bhagwan explains that during a traditional Hindu wedding, the priest recites a particular mantra: “Samaya virtue savdhan” i.e. Exercise caution according to the event in time. This means that when the wife loses her temper, the husband must be calm and alert; must identify and correctly assess the situation, and not be dragged into the flow of the moment. He must try to patch up the fabric of the marriage if the wife is trying to rip it apart. That is the true role of a husband, and vice-versa!

Besides, anger is a toxic poison that will burn both people, the giver first, and the recipient later. It never serves any good. Not only does it wash away peace and happiness in this life, but it also binds bad (negative) karma, whose fruits will have to be borne in the next life in the form of some worldly unhappiness, pain or suffering. So even if there is a situation where it is not possible to agree with your wife, be mindful of your response. Try to explain the situation with love and respect instead of giving in to the temptation of getting angry.

It is also important to understand the theory of karma. According to the theory of karma, one gets what one sows. One’s partner in this life is decided based on previously sown karmic seeds. Depending on one’s inner intent in the previous birth eg. “may I have a partner with such and such qualities”, Nature gives the exact result in making sure the partner in this life has those qualities, good or bad.

Or if one has done abhorrence or hatred towards a certain person or a particular quality previously, one will have to spend an entire lifetime with that person or quality as a punishment for keeping the abhorrence.

So, the fact that a man’s wife is causing him frustration, or that she is not listening to him or she is not changing even a little bit, is a result of the karmic seeds sown by the man himself. Viewed in this light, the wife is innocent. The husband has himself invited the suffering due to his own karma. This understanding, when internalized properly, will permanently remove the instinct to get angry on wife. Whenever such a situation arises, it would do good to remember that “the fault is of the sufferer” because whatever one sows, so does he reap.

Another thing to do when one feels the temptation to get angry is to remember that whatever may be the outward nature of wife, inside, there is the pure Soul which is, by nature, non-violent! This pure Soul is such that can neither hurt anyone nor be hurt by anyone. This means the Soul within one’s wife will never try to hurt him.

This key i.e. to remember to see the pure Soul within the wife, is tremendously effective.

But it can only come to our help at the right time when we have the knowledge of our own real Self. It is only when we are always aware that we are nothing but a pure Soul, that we can remember to see the pure Soul in someone else.

The knowledge of Self-Realisation is very rare to come by, but in this day and age, the path of Akram Vignan, as offered to the world through the instrument of Gnani Purush Shri Dada Bhagwan, can make us achieve Self-Realisation in just two hours.

After Self-Realisation, the tools of Pratikraman (a three step process of reversal from hurting another living being through our thought, speech or action) and the spiritual principles given by Gnani will ensure that one remains calm in all circumstances. All domestic quarrels will go away when the right understanding is applied. Then, constant bliss will replace the present suffering and agony. Such is the power of Atmavignan (the science of the Self)!