How to validate your desire to break up when things aren’t overtly terrible.
If you’re in a caring but sexless relationship and live more like roommates than lovers, you might be ready to be friends and not partners.
We can stay in relationships because we’re afraid of being judged if we choose to end it without a “valid” reason.
We don’t validate our values and needs such as heart connection, understanding, empathy, touch, adventure, expression, and other soulful, creative, sexy, juicy, and nourishing desires…
We are so afraid to regret making a change that we choose to stay frozen, flat, and in a rut.
The truth of our values and needs speak to us through the things we daydream about. Our dreams are our inner compass.
Why override your internal navigation system? You don’t owe it to anyone to stick around. You don’t have to continue enacting the life and the routine you’ve created from a past version of yourself. You get to choose what you do with your life and if you’re changing, it makes sense that your relationships need to change too.
If you want and need a change, that’s okay. It’s acceptable. You can approve of your own desire, needs, and values.
You can do personal development work yourself and bring the new you into your relationship. Sometimes, that’s enough to reignite the original spark that brought you together. Yay!
And sometimes, the more growth you do, the further you move away from your partner. And the patterns we’ve established with our partners are so ingrained, we can be unable to move forward and return to our aliveness without a bigger, more significant shift.
And we’re terrified to instigate it.
We’re afraid we’ll regret it, because what comes next is unknown. We avoid feeling and facing the fear of what’s to come. And we avoid feeling the grief and loss of the relationship ending.
Instead, we make a subtle but potent decision to believe our attention needs to be focused on protecting our partner from the hurt of breaking up. I’ve done this. I’ve told myself it’s all about them to avoid feeling my very real desire (and need) to change the form of a relationship.
We can fill our lives with things to bring us joy elsewhere. Friends, hobbies, fitness, nature…and as fulfilling and nourishing as those things are, they cannot fill the void of your disowned eros. That part of you that is so wildly alive, creative, and turned-on. When we’ve disconnected from it, it’s scary to embrace it again, because it’s out of control. And yet we fiercely desire it.
It might not seem like there is a valid reason to change the form of your relationship when there is nothing overtly terrible happening. No abuse, no severe addiction, no destructive trauma patterns.
Whatever your reasons are for wanting a change, it’s up to you to believe in yourself, to listen to your truth, and to feel secure in standing in what you want and need. It’s your job not to minimize, disregard, and reject your own needs.
Ask yourself what choices you would make if you aligned with your deeper heart, body, and soul—your essential truth, the things you notice in your desires and longing.
How would that change your choices and path forward?
When you know what you want, and you value and trust yourself, you can align your actions and choices from that secure foundation. With a secure foundation, change can unfold consciously with care, open communication, and connection.
Taking courageous steps based on needs and values is fundamental to go from a sexless, flat, and uninspiring relationship to living in an enlivened, heart-connected, intimate, hot, and expressed way.
Bringing your presence and care to all the variety of feelings that unfold in the process is also key, and learning to use conscious communication and vulnerability so your process can happen with connection and authenticity. It can be a win-win.